


Driving Lessons

by Gracesgirl



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 20:56:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 63,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15033155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracesgirl/pseuds/Gracesgirl
Summary: This is an old post that was removed.  I've been meaning to re-post.  Life has just been getting in the way of some of my best intentions.This follows, "The Most Precious Gift" chronologically and with the same characters.





	Driving Lessons

     “She wants you to do _what?”_    Carol could clearly hear the disbelief in Therese’s voice, and a glance up from where she sat writing checks and paying bills confirmed her assumption.  Her young lover looked at her in astonishment, her rosy, enticing lips hanging open, immobilized in the shape of a perfect _o._   The older woman laughed with delight.  “I’m not lying, sweetheart!  Alicia called me at work just this morning insisting that I teach her how to drive.”

 

     Therese dropped her hands to her knees, still holding the photographs she’d been intending to study.  Settling back on her haunches, she cocked her head to one side and asked quizzically, “But _why?_ She’s 62 years old!  Why did she suddenly decide she needs to learn how to drive?”

 

     “Well, if I understand it correctly Alicia feels she’s become a burden to her community.  She’s tired of ‘putting them out,’ in her words, whenever she needs a ride to the train station or doctor’s.  And she has a whole new therapy regime starting here in the city.”  She paused to lick a stamp and place it on an envelope.  “Really, Therese, I don’t understand what the issue is!  Why shouldn’t she drive?  She wants to be more independent, and I don’t blame her!  Besides, driving is wonderful and fun!” 

 

     Carol’s comments were made with a seeming lack of concern or alarm, and her young companion found this unacceptable.  Therese stood up, dropping the photos with complete disregard and putting her hands on her hips in a stance conveying angry indignation.  “Carol, I don’t believe you!  How could you just say ‘yes’ without giving this more thought?  It’s not smart!  You’re not being thoughtful or considering Alicia’s well-being!”

 

     There was a sharpness to Therese’s retort that Carol rarely heard.  Leaning back, she placed the envelope on the table and peered more closely at the slender young woman whose eyes looked angry, accusing, and mistrustful, the last of which concerned her most of all.  Feeling uncertain, Carol rose to her feet and walked over to Therese, stopping at a point she felt would allow her to still have her physical space.  Therese seemed to be vibrating like a tuning fork struck by an angry child.

 

     “Darling, I can see you’re very upset with me and-

 

     “Of course I am, Carol!  What if Alicia gets hurt?  What if she has an accident with both of you in the car?  What if she panics and drives left of the yellow line?” she spat out, flinging her arms up expressively.  “What if,” she continued, “you both end up getting injured or worse just because she doesn’t want to need other people!”

 

     Looking directly at Therese made Carol feel like the roiling seas in her eyes were going to send a huge wave crashing across the short distance between them and level her with its raging force. The older woman felt perplexed and certainly self-protective, but still she wanted to stand her ground and, if nothing else, be present to Therese in this very real distress she was experiencing.

 

     “Therese, I’d like to be able to talk this out, sweetheart.  Can we do that?”  Carol’s voice was firm but kind.

 

     “I don’t think there’s anything to talk out!” Therese almost shouted this, her voice rising and reflecting her state of fear and agitation.  Then she caught herself, stepping back with an expression of regret on her red face.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I’m yelling at you.”  She stopped, looking around like a bird trapped in a cage, frantically beating its wings, desperate to escape.  “I just have to…I just have to go.  I need to leave for a while,” she said as her head whipped around.  Spying her purse, she walked quickly to pick it up and turned at the same time for the front hallway.  “I’ll see you later, Carol.  I just need to be alone.”  And without making eye contact, Therese let herself out the door.

 

     Stunned, Carol stood still, uncertain what she should do but knowing she was very worried about Therese.  They had never had an altercation such as this, neither of them had ever been so upset as to storm out the door.  Nor was there a precedent of needing space before an issue could be talked through.  She walked to the side cabinet where the alcohol was kept, pouring herself a whiskey and drinking it all at once, then pouring another without thinking about it.  Expelling a sigh, she felt her own agitation brewing and headed out onto the balcony, unable to stay in the apartment where Therese’s absence was already reverberating.

 

     Carol was not a praying woman and yet she had the urge to pray, which she judged as very hypocritical.  She just felt so…so _helpless_.  _Isn’t this where the Divine steps in?_  Alicia would certainly be praying now, and she was at the center of this argument, if that’s what this could be called. Yet it had been obvious to her that Therese was struggling lately.  The young woman was having nightmares several times a week and patently tried to hide this from Carol, creeping out of their bedroom to the bath, where she composed herself before returning to bed.  Carol had fought a powerful urge to draw her into her arms or at the very least ask if there was anything she could do.  It was obvious, though, that Therese did not wish to make her suffering known to Carol.  But it was a killing thing to observe the dark smudges beneath her beautiful green eyes, to feel the edges of her short temper, to notice Therese’s tension in the way she held her small body so rigidly at the dinner table.  Carol had felt shut out and bereft for several weeks and it was at its worse in this very present moment, as cutting as a sharpened knife through the soft, vulnerable undercoating of her heart.

 

     She restlessly uncrossed her long legs, elegantly clad in gray linen trousers, though her feet were comfortably attired in fluffy blue slippers, a Christmas gift from Rindy.  Thinking of her daughter now didn’t help her aching heart.  She hadn’t seen the child in six weeks, though they had talked on the phone several times.  The degree to which she missed her, longed for her, was frightening at times and anger with Harge only left her feeling impotent any more.  At this moment she felt incapable of entertaining thoughts of either of them without more whiskey, which she didn’t think would be the best idea.  Instead, she turned her head slightly, the silky wave of blond hair brushing her cheek soothingly, and felt relieved when she spotted the pack of cigarettes she’d hoped to find on the small side table.  She lit one up and inhaled gratefully, blowing smoke sideways so as not to obscure her view of the evening sky turning slowly from blue to orange and pink, the undersides of the few clouds set aglow by the distant, setting sun.  The evening was quickly cooling down, and she thought with concern of Therese who had left in a short-sleeved blouse with no jacket on.

_Where is she?  Does she even have money for a cab if she needs one?  I wish she’d just come home!  Therese, Therese, I’m worried about you!_ So lost in her thoughts was she that Carol didn’t register the sound of the sliding door moving along its runners, and didn’t notice Therese until the young woman stepped outside and she felt the air currents shift around her.  Startled, Carol looked up and immediately felt both relieved and uncertain, and somewhat thankful for the cloud of smoke that masked her eyes.  Her discomfort was quelled when Therese asked, “Can I have one of those?”  _So much_ _for healthy problem-solving_.  Carol reached for another cigarette, handing it to the young woman and then holding up a lighter.  With the cigarette between her lips, Therese leaned over, and Carol thought distractedly about how straight the part in her hair was.

 

     Leaning back in her chair, Therese exhaled a cloud of smoke and then quietly said, “I’m sorry, Carol.”  She looked at the older woman then, and Carol could see her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying, her nose still red, her face blotchy.  She paused before replying, her own voice soft and subdued.  “It’s okay, darling.  I…I’m not sure what to say, though…what you need right now.” 

 

     The younger woman sighed heavily.  “I’m not sure, either.  I’m just sorry I acted so childish.  I should have been calmer, but I just…”  She sighed again.  “I think I was scared,” she said, her voice fading even as her right knee began to bounce nervously.  Carol looked at her closely, and then put her cigarette out, leaning forward and taking Therese’s hand, so soft and cool in her own warmer one.

 

     “I think you were scared too, sweetheart.  Maybe you still are?” she asked with a nod to the bouncing knee.  “You’re obviously afraid Alicia and I will get hurt when I’m teaching her to drive.  But there’s more, right?” 

 

     Therese squinted, her dark eyebrows narrowing.  “No…yes…yes, there’s more, but I’m not sure what it’s all about.  Well, no, that’s not…I know what it’s about but not why it’s happening.”  She put out her cigarette and then stood rather abruptly.  She placed her hands on the balcony railing and then spoke so softly Carol could barely hear her.  “I’m having nightmares about my mother _all the time_ , Carol.”  From behind her where the other woman sat, Carol thought Therese looked small, vulnerable, and achingly forlorn.  “I know, Therese,” she replied very gently.

 

     Now she turned, surprise showing clearly in her eyes, and perhaps fear also.  “You do?  How?  Am I…have you heard me?  Am I keeping you up?”  Carol stood, her heart hurting for the fear she felt emanating from this woman she loved so deeply.  Keeping a slight distance between them, she responded, “Darling, I know I’m a heavy sleeper, but I’m not dead.  Of course I know you’re having nightmares!  It’s been happening for weeks, hasn’t it?”  Seeing Therese nod her agreement, she continued, “Would you like to tell me about them?”  The young woman clasped her hands together and immediately began twisting her fingers around each other, tension beginning to seep out of her as if through sweating pores.  When she nodded once again, Carol reached out almost reflexively pulled her gently against her chest, embracing her with strength and certainty.  “Come on then, darling, let’s go in.  It’s getting chilly out here.  I’ll fix us some tea, okay?”

 

     Therese followed Carol in, feeling disturbingly like a lost puppy.  Clenching her jaw, she fought against the old feelings, the ones with words that whispered, _I’m defective.  I don’t have a real place.  My own_ _mother didn’t want me.  Why don’t I ever belong?  What’s wrong with me?_ She could sense the thoughts coming in as if their energy was stored and being released in a tidal wave of threatening uncertainty.  _Shit!  I hate this!_

When Carol entered the living room it was to find her sitting on the sofa, her white face wearing an expression of despair.  Placing the tea tray on the coffee table, she poured a cup for each of them, handing one to Therese with an appraising look.  “You’re white as a ghost, darling.  What can I do?  How can I help?”

 

     Tears came unbidden to the younger woman’s emerald eyes, dark now with emotion.  And before she could stop herself, she burst into a great flood of tears that seemed to pour unheeded from her eyes as if she’d never cried before. She turned slightly away from Carol, overcome with embarrassment at this complete loss of control.  But still she felt the gentle hand on her shoulder, comforting, encouraging, making a smooth stroke down her stooped back and then back up to rub soothingly the place it had first touched.

 

     “Therese, darling…” she heard Carol whisper, “it’s okay.  I’m here.  I’m right here.  You’re safe here, and I’m not going to leave.”  Not able to restrain herself, the younger woman turned and almost collapsed in Carol’s arms, the depth of kindness her undoing.  She sobbed great, heaving sobs that almost shocked her with their ferocity, making her lungs burn and stomach muscles clench.  And Carol quietly held her, saying nothing much of anything, just holding her, rocking her, kissing her forehead gently and repeatedly, tucking stray locks of damp brunette hair behind the shell of Therese’s ear, still holding her securely.  “I can’t lose you, Carol!”  Therese’s words came out in a strangled cry.  “I can’t lose you and Alicia!  What would I do?  How would I survive?”  And she released more painful sobs, while Carol continued to hold her tightly, hoping this physical reassurance would offer the agonized young woman far more comfort than words could do now.

 

     Eventually, the tears stopped, to be followed by sniffles and hiccups, and Therese’s sighs.  When she finally pulled herself away from Carol’s body, the younger woman realized her head was aching and her eyes felt so swollen she could barely see.  Looking at Carol, she asked, “Do I look like a mess?” 

 

     Carol smiled gently and kissed Therese on the cheek.  “Yes, darling, you do.  Your point being…”

 

     Therese sighed.  “I guess I don’t really have a point.”  She looked up, making tentative eye contact.  Then she looked away again, at the long table along the pale gray wall upon which sat pictures, many of which she had taken and Carol had insisted she display.  She almost ached for her camera now, for the feel of its cool planes and rounded edges, for the comfort of the shutter release button, worn smooth from being pressed so many thousands of times.  She longed for the art of her photography, for the mindless place she went to when enraptured and in its flow, for the deep quiet that would wash over her like a mist in a twilight meadow. 

 

     Instead, she turned back to Carol, saying, “Over and over again… it’s the same nightmare.  I can’t see my mother…and I don’t have the memory of how she looked to even imagine her there.  But it’s her, dropping me off in a dark building.  I can’t see anyone there, but I hear these…these disembodied voices…they come out of the darkness.  They say, ‘welcome child,’ but they don’t sound welcoming.  They’re not warm or kind or…motherly.  And I turn back to scream for my mommy but she’s gone.  Only I can’t stop screaming for her, and she never comes.  And then the dark voices swallow me up.”  She stopped, momentarily tearing up again, reaching for Carol’s hand without knowing she’d done so.  “She never comes back, Carol.  Not ever.”

 

     Carol expelled a breath and tried not to focus on the terrible pain in her heart, the way it hurt to breathe just listening to Therese talk.  Instead she quietly said, “It’s a terrible nightmare, sweetheart.  I can only imagine how awful it’s been for you to get through these nights!  It would be completely okay with me if you woke me up, you know.  Can you tell me…if you know, Therese, why you don’t?”  She watched her shrug.  “You don’t have to know, darling, nor do you have to wake me.  But,” she reached out and put a gentle finger under the younger woman’s chin, encouraging her to make eye contact, “I want you to know you _can_ , okay?”  Therese nodded, and Carol continued, “I really mean that, and I don’t care if you do so every night of the year!  I’m not your mother, I can’t be a replacement, and I don’t want to be.  But I _am_ your lover, your friend, a woman who loves you more than I can say.  I want to be here, if you can let me, okay?”  She thought her young lover look miserable and tense. 

 

     “But you don’t mind,” Therese asked, “if I need comfort and reassurance?  If I don’t get over this right away?  If I…if I need you?”  She expelled a huge breath, as if she’d just climbed a huge hill and was relieved to have made it.  “The other kids in my room at St. Agatha’s would just tell me to shut up if I was crying.  Alicia was always with the babies.  There was…there was never anyone there.”  She looked tentatively at the older woman and realized she felt afraid, so afraid to hear Carol’s response. “You don’t think, I mean, you wouldn’t mind if I needed to be comforted?  There’s not something terribly wrong with that?”  

 

     Therese worked up the courage to look at Carol directly, and saw she was smiling warmly, and there was such love and reassurance in her darkening blue eyes it soothed her immediately.  Carol picked up her hand, bringing it to her lips, turning it over so she could place a kiss on its palm.  “Sweetheart, what kind of love would we have if we wouldn’t want to be with each other in our suffering?  That’s what this is, you know.  You’re suffering, and you’ve been suffering alone for far too long.  Isn’t this when our love _should_ walk through the door?”  She kissed her palm again.  “You don’t have to be alone in this anymore.  Only if you want to, and only you will know the answer to that.  But I’m here.”

 

     Therese smiled sweetly but weakly, and Carol thought she looked as exhausted as she herself was feeling.  “Darling, what would help you now?  Do you know?  Has anything helped you feel better before bed lately?” Therese shook her head slightly, her shoulders lifting, and then replied honestly, “Well sex, of course.”  Carol burst out laughing as Therese continued, “But shockingly, I don’t think I could find the energy for that now if my life depended on it!  Maybe though…would it be okay…would you mind if we just lit a candle and sat quietly like Alicia does when she prays?  We don’t have to pray.  But just sitting with a lit candle seems like it would be soothing, you know?  Alicia says it’s enough, just sitting in silence.  It helps me to think of being close to her.”

 

     Getting to her feet, Carol replied, “I think it’s a lovely idea, sweetheart.”  And so saying, she happily went to fetch a candle and matches from the bedroom.  After lighting it, she sat back down and pulled Therese close to her on the sofa, tucking her in the crook of her shoulder and kissing her smooth, warm, sweetly-scented forehead.  Both women sighed, almost simultaneously.  “Oh, that really is lovely, isn’t it, Carol?” Therese asked, and it was more of an observation than question.

 

     The older woman nodded.  “Yes.  It’s peaceful…maybe sacred somehow?”  She stopped to gather her thoughts, listening to the sound of the flickering flame.  “I don’t know what I believe about the Divine, darling, but right now the Divine is here in that flame.”

 

                                   ____________________________________________________

 

     Tonight was no different than many others in the past month or so.  Somewhere long after having gone to bed, Carol was subtly awoken by the sounds creeping into her consciousness, pulling her from the depths of slumber.  It was Therese whimpering, moaning at times, her slender legs moving in an agitated manner and causing the bedclothes to pull at Carol’s lower body.  Drowsily opening her eyes, the older woman peered over at her dark-haired lover and saw her brushing away tears, seemingly in her sleep.  Even in her tired state Carol could feel her heart clench at the sight, and she wondered if Therese would reach out for her, much as she had wondered this very same thing time and again lately.

 

     She gazed up at the void that was their ceiling, soothed by the velvety, inky darkness, willing Therese’s nightmare to end. She was almost startled to feel a tug at her sleeve, followed by arms seeking her neck as Therese slid her lithe young body across the sheets between them with a rustling sound.  Carol instinctively reached for her, enveloping her closely, feeling the heat emanating from her body and the dampness of perspiration on her forehead.

 

     “Oh, my darling, I’m here.  You’re okay now.  You’re right here with me.  Carol.  Shh.  You’re safe here with me,” she whispered, dropping kisses on Therese’s head.  It took a while but eventually she could feel the young woman’s body relax, causing a sense of relief and thankfulness to wash over Carol.  “Just hold me, Carol.  Please don’t let me go,” Therese whispered back.

 

     Carol smiled to herself.  “Never.”

 

 

  1. 2



 

 

     When Therese awoke the next morning, it was first to the awareness of Carol’s arm around her waist and her warm breath flowing gently over her ear, tickling the sensitive skin found there.  Spooning with her this way, Therese felt secure, safe, and infinitely comfortable.  She had no desire to move.  Reluctantly opening her eyes, she realized they still felt swollen and gritty.  The early morning light was seeping through the cracks in the blinds, soft and silver-gray, and somewhere in the distance she could hear the birds singing joyfully of the dawn of a new day, the open windows letting in cool, fresh air that felt like a refreshing balm to her battered heart. 

 

     Last night, Carol had been there for her, as she had said she would.  Therese considered what that felt like, almost as if from a distance.  For all the years she had struggled through periods of nightmares, there had never been anyone to turn to, never anyone in her bed to hold her, or that she would let hold her.  She decided, with almost child-like openness, that she liked it.  Completely outside of the fact that Carol was her lover and a woman she desired deeply, last night she had felt a deepening of their friendship and the experience of physical intimacy that brought a depth of comfort and consolation to the place of her most profound wounding.  She had been alone for so long in her life, she simply had never even yearned for what she felt this morning was an incredible gift, the almost indescribable solace of being held when in deep pain.  It was an act without words that spoke with a mysterious, healing wisdom that left her trembling now.

 

     Alicia would point out the blessing.  Laying there with the reassuring, solid warmth of Carol enveloping her, Therese smiled.  Yes, Carol had blessed her.  _Thank you._   Feeling the need to see her face, Therese turned carefully on her back and then her side, so she could gaze at the still sleeping woman.  _How could someone so utterly beautiful on the outside be so beautiful inside, too?_ She hoped she wouldn’t wake her but could not resist placing her fingertips on the smoothness of a cheek, her thumb tracing the outline of a regal cheekbone.  In repose, Carol’s face was unguarded and relaxed, the fine lines around her eyes and mouth less pronounced.  Therese felt almost stunned once again that she was allowed this liberty, this permission to draw near when the older woman was so vulnerable and unprotected.  It brought tears to her eyes, which stung as they were still sensitive from last night and the remnants of her burning release.

 

     “I feel you watching me,” she heard a sleepy Carol mutter, her words almost slurred.  The younger woman smiled.  “Mm-hmm,” came her whispered reply, “but you don’t need to do a thing.  Shh.  Go back to sleep.  I’m just enjoying looking at you and counting my blessings.”  Instead, Carol opened her eyes, returning a sweetly drowsy smile.  Then her brows knitted and she asked, “How are you?” Deeply moved that her first thoughts would be for her well-being, Therese couldn’t resist leaning over and placing her lips on Carol’s, finding them soft and cool. “I’m fine, Carol, I’m fine,” she softly answered.  Then she kissed her again, her lips gentle and loving.  She pulled back with a tender smile.  “Thank you.”

 

     Carol didn’t pretend not to understand.  “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”  Becoming more alert, she peered closely at Therese, taking in her still swollen eyes and the dark smudges lying beneath them.  “Were you able to sleep restfully?”  The younger woman nodded shyly, and Carol reached out a warm hand to cup her pink cheek.  “I’m so glad.  I wish I could make it all go away…but I’ll be here.   I’ll go through this with you, okay?”  Once again, the tears came to Therese’s eyes.  “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Carol,” she whispered almost breathlessly.  Carol moved, bringing their foreheads together, and Therese sighed with pleasure at her touch, her scent, her warmth, the nearness of her being.

 

     “I ask myself that very same question all the time, darling,” the older woman responded.  With her eyes closed, Carol took a breath and for a moment allowed herself to be still.  Contentment washed over her like a blanket of warm velvet, making her feel loose-limbed and serene.  The fresh, cool breeze flowed gently into the bedroom, the birds sang softly in the distance, and Therese’s warmth was pressed up against her.  It was an elixir, an invitation of the deepest peace.  _Thank you_.  _Thank you,_ _thank you, thank you._

“What are you thinking?” Therese asked quietly, feeling Carol’s smile against her face.

 

     “Oh, just that I’m thankful, darling,” Carol murmured, her hand rubbing light circles between the younger woman’s shoulder blades.  “It’s peaceful here.  Just like this.  Just with you.”  She expelled a slow, almost meditative breath.  “It’s lovely.”

 

     “Mm-hmm, yes.”  Therese moved then, moving her face into the crease of Carol’s neck and breathing in the scent of her soap and skin, then leaving a gentle kiss there before bringing her head up to the pillow, propping it where she could see Carol clearly.  “It feels safe, Carol.  Safe and warm.”  She shrugged her slender shoulders slightly.  “I think I need that lately.”

 

     Carol opened her eyes to convey an expression of reassurance and understanding.  “Of course you do!” she responded.  “How could you not?  With all you’re going through…” Her voice trailed away.  Therese nodded, a slight smile on her lips, then closed her eyes again, almost as if they were too heavy to keep open.  She moved her legs, entwining them with Carol’s, loving the feel of her warm, silky skin.  Then she opened her eyes, broke out in a huge grin, and asked, “Have you ever wanted to make love in a tent?”

 

     Carol went completely still for a moment, the question so unexpected it immobilized her, and then she laughed.  “ _What?_ Where in the world… _why_ would you want to do that?”  She made a face, as if she’d tasted milk gone sour, or a spoonful of cod liver oil.  “ _No_ , Therese, I’ve never entertained the thought!”  The younger woman burst out laughing, and it occurred to Carol it was a joy to hear.  Last night there was so much pain…

 

    Therese seemed to be warming to the thought and almost deviously delighted by her companion’s horrified expression.  “Just think of it, Carol!  The birds would be in the trees all around us!  They would serenade us!  Maybe we’d see goldfinches…oh, they’re so beautiful!  Or hear woodpeckers, I just love them!  Maybe our tent could be next to a stream, and we would hear the water flow all night long…and it would smell _so_ good!  The woods just have that smell to them, you know?  That earthy smell. It’s so dense and rich and…oh, we could sit on the riverbed and just dangle our bare feet in the cool water…”  Her voice faded as both women became aware of a change in the atmosphere, like tectonic plates had shifted and the energy released was reverberating through their bodies.  Therese looked deeply into Carol’s darkening blue eyes, fascinated by the specks of silver that seemed to be giving off charges.  And Carol could see a wild longing in the emerald eyes of her young lover, as if the deep woods she spoke of were seeping into her being.

 

     Carol’s breath was hitched as she whispered, “Therese, darling, just for now, let’s pretend…let’s pretend we’re in the tent…”  Therese was nodding as she moved, pushing Carol onto her back and straddling her, pulling her own nightgown up so her warm, bare legs were free to move, to rock against Carol as her groin began to ache.  Her eyes looked like blazing gemstones to the older woman, who caught her breath as Therese brought her head down, bringing their lips together in a deep, open-mouthed kiss that made them both groan. 

 

     “Oh my god, Carol, oh my god…I, oh…” The feelings coursing through her body made Therese feel so hungry for Carol she felt she would lose her mind.  Her lips were everywhere upon her face, kissing her eyes, her temples, her cheeks, running her tongue along her smooth jawline and then returning to her lips, her tongue finding Carol’s in an erotic invitation. She found the hemline of Carol’s nightgown and pulled at it, her hand seeking her breast while she brought her lips to the fragrant, heated crease of her neck.

 

     “Therese, sweetheart!” Carol gasped, her pulse hammering wildly in the hollow of her throat where her young lover now had her mouth.  When a warm hand found her breast and then pinched her nipple Carol cried out again, craving the feel of Therese’s lips and tongue on the hardened nub.  And when Therese brought her mouth to that very place, Carol was overcome by the feelings of intense pleasure coursing through her.  _More, please more.  I want more..._ Therese sat up then to remove her gown, revealing her lithe young body, the skin creamy white in the pale morning light.  Carol thought she could be a nymph, a woodland nymph with swollen eyes, unkempt hair, and wild, earthy energy.  Looking up at her, she was overwhelmed by her beauty and desperate to feel their bodies naked together.  As if reading her mind, Therese reached for Carol’s gown, pulling it up and over her head gently despite the fierce desire she felt.  And then she lay down upon her, stretching out her legs so that the lengths of their bodies met as she buried her face in the scented warmth behind her ear.

 

     Therese shivered as every nerve ending in her body responded with arousal.  Her lips continued their exploration of Carol’s heated, silky skin, adoring it inch by inch and paying closer attention to the places that brought the deepest groans and sighs from her lover.  And when she reached the center of her desire she felt she herself was in ecstasy, tasting and kissing with her lips and tongue while the loveliest sounds were pulled from somewhere deep in Carol’s chest. Therese paused for a moment, looking up at her face.  Carol’s blond curls lay about her on the pillow in stormy disarray, her eyes were almost black with desire, color stained her cheeks and the ridges of her lovely cheekbones, and her lips were rosy and swollen from having been so thoroughly kissed.  The younger woman smiled sweetly, her hair impossibly, wildly messy, and whispered, “You are so beautiful.  I can’t believe I get to love you this way!”  And with her lips and fingers now she pleasured her, driven on by Carol’s deep moans, her gasps, and cries, and when the spasms began Therese loved her passionately through them, holding her quivering hips and then coming up to embrace her, kissing Carol’s hot cheeks and damp forehead and then her lips, gently now, so gently.

 

     “Oh, Carol,” Therese breathed, “Carol.”  Sometimes there were no words, and this was one of them.  She quietly kissed her forehead, loving the feel of her warm, naked body against her own still humming, pulsating skin.  Carol stroked her hip with light fingertips and Therese felt almost mesmerized by her touch.  The cool morning breeze blew gently into the bedroom and over their heated bodies, and the first rays of sunshine came to warm and brighten the air around them.  Therese closed her eyes, breathing in.  This was a piece of heaven.

 

     “What are you thinking?” Carol softly asked.  Her hand wandered to Therese’s shoulder now in a soft caress, then back down a slender arm, the pale skin still damp with the heat of their loving.  The younger woman didn’t answer because Carol’s hand had slid to her breast, squeezing and palming.  When it found a stiff, rosy nipple and pinched it, Therese groaned.  Carol couldn’t resist bringing it into her mouth, biting gently and then swirling her tongue around the moist nub until Therese cried out.

 

     “Ah, Carol…oh… _I’m not thinking at all!”_   Carol smiled to herself, loving the sound of Therese’s halted, breathless voice and the taste of her smooth, slightly salty skin.  She brought herself up to lay her head beside Therese’s, loving too, the deep, green depths of her eyes and her soft lips, which Carol found completely irresistible.  “Mm,” the older woman murmured as traced Therese’s lower lip with her tongue.  Her kiss was slow and intensely erotic, and she felt Therese sigh heavily, her breath hot and sweet.

 

     Carol’s hand wandered from Therese’s breast, to her silky hip, and then over her flat stomach and lower, lower until it found her mound and went still lower.  When her fingers buried themselves in Therese’s wet folds, both women gasped.  Therese mindlessly opened her legs so Carol could reach still deeper and fill her.  “Ah…oh… _ah!”_ Gasping at the intense pleasure, Therese thought she could melt, that she could become boneless and float on these waves of physical delight, her hips moving instinctively to the sound of a silent, ageless tune. Carol brought her head back to the younger woman’s breast, expertly finding a nipple and beginning to tongue and suck while her fingers moved in her young lover’s moist center.  In a muffled whisper, she asked, “Does this feel good, sweetheart?  Tell me what you want…”

 

     With her eyes closed and head thrown back and an expression of exquisite pleasure on her face, Therese breathed, “Oh, yes!  Oh, Carol, just this…don’t stop.  Please don’t stop…”  And when she came, Carol held her, and Therese threw her arms around her neck, burying her face in Carol’s damp, heated skin until her body finally stopped quivering.  They kissed softly then, and Therese released such a tremendous sigh that Carol laughed lightly.

 

     “Worn out, are you, sweetheart?”  she asked against her cheek.

 

     “Oh, yes!  All that sobbing last night, followed by sex this morning.  I may never leave this bed!”  She pulled slightly away, laying her head where she could look clearly into her lover’s eyes, and placed her hand on a shapely hip.  Smiling sweetly, she whispered, “I feel like we became better friends last night.  Like I let you in a little farther, trusted you more, and you stayed... Thank you.  You are such a blessing to me, Carol.  You’ve put up with so many of my bad moods lately, I know… Thank you!  I just love you so much! _”_

Carol shook her head, returning the smile.  “You’re welcome, darling, and I’m not _putting up_ with anything.  I’m walking with you through a hard time.  That’s what friends do, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”  Seeing a flicker of doubt in the younger woman’s eyes, she asked, “Do you believe me?”

 

     Therese nodded tentatively.  “Yes.  But…I’m still worried, I guess.  I’m scared you’ll get tired of me, Carol, you know, like my mom… If I struggle, especially…”  Her voice faded away as she watched Carol shake her head.

 

     “It’s not going to happen, sweetheart.  Never.  I’ll remind you of that any time!”  She leaned over and placed a light kiss on her lips, breathing in her sweet scent.  “Therese, I love you, too.  You bless me, too.  Please believe that.” 

 

     “Okay, I will.”  Therese paused, and an unexpected gleam came into her eyes, making Carol immediately wary.  So,” the younger woman asked playfully, “do you love me enough to make love in a tent?  How about if I bless you there?”  Her eyebrows rose suggestively and Carol laughed, almost mesmerized by her pale beauty, by her quick wit, wise heart, and vivacious spirit.  Reaching over to cup her cheek, she replied, “You are an imp, my little woodland nymph!  I’d pretty much make love with you anywhere, so you never know… maybe someday, darling.”  She shook her head wryly.  “Life with you will never be dull, will it?”

 

     Therese beamed, almost like a child.  “I hope not!  Let’s never be dull, Carol…promise me we’ll try hard to stay alive together!  _Really alive!_ Is that okay?”

 

     Something twinkled deep within Carol’s blue-grey eyes, and Therese thought of shooting stars in the very darkest skies.  “It’s more than okay, sweetheart.  And I promise!”

 

 

  1. 3



 

 

     “Hello?”

 

     “Alicia!  Hi, it’s Therese.”

 

     “Therese, darling girl!  What a nice surprise!  How are you?”

 

     “I’m good!” Therese paused, smiling as she pictured the nun’s dear face.  “I hear your voice and I miss you, though.”

 

     “Me, too, dear, me too.  Tell me, what’s the occasion?”  There was warmth and curiosity in Alicia’s voice.

 

     “Well, I just…I’ve had you on my mind for a few days.  Carol told me she’s going to teach you how to drive,” Therese said with a note of insecurity in her voice.  “I just wanted to…well, it’s probably inappropriate for me to say anything but…why do you have to drive?”

 

     Surprised, Alicia paused to think for a moment, her brows knitted under her cap of silver hair.  “Hmm…well, I suppose I’m wanting what you and Carol already experience, a little independence.” In her room at the convent, Alicia gazed out the window at the flower gardens, their buds having fallen  long ago now and late October’s winds having blown a carpet of gold, orange, and red leaves in their place.  “I’d like the freedom to use our convent car and take myself to a doctor’s appointment and not have to inconvenience Sr. Catherine Ann so much.  She has her own responsibilities to tend to, dear.  There’s people out in the community she could be ministering to if she wasn’t spending all this time running me to medical appointments.”

 

     Therese had a hand on her throat, nervously stroking the pulse she could feel beating steadily.  “I’m sorry, Alicia.  I shouldn’t even be asking, should I?”  There was a note of embarrassment in her voice.  “I’m just…can I be honest with you?”

 

     The nun laughed.  “Therese, when have I ever wanted you to be anything but?  By all means, be honest!”

 

     The younger woman exhaled loudly.  “Oh, I just really got upset when Carol told me the two of you were planning this!  It scares me, Alicia.  The thought of both of you in the car together, you just learning to drive.  What if something bad happens?  What if you lose control, or crash, or someone else crashes into you?”  Therese could feel her anxiety rising.

 

     Alicia understood in a heartbeat the underlying reason for the call.  “Ah, I see, dear one.”  She spoke with kindness and gentleness.  “You’re afraid you’ll lose both of us at once, aren’t you?”

 

     “Yes!  Yes, I am!  It could happen, and then I’d…well I’m not sure what I’d do but I can’t bear the thought of it!”  Therese’s voice rose in clear reflection of her inner turmoil.

 

     “Therese, try to slow your thoughts, okay?  For one thing, right now I’m just sitting at my desk looking out at the beautiful leaves in the gardens.  Nothing bad is happening to me or Carol right now.  So those scary thoughts are just thoughts, dear.  You don’t have to give them your power.  For another thing, I won’t be learning to drive on a busy road, but hopefully in the local church parking lot.  And finally, how hard can it be?  Certainly, it doesn’t take a swami to learn how to drive safely, right dear?”  She said this last with a lilt in her voice.

 

     Two hours away, Therese smiled as she traced the grain in the pine wood kitchen table with a fingernail.  _It doesn’t take a swami_ … a phrase she’d heard a thousand times.  “No, Alicia, it doesn’t take a swami, and even if it did, you are a swami so you’d have it mastered!”  She sighed again.  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even told you or Carol about my crazy thoughts, I—

 

     “Therese, don’t demean yourself!”  The nun cut her off.  “I’m glad you told me, and I’m sure Carol is, too!  It sounds like you need reassurance and I’m happy to give it.”  She stopped for a moment, and when she continued it was in a tender, motherly voice.  “The real issue is dealing with the vulnerability of loving, isn’t it, child?  The vulnerability of loving and letting go, right?”  On the other end of the phone, Therese could feel her emotions well up, rising in her throat like water in a geyser.  For several moments she was silent, and Alicia asked, “Are you okay?”

 

     Sniffling, the young woman answered, “Yes, I guess so.”  But she needed to stop as her tears began to flow.  “It’s just been so hard lately,” she hiccupped, “I’ve been…I keep having these awful nightmares about my mother.  I finally told Carol about them and she’s been able to be there for me.  But I’m worried I’ll need too much from her, that I’ll wear her out or something.  She says I won’t but I still hide in the bathroom most nights so I don’t wake her.  And I just…it just still hurts so much and I don’t know how to make it stop!” 

 

     Alicia could feel her heart clench with sorrow for the young woman she loved as much as she would a daughter.  “Oh, Therese, _dear one_!  Why didn’t you tell me sooner!  I would have been praying for this specific intention, I would have every nun here in prayer for you on a daily basis, holding you in our hearts…”  She heard the sniffles coming through the line and wished she could hug the young woman.

 

     “Thanks…thank you.  Really.  I’ve been praying, too, but I don’t think I’m too good at it.  Nothing’s changing yet.  And I’m not even sure who or what I believe in.”

 

     Alicia smiled to herself.  “That’s the reason so many people don’t pray at all, dear.  It’s the reason I’ve turned away from it myself a few times in my life.  But I’m a firm believer that in our hardest times it helps to have a community to pray with us, to help strengthen us.  So us Franciscans up here will start praying for and with you if that’s okay.  And if you can’t pray now, don’t worry about it.  We can carry you through…”

 

     A sense of relief washed over Therese then, like a cool, refreshing breeze on a hot, humid day.  “Oh, that would be lovely, Alicia.  Thank you!  It would be so nice to not be alone in this.”

 

     Alicia laughed delightedly.  “That’s part of our mission, darling!  It’s what we do up here!  We pray for the needs of others.  We pray when others can’t.   And you’re _not_ alone, no matter how it feels.”  She paused, thinking something through.  “Therese, if I can find a picture of you from when you were very young, would you like to see it?”

 

     The young woman answered immediately but with some diffidence.  “Why…why would I want to see a picture of myself?”  She suddenly felt nervous.

 

     “Oh, I think a visual might help you heal, dear.  I think you see yourself as a little monster that your mother needed to get away from.  But you weren’t!  You were a sweet, darling little thing, and I wonder if you could _see_ yourself you would know that and it would take the power away from your mother’s choices for good.  It was all about _her,_ Therese.  Not you, never you…”  An image formed in Alicia’s head.  “I’d like to see you have a picture of yourself to display in your own home, so Carol and your friends could see it and say, ‘look how beautiful you were!’  I think you need to hear that, perhaps over and over again.  And you need to be able to pick up the picture and tell that child that very same thing yourself.”

 

     Therese was silent as tears formed in her eyes.  “Alicia, you are so wise, you’re such a swami!  I think…I think that might be very helpful to me.  I have no idea what I looked like…”

 

     “Well I do, dear!  And I’d like you to know, too.  I think it might help you to have a healing ritual.  You need a replacement for the scary dreams, for all your negative self-talk.  Heaven knows I’ve spent long enough in therapy myself to figure this out.”  She sat up straighter in her desk chair, a certain resolve settling in physically and emotionally.  “I have a bag in storage with my things from St. Agatha’s.  When I first came up here I wasn’t well enough to sort through things, but you’re giving me a good reason to do so now.  I know I have photos in there…somewhere.  I’ll look soon, okay?”

 

     Therese sat back in the hard, wooden kitchen chair, a sense of peace and calm coming over her.  When she spoke, it was in a quiet voice, and she realized she felt soothed and comforted.  “I’m glad I called you.  I feel so much better, Alicia!  Thank you!  And…you promise me you’ll be careful driving?  You won’t take any unnecessary chances?  Can you promise me?”

 

     “Of course, darling!  Carol won’t let me take any unnecessary chances, for one thing.  And for another, I have too much living yet to do. But I _do_ want to have fun!”  The nun laughed, and Therese suddenly had a flash of memory, of being a child and having said something…she didn’t know what but it had amused Alicia so much that she had laughed that very same laugh…like church bells ringing out over a hillside.  And now, all these years later, she remembered the joy she had felt then, the purity of that moment which remained undefiled, as if time and distance and passages had no power over its sacred essence.  It felt like a precious gift.  A beautifully wrapped present she could unwrap and cherish over and over again. 

 

      Therese paused to breathe, to close her eyes and envision Alicia’s dear face, with her blue eyes twinkling and smooth cheeks as red as cherries.  She smiled.  “I love you, Alicia.”

 

     “I love you, too, Therese.  Give Carol my love and I’ll be in touch soon.”

 

     They rang off just as Therese heard keys jangling in the front door lock.  Carol came in, her arms filled with brown bags of groceries and sunglasses still on her face.  She wore a blue scarf on her blond curls, a pearl-gray pea coat, and a navy skirt with serviceable flats made for walking the streets of Manhattan.  Rounding the corner into the kitchen, she spotted Therese and her face lit up with a beaming smile.  “Well hi, darling!” she exclaimed as she placed the bags heavily on the table.  She reached for her sunglasses, pulling them off, and Therese could see the smile reflected in her blue eyes.

 

     “Hi, Carol,” she answered placidly as she stood.  “Are there any other packages?  Can I help you?”  Carol shook her head as she removed her scarf, her blond curls falling free.  Then she smiled again, her eyes darkening with emotion.  Taking a step or two, she reached out and pulled Therese into her arms, the scent of fresh, cool air still lingering in a wave around her.  “Hmm, you feel good!  It’s good to see you!”

 

     Therese laughed, her face pressed into the soft wool of the taller woman’s coat, enjoying the momentary closeness.  “It’s good to see you, too!”  She pulled away slightly, looking up with a sweet smile which brought her dimples out in full.  “We just saw each other though.  God, we have it kind of bad, don’t we?  Do you think other couples are like us?”

 

     Carol shook her head, and unable to resist the younger woman’s rosy lips, she pressed a kiss upon them.  “Sweetheart, I hope we _always_ have it bad, and frankly I don’t really care if other couples are like us.”  She stepped back and shrugged out of her coat, which she tossed haphazardly on a chair.  Then she pulled Therese into her arms again, bringing her face to the soft skin at her neck and breathing in appreciatively.  “Mm, you smell wonderful!”  She kissed her there once, then again, and then again, and Therese could feel the stirrings of desire begin in her lower belly.  “Carol,” she whispered, “should we…are there things for the freezer we’re going to forget about?”  The older woman went still, and then laughed lightly.  “Oh, yes, there are!  Damn!  And here I was thinking about sex in the kitchen…” 

 

     Therese’s green eyes were huge, and Carol thought, as she frequently did, of lily pads in deep, still pools.  “ _Jesus_ , Carol…” Her voice faded as images suddenly sprang to mind that had nothing to do with putting away groceries. “I’m sorry I asked!”  Carol threw back her head and laughed.  “Not half as sorry as I am!  But the ice cream will melt, and we have to put the eggs away…”  She smiled, lifting her eyebrows suggestively.  “But another time…” she said, drumming the table with light fingertips.

 

     “ _Carol!”_   Therese exclaimed again.  She felt her face go hot and flushed, and looked down quickly to reach for the groceries while her hormones raged.  Carol reached beneath her chin and placed a last, quick kiss on her lips.  “You are adorable, and I love you!”  Therese kissed her cheek.  “I love you, too.”  Then they began emptying the bags, working in synch with one another in the small kitchen where a few rays of late October sun warmed the hardwood floor and seemed to reflect off the warm, yellow walls.

 

     “What have you been up to, darling?” Carol asked conversationally as she put perishables in the refrigerator.  Enjoying the sight of her long, graceful, uncommon beauty, Therese answered in a somewhat distracted voice, “Oh, I called Alicia.  We had a really nice talk.  I miss her!”  Having completed her task, the older woman sat at the kitchen table, motioning for Therese to do the same. 

 

     “How is she?  How’s she feeling?”

 

     “She sounds good, Carol.  Typical Alicia…warm and amusing and caring.”  Therese paused to think for a moment, and then made eye contact with Carol, her green eyes silently pleading for understanding.  “I called to ask her about the driving thing…It’s still been on my mind.”  She stopped to run a palm over the smoothly worn wood of the tabletop, finding herself soothed and grounded by its solidity, by its sweet, piney scent slightly permeating the warm kitchen.

 

     Carol turned her head slightly, her curls falling on her shoulder in a wave of pale gold, and smiled gently.  “And was it helpful, Therese?  Was Alicia able to quell some of your fears?”

 

     Therese returned a faint smile.  “I think so.  At least she assured me she wasn’t planning to get behind the wheel and burn up the road!”  They both laughed lightly, and then the younger woman grew serious again.  “I know this is my work, Carol.  She had some ideas for me of things she thought might help. It’s just so challenging for me…dealing with the nightmares and whatever vulnerabilities are scaring me now…”  She sighed, but not unhappily, and then an unexpected smile lit her pale face, making Carol want to leave thumbprints upon each dimpled cheek. 

 

     “Alicia said she’s going to ask all the nuns to pray for me.  I find that just so lovely!  I don’t think I’ve ever felt like a group of people cared enough about me to think of me, and certainly not to want to pray for me.  It’s…consoling. And it makes me feel stronger somehow, like I’m really not alone and other people can bear some of the weight for a while.”  She paused, her dark eyebrows coming together as if she was attempting to think her way through a word problem. “Do you think it’s okay to want that?  To be relieved that others will pray for my needs?”

 

     “Sweetheart, it sounds delightful if you ask me.  It just makes you human!”  Carol stood gracefully and moved her chair so she could be next to the younger woman.  She reached over and took her hand.  “It seems like maybe part of what can be healing for you is to keep reminding yourself you don’t _have_ to do it all alone anymore, darling.  You may be struggling at times, maybe the road seems impossible to walk.  But you don’t have to walk alone, not in body or spirit.  I’m here, and so are a couple hundred Franciscan nuns!”

 

     Something moved in Therese then and it was as if an old, dark, heavy cloak was falling from her shoulders, falling to the ground in a pile of ashes, or perhaps a cloud of dust.  She closed her eyes and could almost see it happening, and her slender frame sagged with relief.  A snippet of a poem made its way into her consciousness, though she could not have said who wrote it:  _Awake, my dear.  Be kind to_ _your sleeping heart.  Take it out into the vast fields of light, and let it breathe._

 

     Therese turned to Carol, joy alighting her lovely face like fireflies on a summer’s night.  “ _Oh, Carol!_   I can give myself permission, can’t I?”  Her question was asked with a spontaneous smile so lovely it took Carol’s breath away.  Therese had a sudden vision of the spirits of the Franciscan nuns, like little flames of light, seeping into her matter and marrow and fabric and bones, moving through her own essence and leaving lighted trails of grace.  _Yes, let them pray!  Please!_

 

     She breathed out, a release so profound it echoed through Carol, and the older woman wondered if it was possible to die and be born in the very same instant.  She had no words except two, the only words that seemed appropriate now.  Pulling Therese near in a warm hug, she whispered, “Let’s just say _thank you_ , darling.  _Thank you, thank you.”_

  1. 4



 

 

     “Okay now, gently ease off the clutch as you press the gas pedal,” Carol calmly instructed while looking at Alicia’s feet, clad in her clunky black shoes beneath her black tunic.  The nun nodded without looking at Carol and appeared to be concentrating deeply, her brow furrowed and eyes squinting at the tarmac of the parking lot. 

 

     “Okay, here goes,” Alicia responded, and so saying she released the clutch rapidly while jamming down on the gas with surprising force for a relatively short, somewhat rounded nun in a black and white habit.  The big Packard’s tires spun wildly on the pavement with a loud screech and the car shot forward with such momentum Carol’s hat almost flew off her head.  “I did it, I did it!” Alicia shouted exuberantly, as the car began to grind its gears loudly.  “But what’s that noise, Carol?”

 

     The other woman had been so shocked that it was a moment before she realized she’d been spoken to.  She spun her head around, blond curls sweeping into an eye, and answered loudly, “You have to change gears.  Do you remember how to get into second gear?” she asked above the racket as the car lurched and sputtered.  _Jesus!_   “Yes!” the nun replied enthusiastically.  Alicia remembered to depress the clutch as she shifted, but then released it very quickly again and this time the big car thrust itself forward and then promptly stalled.

 

     “Oh!” Alicia interjected in a mystified voice.  “What did I do wrong?” 

_Am I only allowed to name one thing?_   Carol’s thoughts were a confused jumble as she looked at the nun, who somehow managed to look placidly cherubic, her blue eyes twinkling but peaceful, her smooth, full cheeks flushed with excitement, and her habit perfectly balanced on her gray curls.  _She_ _looks like an angel who got into mischief,_ she decided, and then answered, “Oh, well…let me collect my thoughts.”  She paused, stalling because she truly didn’t know where to start.  “So, we just stalled, Alicia, because you engaged the clutch but forgot to press the gas pedal.”

 

     The nun’s hands flew to her cheeks and she gasped.  “I forgot to press the gas!  Ah, well, that explains it,” she replied almost merrily, and then without missing a beat continued, “Okay, should I try again?”

 

     “Uh, yes, well…let’s review a few other minor points first, okay?” 

 

     But it proved to be a difficult first driving lesson, with Alicia struggling to master the gas, clutch, and steering wheel simultaneously, and Carol on the verge of indigestion and with a welt on her lower lip where she’d bitten down on it so many times.  Finally, in a far corner of the parking lot of Pace di Christo Convent, where Alicia had lurched, hopped, crawled and grinded, but rarely driven, the big Packard, she stopped the car precipitously.  Turning to look at Carol, who had a sheen of perspiration on her brow despite the cool, late October temperature, the little nun smiled gamely.

 

     “How about that’s enough for my first lesson?” Alicia asked.

 

     _Thank you, God._   Carol returned the smile and tried not to agree too enthusiastically with her suggestion.  “Well, if you feel you’ve had enough…” she commented, her voice trailing away suggestively.

 

     Alicia unexpectedly broke out in her trademark peals of laughter, which seemed to ricochet happily off the interior walls of the car.   “Carol, you are terrible at faking it!” she commented, her deep blue eyes twinkling with merriment and wisdom.  “Remember now, I’m a swami, and swami say, Alicia-is-horrible-driver!” Then she laughed again and it was so infectious the other woman could not help but join in.  Soon, both women were red-faced, with tears squeezing their way out of the corners of their eyes.  Carol opened the glove compartment and reached for a small box of tissues, grabbing one for herself and handing another to the nun, who proceeded to blow her nose with the same gusto she used for laughing.

 

     Carol shook her head, wiping her nose daintily while smiling fondly at Alicia.  “Well, you’re not _that_ terrible, Alicia.  You just need a lot of work!  But we have time.  I’ve got to come to Albany two out of the next three weeks and we’ll just make plans for more lessons.  Okay?”

 

     “If you think you can handle it, dear.  You weren’t saying anything, but this couldn’t have been easy for you!  How about parking this big ship and you can come have a cup of tea with me? How does that sound?”  The nun smiled placidly, her face taking on the serene glow Carol had come to expect.

 

     “Perfect!  Thank you.  I need to get out of the car for a bit before I head home.”  Carol opened the passenger door, coming gracefully around to the driver’s side.  She offered Alicia a hand, helping her out of the car and noticed the nun grimace slightly.  “Is your hip okay?  It certainly just got thrown around a bit!”

 

     Rubbing her hip lightly, Alicia replied, “Do you know, I actually think it feels a little less stiff.  I’m always being told to exercise.  Maybe the work of pressing the gas and brake was good for it, dear.”  She looked at Carol with a playful smile.  “Good for my hip, bad for your neck, no?”

 

     Laughing, Carol got back into the big Packard and proceeded to drive it smoothly to a parking space more near the convent’s residence area.  As Alicia slowly walked her way, she enjoyed the feel of the late afternoon sunshine, still tinged with warmth on this October afternoon.  The grounds of Pace di Christo were simply beautiful, with oak, maple, chestnut, and beech trees in various states of undress, some still thick with their coats of leaves waving in yellow, red-orange, and golden splendor.  The colors seemed to shimmer, to vibrate with an essence she couldn’t name but nonetheless gratefully absorbed.  The walkways were strewn with nature’s finest carpeting, the colors vibrant here, muted there, and a rich, earthy scent permeated the air.  Carol took a deep breath and could almost feel her entire body sinking into a deeply relaxed state.  Pace de Christo.  _Peace of Christ._ The convent was aptly named.

 

     “You look like a beautiful statue, dear,” Alicia observed as she approached, taking in the tall, slender woman in the gray pea coat, a matching hat perched expertly upon the blond curls which shone with golden highlights in the pale sunshine, her lovely face an image of serene perfection.  Carol smiled pleasantly.  “I’m wondering if the Franciscans have considered selling vacation packages to harried young mothers and stressed businessmen.  Trust me, you could make a lot of money!”

 

     The nun laughed.  “Oh, but we do, Carol.  They’re called _retreats_!  People come all week long for peace, quiet, and prayer, and we make money to fund our ministries.”  As they began walking, Alicia glanced sideways at her companion, noting that she was still gazing at the grounds, almost longingly.  “Would you like to sit on a bench for a while and visit?  We don’t have to head in yet.”

 

     Nodding, Carol answered, “So the swami reads minds, too.  I’d love that, actually.  It’s so lovely, and not too chilly yet…”  The two women walked leisurely to a bench in a quiet alcove, Alicia with a slight limp.  “Your hip, is it hurting too much?  Should we get out of the cool air?”

 

     Sitting down, Alicia motioned for the other woman to do the same, patting the bench with assurance.  “No, no!  This is perfect.  And the fresh air will tire me out and help me sleep tonight.  Come sit, dear.  Tell me what’s caused the cloudiness in those beautiful eyes of yours.”

 

     Carol glanced at her with surprise.  “I’m cloudy?  How can you tell?”

 

     “Carol dear, it doesn’t take a swami!  You’ve been carrying a heavy weight around this whole time.”  She paused to reach over and give her hand a squeeze.  “You don’t have to tell me anything, though, but I would hazard to guess this has something to do with Therese’s struggles…”

 

     Smiling faintly, Carol glanced away, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes briefly.  When she opened them her eyes fell on the small, artfully lettered sign on a post in the garden bed next to them.  It stood alone, no flowers to keep it company, but a carpet of gold and brown leaves littered the ground at its feet.  She read, _Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love._ “Those are lovely words, Alicia.  But so very hard to live up to!”

 

     Alicia chuckled softly.  “Perhaps that’s why St. Francis made it a prayer.  It is hard, I agree.”

 

     Gazing off into the yard, Carol took in the beauty of the trees with their startling array of colors splashed against the pale blue mid-autumn sky.  She sighed ponderously before she spoke.  “Maybe I need a retreat, Alicia.  A getaway.  I’m really struggling at home, it’s been so hard… Therese is having such a hard time still.  The nightmares are less, but she still cries in her sleep several nights a week.  And during the day she’s so hot and cold!  One minute warm and approachable, while in the next…she snaps at me.  Sometimes it’s veiled hostility, sometimes she has a hard time letting me out of her sight…”  She sighed heavily again and looked at the nun with pained eyes.  “It drives me crazy!  And I’m trying to be supportive…understanding.”  She shook her head and closed her eyes briefly.  “I don’t want it to be like it was with Harge, Alicia.  That was so awful and I’m scared…”

 

     Now Alicia reached out and took Carol’s cool hand, drawing it into her lap securely.  “And what are you afraid of, dear?”

 

     Tears came to Carol’s eyes, and she brushed them away impatiently.  “Oh, that I’ll repeat history!  That I’ll lose what I have with Therese, what we have, and it’s _so beautiful_ …”  She stopped, too choked up to speak for a moment.  Then she looked at Alicia, her wet lashes darkened around her blue-gray eyes, cheeks flushed pink by emotion and cool air. “Alicia, I love Therese, so much more than I ever loved Harge, if I ever loved him at all… There’s no comparison.  She’s everything to me, besides Rindy, and I can’t…I don’t want to lose her, for everything to fall apart.  But sometimes I just want to scream!  I want her back!  I want it to go back to the way it was…”  She began to weep softly, and Alicia just sat quietly holding her hand.  “She’s so angry, so temperamental lately!  I feel like she’s blaming me for her fucking mother!”  The moment she said this, Carol gasped and then slapped a hand over her mouth in horror.  “Oh god, Alicia, I’m so sorry!  Oh, I can’t believe I said that.  Jesus Christ, _I’ve got to get a grip_.”  Then she stopped again, her eyes closing in embarrassment.  “Oh no, now I’ve blasphemed!”  Opening her eyes, she looked at the nun, who gazed back with placid understanding and amusement on her face.

 

     In a mock, stern voice, Alicia intoned, “Carol, you’re going to go straight to hell.”  When this didn’t draw a laugh out of her beautiful companion, the stout little nun continued, “It’s okay, dear.  Let it go, okay?  You’ve got enough to worry about.  I don’t like the language but it’s understandable.  And incidentally, I’m sure Jesus Christ _could_ help you get a grip.”  She paused and was relieved to see some of the horror on Carol’s face seemed to be dissolving.  “Darling, this is _hard._ And on some level, you _are_ paying the price for Therese’s mother’s actions.  But…this is the work of loving.”  She took a deep breath, expelling it slowly, and then almost whispered, “Who ever said loving was easy?”  The question seemed to fade away, lifted aloft on the light wind currents as if they mercifully desired to abate its heaviness.

 

     Reaching into the pocket of her dark brown coat, Alicia took out a clean white handkerchief and passed it to Carol, who took it gratefully.  After dabbing at her cheeks and lightly blowing her nose, she answered, “I’m sure no one ever said it was easy, but someone should have warned us it was so hard!”

 

     Alicia laughed lightly.  “Carol dear, you just missed a few books in college!”  She paused, considering her words carefully.  “You need to tell Therese how you’re feeling, you know.  I’m glad you’re venting with me, you certainly need support now…but you must be honest with Therese.  I’ll tell you something a therapist taught me a long time ago.  When you have some quiet time to be alone, ask yourself two questions: _Where does it hurt?  What do I need?_   Suggest to Therese that she do the same.  You can tell her Swami Alicia recommended it.  Then choose a time when you’re both in a good place, pour yourselves a cup of coffee or tea, or maybe wine…and have an honest conversation in which you answer these questions as best you can.”

 

     Carol looked at her doubtfully.  “Oh, Alicia, I don’t know if I have it in me.  Look what happened in my marriage, for heaven’s sake!  Harge and I just yelled at each other, or he flew into a rage and belittled me.”  She sounded irritable and tired, and a hardness had crept into her voice.

 

     Alicia nodded with assurance.  “Of course, you have it in you!  But it’s work, dear. It’s part of the work of loving, and certainly part of healthy communication.  You need to set ground rules.  _No yelling or belittling_ _allowed._  And so on.  I’ve no doubt you can find it in you!  The nuns around here do, when I have to assist with conflict resolution, and let me tell you some of us here behave like six-year old’s!  Maggie and I did it, and we could fight like cats and dogs when we wanted to!  You and Therese can do this, I’m sure of it.”  Her face softened then, and when she spoke it was in an almost passionate whisper.  “She loves you very deeply, Carol.  And I know you love her just as much.  You can do this!  You both can do this.  Trust me!”

 

     Carol still sounded hard and wounded when she spoke.  “Alicia, I really don’t think we have what we need.  Therese is like a bleeding animal lately, and I’m trying to be there for here while bleeding for Rindy the whole time.  It seems impossible and…well, no one taught us how to do this!  She didn’t have parents and mine barely even spoke!  It’s not like we had good examples!”  There was bitterness in her tone, and her perceptive companion had no difficulty seeing through this to the fear and pain lying beneath.  When Alicia spoke, her voice was softened by compassion.

 

     “Oh, my dear, _none of us did!_ Or at least maybe it was only point-one percent of us.  We come to our marriages, our relationships, burdened by the wounds of childhood, carrying the sins of our parents on our shoulders.  The only training we get is on the job, which is why we hurt each other so much.  We’re like toddlers in college classrooms, for heaven’s sake!  But such is life!”  She laughed without humor before continuing.  “I’m talking way too much here, Carol, but still I want you to listen to me, okay?”

 

     Carol nodded, completely attentive while she thought, _why wouldn’t I want to listen to you?_ She was only distantly aware of the birds chirping melodiously here and there, the trees swaying in the light breeze, some of the bare branches rattling while others still whispered with a soothing swoosh of their  vibrant leaves.  Her feet were beginning to grow cold, not that she cared much. 

Alicia took a deep breath, looking at her companion with blue eyes lit from within, her rounded cheeks flushed crimson like a glade of wild Irish roses finding sunlight in the woods.  “I know way too much about what it’s like to live life as a victim, dear one.  It wasn’t just the rape, you know,” she said firmly, her eyes finding Carol’s and piercing like twin lasers, “I was victimized by my choices for years, Carol.  By fear, anxiety, and anger that I refused to take charge of!  Not to mention the horrific actions of that...low-life creep!  It took me years to _really_ claim my life, to take responsibility for my own wounds and grow up.  With God’s grace by my side I chose to fight, to heal, to live far differently than either I or my parents ever had.”  She stopped for a breath, her ample chest billowing out beneath her coat.

 

     “You and Therese can choose the same thing, if you want.  You can choose to make your relationship very different, dear.  To free yourselves from the clutches of Therese’s mom, and your marriage, and your parents… You can do this!  Ask for God’s grace, darling.  I’ve already got a couple hundred sisters here praying for you.  You can’t lose!”

 

     Carol felt breathless, her pulse hammering in her throat like rapid drumbeats.  _She still looks like a_ _mischievous angel, one that’s flown to the top of the world._ Tilting her blond head sideways, she smiled at the little nun, whose black habit now sat rather crookedly atop her silver cap of curls, with great fondness.  “Maybe you’re right, Alicia.  I feel like with you behind us, we can’t lose.”

 

     The nun paused for a moment and then, still holding her companion’s hand, she asked, “May I pray for you now?  I would like very much to.”  Her round, pleasant face seemed set aglow with a generous, expansive love, and Carol felt somehow graciously encompassed.

 

     Almost surprising herself, she answered quietly, “Yes, Alicia, I think I’d like that very much.”  The nun bowed her head, and Carol let her gaze fall on the colorful leaves strewn at her their feet, some falling even now from the trees around them, drifting down peacefully, without a care in the world, as if assurance of a perfect landing was running through their veins even as they first became unmoored.

 

     Alicia closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and said, “Lord, I pray for dear Carol now, I place her needs before you. I ask that she receive the grace of an open, soft, receptive heart so that your Holy Spirit can come in and do its work, filling her mind with wisdom and her soul with the fire of your sustaining love.  Grant her deep peace and the reassurance of your faithful presence always.  Bless dear Therese and the love they share, and remind them of your companionship on the journey they walk together in love.  I pray in the name of Christ Jesus, Amen.”

 

     Carol had been lulled by the nun’s serene voice and the waltz of the leaves, but turned her head now with a grateful expression on her face.  She squeezed Alicia’s hand firmly.  “Thank you, Alicia.  That was simply lovely.  It made me let go for a second.”

 

     Alicia smiled warmly.  “Carol dear, it’s when we let go that miracles can really begin to happen.” 

 

                                                    ______________________________________

 

     As the elevator climbed the floors to their apartment, Carol could feel fatigue rattling her bones.  And yet she still felt fed and refreshed, as if she had stopped to take a sip from a cool mountain stream when desperately thirsty.  This despite the almost hopelessly difficult task of trying to teach Alicia to drive the Packard.  How she would master that task she would never know!

 

     As the doors slid quietly open, she heard a voice whispering, seemingly from the ceiling somewhere, or was that from within?  _The Lord is kind and merciful; He is patient and full of love._ She stopped for a moment, shaking her head in bemusement as she leaned against the wall. What was it with her elevator rides these days?  This was the second time in recent weeks she’d heard mysteriously spoken words, and this time she was sure they were biblical.  This although she’d never read the bible.  Alicia would have a field day with this if she told her! 

 

     As Carol inserted the key in the lock, she squared her shoulders, wondering what kind of space Therese would be in, how pleasant her disposition.  There didn’t seem to be rhyme or reason to her mercurial moods and sometimes Carol came home and headed immediately for the liquor cabinet, if truth be told.  She took a step into the front hallway, listening cautiously for a sound from Therese.  When she didn’t hear anything, the older woman put her keys and purse on the small side table, shrugging out of her coat with a thankful sigh.

 

      Kicking off her shoes, she called out, “Therese?  Sweetheart?  I’m home.”  When she still didn’t hear Therese, Carol grew concerned.  Following a hunch, she headed for the bedroom, where the bedside lamps had been turned on.  She noticed the light peeking out from beneath the bathroom door and approached softly, her footsteps muted by the plush carpet underfoot.  She lifted a graceful hand and knocked gently, saying, “Therese?  Honey, I know you’re in there.  Are you okay?  Can I come in?”

 

     After a beat or two, the door was opened slowly.  Therese stood there biting her bottom lip, her deep emerald eyes huge and looking suspiciously red-rimmed.  But the smaller woman held her gaze steady, though the muscle clenched in her jaw gave away her tense emotional state.  “You’re here.  You’re home,” she stated redundantly, twisting her fingers around each other with nervous agitation.

 

     Carol smiled and reached for her, pulling her gently into her arms.  She smiled at the lovely feel of the warm, slender body of her beautiful young lover pressed against her, the fresh, tangy smell of her shampoo filling Carol’s nostrils where she bent to kiss the top of her head.  “Of course I’m home, darling,” she replied, her voice husky and warm.  “Where else would I be?”  Therese didn’t answer for a moment or two, and then Carol felt a tremor go through her small body.

 

     “I was worried, Carol,” she whispered.  “What if you didn’t come home?  What if something happened?  What if you had an accident, or Alicia crashed and you both were injured, or…or something worse?”  She pulled herself away from their embrace, looking up at the taller woman with damp eyes and a brave expression on her lovely face.  “I’ve been trying to be strong.  Confident and calm… It’s been hard, Carol.”  She bit her lip, the gesture revealing her diffidence.  “I’ve been scared.”

 

     Carol smiled and bent to kiss her smooth forehead, her cheek, and finally her soft, rosy lips.  Brushing her own lips lightly back and forth, she hummed for no reason other than the pure pleasure of being so close to this little woman who owned her heart in such a big way.  Then she pulled her back into the security of their embrace, resting her chin on Therese’s shoulder while running her hands soothingly up and down her back.  “It’s okay, darling.  We can do scared.  We can do worried.  We’ll get through this, okay?  We’ll make it through together.”

 

     She felt Therese nod and then sigh with relief, and the younger woman replied, “Okay…yes, okay.  We will!  And Alicia?  How did she do?  How were her driving lessons?” 

 

     Carol’s response was immediate.  “Oh god, Therese!  She was awful!  _That’s_ something I just may not survive!”

 

 

 

  1. 5



 

_Merciful.  Merciful.  Mercy, mercy._ The word lingered with Carol for days, clinging to her in soothing fashion like the scent of fresh-baked apple pie in her kitchen.  It would pop into her head at odd times, at work, or the train station, or in the grocery line.  But especially, when she glanced at Therese from across the room.  _The Lord is kind and merciful…_

 

     She’d never really heard the word used much, except maybe when she heard her mother or grandmother say, “Mercy me!”  Not quite said in the same context as the bible verse.  Carol had an inkling, she thought one sunny, but chilly afternoon as she clattered along the pavement in her high heels to her car, that the message for her was not only that the Lord was merciful, but that _she_ needed to be full of mercy.  Seeing as how she wasn’t even sure there _was_ a Lord, the latter was something she could contemplate much more easily.  She thought about how she’d gone so far as to take the dictionary out a few days ago and read the definition.  _Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone_ _whom it was in one’s power to punish or harm._

As she drove she pondered whether she was a merciful person, in general, and knew the answer was no.  With Rindy definitely, and more so with people she truly cared about.  But even then, if she was hurt, her tendency was to lash out and not to be merciful.  And with strangers sometimes…heaven forbid, half the time they could make her want to chew glass and _then_ lash out.  She didn’t think mercy came naturally or easily for herself or other people in general.

 

     Riding the elevator up to the apartment now, she smiled to herself and wondered whether the Wise Voice would throw out another verse for her to ponder.  When none came, she ascertained it was because she hadn’t put this one to good use yet.  Letting herself into the apartment, she put down her purse and keys even as she was shrugging out of her coat, noticing the silence of the room.  Therese hadn’t come home from work yet, and Carol was grateful for the time alone to change and decompress before her young girlfriend arrived.  She entered their bedroom with her pale blue sweater already half unbuttoned.  Soon thereafter she unzipped her gray, wool skirt, which slid smoothly down her hips and legs, leaving her clad in slip, underwear, and hose.  As she mused over what she’d like to put on for the evening, the phone rang, making her jump slightly.  She peered at it uncertainly, a part of her preferring to ignore its harsh summons at the moment.  But shrugging her shoulders in slight frustration, she padded instead to the bedside table and picked up the receiver, sitting on the bed simultaneously.

 

     “Hello?” Carol answered pleasantly.

 

     “Carol?  Well, hello!  It’s Elaine Hartsell, dear.  How are you doing?” came the polite reply.

 

     Surprised, Carol smiled as she exclaimed, “Elaine!  What a surprise!  It’s good to hear your voice.  I’m just fine.  How are you?”  Realizing she was already beginning to feel chilled in the cool bedroom, she stood and pulled back the covers before propping up a few pillows, crawling in bed, and pulling the soft comforter up around her waist.

 

     “Oh, I’m good, really good!  My old bones are beginning to creak a bit as the weather gets colder, but still I have very little to complain about.  I’m thankful, to be honest.  And how’s Therese?”

_What a complicated question,_ she thought, but instead replied, “Therese is doing well.  She’s working some longer hours but still loves it.  And when she has a chance she’s over in Central Park taking photos and trying to capture the gorgeous foliage.”

 

     Elaine murmured her agreement.  “Oh, I know, hasn’t it just been lovely this year?  I’m not sure what accounts for years when the leaves are more glorious, but I’ll take it.”  She paused, and when she spoke her voice sounded slightly wistful.  “Maggie and I loved the autumn, Carol, especially out here at the house.  There are so many trees…so much beauty…and with the ocean, it’s almost unimaginably beautiful!  It’s a wonder we never lost our jobs for all the times we played hooky.”

 

     Chuckling, Carol agreed.  “Well, I wouldn’t have blamed you a bit.  Who would want to leave that gorgeous space and clatter into the grime of the city?  I wouldn’t if I lived out there!”  She sank a little lower on the bed, seeking to cover her bare shoulders which now felt chilled.  Pushing a lock of golden hair away from her mouth, she asked, “But tell me, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?”

 

     There was a slight pause before Elaine responded, “Well, I actually wanted to run something by you and ask a favor, if that’s okay?”  There was a small hesitation in the older woman’s voice.

 

     Nonplussed, Carol replied, “Of course, go right ahead, by all means!”  She smiled to herself, glad to be speaking with Elaine, who in their short times together she had found to be warm, kind, intelligent, soulful, and loving.

 

     “First, let me tell you I’ve had an addition to my family, Carol.  I adopted a three-year old mutt named Sparky!”  The other woman was startled.  “Oh, my, a dog!  Is this…had you thought about this for a while or did the urge come upon you quickly?”  After a moment’s consideration, Elaine said, “Maybe a little of both.  We had a dog growing up and I’ve wanted to get one in my adult years.  But there was work, and then travelling, and then we retired and Maggie took ill.  There’s just never seemed to be the right time, to be honest with you.  But with winter coming quickly, I made the leap.  I just can’t…I don’t know if I can…” she paused, and when she spoke again her voice was hushed.  “I didn’t want to have to face another winter without Maggie and be so alone out here, Carol. It’s so hard…and I already have no regrets.  Sparky is a peach!  I love him!” she exclaimed.

 

     Carol laughed delightedly.  “Well, Therese and I will look forward to meeting the little guy!”

 

     “Well, maybe you can, soon… And he’s not exactly little, by the way.  But anyhow, I have to go to Maine to nurse my older sister through a surgery in a couple weeks.  And I wondered if you and Therese might be willing to house and dog sit for me?  I’d be gone from Friday through Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning at the latest.  I know you work there in the city, and I’d purchase train passes for both of you.  I was just hoping…it’s just that I don’t want to board him so soon after I’ve gotten him.  I want him to be in his new home environment with loving people around him.  The neighbor can let him out while you’re at work… Come to think of it, they may not even have cages big enough for Sparky!”  Then Elaine chuckled with considerable amusement.

 

     On the other end of the line, Carol’s mouth dropped open and her eyes widened with alarm.  Sitting up straighter, she gripped the phone and hesitation was obvious in her voice as she asked, “Just how big _is_ Sparky?”

 

     Elaine laughed at her discomfort.  “Oh, I’m exaggerating, Carol.  He’s only about one hundred-thirty pounds or so, give or take a steak or two!”  Then she laughed again.  Carol was completely flummoxed.  “One hundred and thirty pounds?  Why that’s…but that’s…”  She stopped, truly at a loss for words.  Elaine piped in, “It’s exactly what I weighed in my younger, slimmer days!  Unfortunately, I outweigh Sparky now.  But he’s just lovely, and well-trained.  He’s a gentle giant, truly,” she finished, aware she was trying to sell the other woman on the big, loving oaf who sat sprawling even now at her feet, looking up at her with warm, gentle, soulful eyes peeking out from underneath his mountain of coal black fur.  She bent to pet him and murmured, almost absentmindedly, “Can you think about it at least, Carol?  Talk it over with Therese?  It would certainly give you a few days at the beach, and maybe you could both take an extra day off work and have a long weekend at home here if you wanted…”

 

     Carol was still feeling doubtful, but nonetheless she agreed to at least talk it over with Therese.  Jotting down the dates on the pad on the bedside table, she rang off just as she heard the younger woman come into the apartment.  “Carol?” she heard her call.  “In the bedroom, darling,” she called back.

 

     Therese came into the bedroom without having removed her coat, cheeks pink with cold and with her shoulder-length brunette hair looking windblown from the walk home.  She stopped suddenly when she spotted the older woman in bed, a look of concern on her pretty face.  “Carol?  Are you ill?  Are you okay?” she asked, coming to sit on the side of the bed as she unbuttoned her coat.  She reached out and placed a cool hand on Carol’s warm forehead, then frowned in confusion.  “Well, you don’t feel too warm.” Carol thought she looked adorable, with her hair now standing on end from static electricity and those perfect, rosy lips of hers pursed in concentration.  “So, why are you in bed?”

 

     The older woman smiled somewhat dreamily, allowing herself to enjoy this moment of domestic tranquility.  She sensed Therese was in a good place emotionally and this brought a sense of immediate relief.  As the young woman rose to finish removing her mulberry-colored coat, Carol allowed herself the simple enjoyment of watching her.  She tossed the jacket on a chair rather haphazardly, and then began removing her work clothes.  _She looks so fine,_ Carol thought, pride filling her.  Clad in a gorgeous, form-fitting emerald green skirt and cream-colored, silk blouse with a black cardigan sweater, Therese was the epitome of the young professional.  But now she removed her clothing, throwing it all on the chair like a careless teenager anxious to get to her after-school phone calls, until she, too, stood before Carol in only her slip, her slender shoulders and bare arms making Carol think of a field of lilies, fresh and dewy after a spring rain.

 

     Therese shivered.  “It’s cold in here,” she observed as she came around to the other side of the bed.  Throwing back the covers, the young woman crawled to Carol’s side, and then promptly slid her arms around her waist, resting her head on Carol’s shoulder after pressing a gentle kiss into the graceful curve she’d found there.  “Mm, this feels lovely.  We should do this every day,” and her contentment and comfort lingered softly in the air. 

 

     Carol smiled, then kissed the top of Therese’s sweetly-scented, silky head.  “I couldn’t agree more, darling.  This would be so lovely every day after work.  But then we’d never eat dinner,” she noted wryly.  The smaller woman shifted slightly, burying herself even more deeply in Carol’s arms and chest.  “Oh, who cares about food!  We’ll get there eventually.  But tell me, Carol, what are you doing here?”

 

     “I was just changing when the phone rang, sweetheart.  I got chilled, so here I am.  And I think it feels wonderful, too!” She kissed the top of Therese’s head again, tightening her arms slightly.  “It was Elaine Hartsell calling.  I want to tell you about our conversation.”  Therese went momentarily still.  “Oh?  Is everything okay?” she asked with concern in her voice.

 

     “Yes, it’s fine darling.  But her older sister has to have surgery in a few weeks and Elaine is going to go to Maine to nurse her for a few days.  That’s why she was calling us.  She had a favor to ask.  She wanted to know if we’d be interested in house and…well, dog sitting, to be truthful.”

 

     Therese shot straight up, a smile breaking in a huge, happy wave across her face.  “ _Dog_ sitting?  Elaine has a dog now?  What kind?  When can we meet it?” Her emerald eyes were glistening like the woods after a soaking rain.  Carol spoke with some trepidation.  “Well, we can meet him soon, if we want to take care of him for a few days, Therese.  But I… I need to tell you Sparky apparently is not a little guy, and I’m not sure he’d be easy to care for, although Elaine seems to think he’s a breeze.  But…he weighs one hundred-thirty pounds, for heaven’s sake!  He sounds enormous, more like a pony than a dog!”

 

     Therese clapped her hands in excited delight.  “Oh, he’s a big little guy!  Ha!  He’s sounds huge, Carol!  Oh, how fun…I always wanted a huge dog back in my orphanage days.  This would be so fun!  Say yes!”  The older woman was astonished at Therese’s quick agreement and still felt much more cautiously optimistic about their ability to care for the huge pup.  “Darling, I think maybe we should consider this for a day or two.  Sparky is so big!  He weighs more than you! You could ride him around Long Island!”

 

     Therese laughed, a delicious, happy laugh, Carol thought, and then the younger woman shook her head dismissively.  “Oh, Carol!  How hard could it be?  Say yes!  So maybe I’ll ride him down the beach!  It will be so much fun!”  Her companion could tell there was absolutely no holding Therese back now.  She seemed lit from within, her inner fires stoked, a candle ablaze with beauty and passion and life.

 

     Carol’s eyelids felt very heavy all of a sudden, and a sensual awareness began making its way through her veins.  She gazed at Therese with longing, taking in her smooth, pale face, the alabaster column of her throat, the silky shoulders that she wanted to kiss right _there_.  Therese knew, she could tell in an instantaneous awareness, an unspoken understanding that darkened her eyes with emotion.  The younger woman looked back at Carol, an answering desire making her feel alive and desirous and strung as tightly as a string on a bow.

 

     But inexplicably, Carol shuddered, tears coming to her eyes as she trembled.  Therese noticed immediately, reaching out for Carol’s shoulder, which she touched lightly.  “Carol?  Are you okay?” she asked in a genuine, concerned voice.

 

     Carol shook her head, flustered.  It was not like her to feel as if she was losing control, or even to feel unsettled or frightened. _What is happening to me?_ she wondered, bringing a slender hand to her eyes and bowing her head.  “Carol?”  she heard again, and almost found herself surprised that it was her Therese sitting there, lovely, concerned, _solid_ somehow.

 

     She spoke in a shaky voice.  “I…I’m not sure, darling.  These feelings…it must be obvious I want you and yet at this moment I’m frightened for some reason.”  The younger woman almost cringed, and her face reflected a sense of regret.  “Can you tell me, Carol?  Do you know what you’re frightened of?”  Her companion shook her head slowly, as if pondering and finding only emptiness, and then suddenly it was as if a lightbulb was shining in her inner world, lighting some dark, endless passage.  She took a breath gratefully, as if she’s just emerged from that very same darkness, and smiled wistfully.

 

     “Please don’t take this the wrong way, darling, but I think I’m just having a reaction to the way you’ve been over the last couple months.  Not the way you are in this moment,” she murmured with an appreciative smile, “but the way you’ve been.  You’ve been so hot and cold. Accepting, then rejecting; open and then closed.  I never know which Therese I’m going to find when I come home, or when you do…I think I’m just feeling a little uncertain, off-balance right now.”

 

     A great wave of sadness almost overwhelmed the younger woman, tears coming to her deep green eyes, an uncomfortable tightness gripping her throat.  Determined, she pushed it away, looking at Carol directly and heaving out a huge, painful gasp.  This was about _Carol._  She spoke in a measured whisper.  “I know, love.  I know how I’ve been.  I’m _so sorry._ This must be so awful for you,” she considered, her eyes pained and apologetic.  But then she squared her bare, slender shoulders.  “This is about you, not me right now.  But I need to tell you something, okay?”  Seeing the older woman nod, Therese continued, taking a deep breath first.  “I’ve been to see a therapist, Carol.  Twice now,” she said, noting her companion’s raised eyebrows.  “I know you had an awful experience with it, but I’ve obviously been struggling, and it’s coming out on you.  I like her.  Her name is Sarah.  She’s smart, perceptive...it’s going to be helpful, I can just tell.”  Therese paused, her face drooping in a forlorn manner that made Carol want to kiss her cheeks.

 

     “You…us…” she waved a hand around the bedroom as if this explained everything, “it’s a trigger for me, Carol.  Being with a woman.  Not _you,_ so much, just not a man, you know?  I’m with a woman, and my deepest wounding came from a woman.”  She sighed, and tears came to her eyes again.  “I hate it, but I have this stuff to work through.  These ways I’m not _free to love,_ according to Sarah.  I told her about Alicia being my mother figure, and she said she’s probably thinking my being with you is the work of the Holy Spirit!”  Both women stopped to smile fondly, images of Alicia’s serene, cherubic face filling their internal screens.

 

     “But anyhow, Sarah has already given me some ideas of ways to cope…things I can work on so this… _imbalanced_ me, this _unpredictable_ me doesn’t come out.  Because I can see here…now…” she lifted a gentle hand to Carol’s soft, warm face, “it’s had its effects on you.  I’m _so sorry,_ love.  _So sorry._   It’s not intentional, please believe me. And it’s not about you, Carol.”  She hesitated then, but when she didn’t sense resistance coming from the other woman, Therese leaned closer, bringing her lips gently to the warm cheek she found, and putting their foreheads together.  Feeling their breaths begin to mingle, the younger woman smiled tenderly.  “I love you,” she whispered, “I love you so much.”

 

     _Mercy, mercy.  Kind and merciful.  Mercy, mercy, mercy…_ Carol felt overwhelmed and not sure if this was the time or place for making love.  But the depths of her feelings for Therese was showing itself, rising within her like a fire that was catching all the tinder it could find.  _Therese, Therese.  Mercy, mercy._   She could feel the warmth emanating from the young, wiry body, she could smell her unique fragrance, heated now on her own internal fires, she could see her emerald eyes, shimmering and almost black with desire.  The breath caught in Carol’s throat, and she brought her own lips to her lover’s soft cheek.  “Therese, honey,” she whispered haltingly, “I need to be with you, I need to love you, please, _love me_ …”

 

     Something exploded between the women then, something wild and indefinable, and there was no room for gentleness.  Their movements became frantic as they impatiently tugged at each other’s slips and hosiery, the blankets soon a tangled mess.  Therese had the unromantic image of a freight train thundering through her brain, gaining speed, gaining momentum, powerful and wild and free.  “Carol!”  she gasped, desperately bringing their naked bodies together.  “Oh, Carol!  Yes!  _I’ll love you!”_ she whispered almost harshly, feeling her heartbeat roaring in her ears.  Not surprisingly, tears began to course down her face as she took Carol’s lips with her own, plunging her tongue into the older woman’s mouth.  She felt the sobs on the edge of her awareness as their moist tongues met in a fierce, wild dance.  Soon she couldn’t help herself, and as she brought her lips to her lover’s smooth, hot neck Therese began to cry.  She reached for her breasts, squeezing them both, searching out the taut, hardened, rosy nipples.  When her lips closed down upon one, Carol cried out.  “Oh god, Therese…please, I can’t…please…” Her shapely hips moved suggestively against Therese’s mound, her movements restless and heated.  Still fondling Carol’s beautiful breasts, the younger woman shifted her body, moving between her long, slender legs and nudging them apart with her knees.  Her lips were everywhere, kissing and tonguing along Carol’s torso, and she felt a pair of hands on her head urging her down, down, the moans coming from the other woman threatening to bring Therese over the threshold of her own desires without ever being touched. 

 

     She pushed Carol’s legs apart, and the sight of her womanhood in full bloom, dewy and swollen, made her think now of roses.  _Roses!  Next summer I will photograph roses in the morning, pink and fragrant and damp and velvety._ She brought her lips to the tender folds and heard the other woman gasp, felt a shudder against her face, and she loved the heat, the taste, the hidden passages laid bare for her to explore, bringing the most delicious moans from somewhere deep within Carol’s chest.  Therese brought her fingers to those same folds and soon Carol’s hips moved in time with her moans, with her sighs.  “Therese…darling…oh, god…” There was a raw, sensuous, almost exotic hunger in her voice, and the younger woman thought she would go mad with desire.  When she felt the spasms begin, she held the older woman tightly against her, riding through the waves with her, knowing nothing on earth would convince her to let go.  “ _Jesus!”_ Carol collapsed against the pillows, breathless and perspiring, her blond hair in wild disarray and her face and upper body stained with the pink flush of arousal.  “Oh!  Sweetheart, that was…you are…”

 

     But as Carol watched the slender young woman move unselfconsciously to lay beside her, her naked body so smooth and soft and almost vibrating with sexual tension, the words died on her lips.  In all her life, she’d perhaps never seen anything as lovely as Therese, who at the moment still wore a look of desire, arousal, and innocence like a silken gown Carol ached to touch.  She whispered, “You are simply stunning,” and then she brought her lips to the young woman’s forehead, taking a deep breath and breathing in her sweet, heated scent with closed eyes and a murmur.  It didn’t take long before Carol felt her own restless desire grow as a wave of awareness swept from her head down to her toes.  She pushed at Therese’s shoulder, nudging her onto her back even as she moved gracefully on top of her with a toss of her blond head.

 

     Therese felt her mouth go dry at the look in Carol’s eyes, as if the older woman could devour her inch by inch.  “Carol,” she whispered haltingly, barely finishing her words before the other woman’s lips came down upon hers, her tongue slipping easily into Therese’s mouth and finding her moist tongue unerringly.  Their kiss was deep and passionate, as if making love with their mouths, and Therese could feel the keen edge of her desire sweep through her body, causing her to tremble and shudder against Carol’s warm, long, naked form.  She felt fingers pinch her nipple and she moaned loudly, her hips and legs moving restlessly in the bedclothes.  When Carol took a wet nipple into her mouth and began to suck, Therese moaned again, louder this time.  “Carol, please…” she gasped breathlessly.  “Ahh…”

 

     Carol gloried in the sounds Therese made, and they sharpened the edge of her own desires.  She continued to pleasure the young woman’s breasts with her lips and fingers while one hand inched smoothly down her flat abdomen until she reached the damp curls of her mound and the dark, wet, mysterious folds beneath.  As her fingers sank into the moistness there, Carol groaned.  “Therese, sweetie, you’re so ready…” she breathed out heavily, glancing down at the young woman’s face, which held a look of deep, mindless pleasure, her cheeks flushed crimson, her eyes closed, her dark hair clinging to the perspiration on her forehead.

 

     Carol kissed her way down Therese’s torso, the heated skin like liquid ivory beneath her seeking mouth.  “Carol,” the younger woman whispered restlessly, her slender hips gyrating suggestively, her movements instinctive and free.  “Please, Carol…please…”  Carol kissed her inner thighs, her seductive tongue causing Therese to gasp, and gasp again.  When she felt it enter the deep recesses of her center, the tears came again, unbidden and unstoppable.  She was overwhelmed with lust and longing and love, and when she felt Carol’s fingers begin to move inside her, a sob of joy escaped her and her lungs felt robbed of air.  “Oh, god…oh my…Carol.  Please, please don’t stop!” she whispered brokenly, unable to catch her breath as she began to move with more fervor.  It wasn’t long before Carol felt the shudder that seemed to rocket through the young woman’s slender form, the spasms that shook her entire body, and she held her securely and lovingly.

 

     When finally the movements stilled, the older woman took Therese into her arms, holding their damp bodies together gently.  Unable to speak, Therese kept her eyes closed as she enjoyed her lover’s warm, fragrant skin, the points of their bodies aligning like planets before the sun.  “Mm…” she hummed, her happiness needing a voice.  “Mm…”  She felt Carol smile against her forehead.  “Mm, what?” Carol asked.

 

     “Oh, just ‘Mm,’ as in you are so soft and warm and sexy and I can’t believe I get to be here with you, I get to touch you,” Therese murmured softly and with a contented sigh, “and I feel so thankful at this moment, Carol, so very blessed…”  Her voice faded as she brought her lips to the sweet, warm alcove where the older woman’s arm met shoulder, taking a deep, shuddering breath.  With gentle fingertips, Therese stroked Carol’s shapely hip, following its contours down to a slender thigh, and then back up again.  _Deo gracias, Deo gracias._  The simple prayer of thanks found its way to Therese’s heart, surprising and moving her deeply.  Tears sprang to her closed eyes and soon spilled out the corners, running down her cheeks in glistening rivulets.

 

     Noticing, Carol lifted a hand, her thumb wiping at the tears with tenderness.  “Hey…darling, why the tears?” she asked, her voice quiet and deep.  Therese shook her head, then opened her eyes, their green depths shimmering, and Carol thought of a pond in the forest with deep, clear, refreshing water she’d like to swim in.

 

     “I’m just so sorry about the way I’ve been,” the younger woman softly replied.  “It’s not you, Carol.  Sarah said I should make sure you know that… It’s not about when you left me.  I’ve moved on from that.”  There was a certainty in her clear voice that Carol found calming.  “It’s my mother,” she stated flatly.  “Just another layer of healing, according to Sarah.  Well, and Alicia, too.”  She stopped, looking intently into her lover’s eyes.  “Can you believe that, can you believe me?”  When Carol nodded, Therese expelled a thankful breath, shifting slightly to kiss her silken cheek, and then shook her head, the brunette hair falling across her face.  “God, I’ve been such a piece of work lately!  But I can just tell it’s going to get better, especially since now I can look forward to going to the beach and playing with Sparky!”

 

        Carol sat up abruptly.  “Sparky!” she exclaimed.  “I completely forgot about Sparky!”  She shook her head, her doubts clearly evident.  “I don’t know about this, Therese.  I want to help Elaine out, I really do.  But her house is one thing.  This dog… _Sparky!_   He sounds huge, and we have no dog watching experience.  What if we can’t handle him?” she asked, almost to herself.

 

     Therese sat up too now, laughing with delight.  “Oh, come on, Carol!” she replied somewhat dismissively.  “How hard can it be?  We feed him.  We walk him.  Or maybe I ride him!” she stated impishly.  “He’ll lie around with us while we read.  It’ll be so fun!  I can’t wait!” 

 

     Therese grinned hugely, and Carol couldn’t help but smile back, a wave of deep, warm feeling coming over her.  How was it, she thought, that this woman she loved still had this child-like innocence and love of adventure, this openness to life and people and experiences?  How did this spirit even survive inside her, despite the abandonment, the orphanage, the cold, hard life, the years of making it in New York and doing so _alone,_ with no one to love her or hold her hand?  How was this even possible?  How did her spirit rise above, stay alive, remain so utterly _beautiful?_ It astonished Carol, and in the moment made her feel thankful, humbled, and awed.She reached for Therese, pulling her small body into her arms firmly.

_Mercy, mercy, mercy.  The Lord is kind and merciful._

 

     “Do you know what, darling?” she asked with a chin on her warm shoulder, “you’re absolutely right!  It _will_ be an adventure!  I’ll call Elaine and say yes!”

_Mercy, mercy, mercy._

 

 

  1. 6



 

     “Good, Alicia!  Okay now, listen closely…do you feel the engine grinding a little bit?  That’s the sound.  So, push the clutch in and shift into second,” Carol calmly instructed.  Glancing sideways, she watched Alicia competently do so, accelerating slightly now that she was in a higher gear.  As the big Packard moved smoothly along the deserted country road, Alicia looked at Carol briefly and smiled.  With her eyes back on the road, she asked, “Do you think I’m finally getting the right idea about this?”

 

     Nodding, Carol replied, “Definitely!  It’s going so much more smoothly than the first two lessons, and here we are on the road, too.  Move into third now… Great, Alicia!  That was perfect!  Oh, I’m so glad.  All of a sudden, it seems to be clicking for you.”

 

     Alicia laughed.  “All those notes you wrote helped, Carol.  I read, and studied the diagrams, and I’ve been praying for the guidance of the Holy Spirit before, during, and after our lessons.  I’ve felt much calmer,” she said, enjoying the breeze that blew gently through the windows, opened slightly on this sunny but chilly November afternoon.  The fields all around them had been harvested, and the bucolic scene seemed to speak of labors well done and hard-earned rest.  The sensation suddenly washed over Alicia, and she pulled the big Packard smoothly to the side of the road, its tires kicking up plumes of dust as they crunched the gravel beneath them.

 

     Alicia took a deep breath, releasing it with an audible sense of relief.  “Carol, darling, I’ve done all I can do for today,” she commented, and Carol thought her pleasant smile and pink cheeks were like a crescent moon glowing in a sunset sky.  She returned the nun’s smile with an understanding nod.  “Okay!  Well done, Alicia!  I give you an A-plus-plus!” The two women shared a laugh as they got out of the car to change places.  Alicia noticed her limp was less pronounced, as was the pain it caused her.  For some reason she didn’t quite understand, driving was good physical therapy for her.  She felt younger, stronger, and more in control, and for these things she was thankful.

 

     As her lovely companion drove, Alicia absentmindedly admired her beautifully manicured hands, placed so confidently on the steering wheel.  Carol had been so generous with her time and patience, and Alicia was very grateful to her.  “You know, I can’t thank you enough, Carol.  You’ve been so gracious in teaching me, and I know it hasn’t been easy… I’m not quite there yet, I know.  But maybe a few more lessons and I’ll be set to drive around Albany.  What do you think?”

 

     Carol glanced briefly sideways, her smile reflected in her blue-gray eyes as she nodded.  “I think you’re right on target.  It’s getting easier for you, more comfortable to drive.  I think it would be good, Alicia, if the first time you got behind the wheel alone you weren’t feeling afraid.”

 

     The nun smiled placidly.  “I’m never alone, Carol.  The Lord is with me, the Spirit is inside me… It will be okay!  I may be afraid, and that will be okay, too.  I fully intend to invite the Spirit to hold the wheel!”

 

     The metaphor was not lost on Carol… _let the Spirit have the steering wheel…_ and she shook her head in wonder, knowing there was no way in hell she could do any such thing, with driving or any other venture in her life.  “How do you do it, Alicia?” she asked, her voice genuinely interested.  “How do you believe so much, have such faith?  It seems so beautiful to me, and yet so impossible to do.  I can’t even sort through whether I think there’s a God,” she admitted honestly, “and you…not only believe, but turn your life over…”  They were pulling into the parking lot of Pace de Christo now, and Carol guided the Packard smoothly into a space where it wouldn’t be so far for Alicia to walk to her room.  She put the car in park and glanced over at Alicia, aware of the power she was giving the plump yet little Franciscan nun, who sat there calmly gazing out at the convent’s beautiful, peaceful grounds as if she had not a care in the world.

 

     Alicia turned to look at Carol, her black and white habit swinging gracefully around her shoulders, her full, smooth-skinned face reflecting kindness, strength, and understanding.  She reached over and clasped the other woman’s hand warmly.  “Carol, dear,” she replied, her voice soft but firm, “I didn’t always feel this way.  For years I was lost in my faith, whether I was a nun or not.  The bottom fell away for me during the war…I couldn’t find God anywhere.  I don’t need to bore you with all the details.    Suffice it to say it was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me.  And that it was through grace, and maybe grace alone, that I found my Lord, my Beloved, _inside_ me.”  She paused and looked out over the gardens outside the car’s window, strewn now in mid-November with a carpet of crisp, brown leaves awaiting the gardener’s rake.

 

    Releasing Carol’s hand, she said, “I opened a door.  Surrendered it all…all of me… It makes all the difference in the world, you know, when one’s heart becomes joined with the heart of the Beloved, when you turn yourself over to that great Love.  That kind of love transforms you spiritually…one must live it to know it.”  She smiled, glowing with an inner light that Carol found stunning and mysterious.  “You can know the same love, Carol.  Just pray for a path, whether you know who you’re praying to or not.  Pray for the grace to be guided.  For sure you will receive it!”  She stopped and reached into the pocket of her black tunic, withdrawing an envelope.

 

     “Now, I know you need to get on your way.  I want you home before darkness sets in.”  Alicia caught Carol’s eye, her look serious all of a sudden.  “Carol, dear, I need you to give this to Therese.  She’s expecting it, asked me for this several weeks ago but it’s taken this old body some time to find the energy to go in search of!”

 

     Carol took the smooth, white business envelope, noting its slight weight, and turning it around in her hands.  “Do I need to know what this is?”  Alicia nodded firmly and unequivocally.  “Yes, dear!  It’s important.  These are a few pictures I found.  Therese asked me to look…they’re pictures of her at St. Agatha’s.  Three of them.”  Carol’s eyes widened, and she felt alarm flutter in her breast.  “She can tell you about them if she wants, but she’s never seen these, Carol.  Never seen herself as a youngster…”  She stopped to look at the elegant blond woman, noting the alarm that shadowed her eyes, the silver specks against the darkened blue-gray, like the ocean at dusk, or after a storm, she thought.

 

     “I don’t know how Therese will react to these.  But I want you to offer to be with her when she opens this, okay?”  Alicia continued without waiting for an answer.  “For you to be near may be just the support she needs, Carol.  And I…I’d love to see her greet this child with wonder and joy, with self-compassion.  It’s important to her healing process at this point.”

 

     Carol was subdued, but very present, very near.  She held the envelope with reverence.  “Of course, I’ll offer to be with her, Alicia.  Therese as a child…oh, my…I would love to meet her!”

 

                                              __________________________________________

 

     She could feel fatigue beginning to seep into her bones, and as she grabbed her briefcase and purse from the passenger seat and turned to lock the car, Carol also felt the ache in her lower back.  All the driving—to Albany and back—in one day left her feeling stiff, cold, and longing for a warm bath. She clomped across the pavement, the November air damp and chilly on her face, and the warm blast from the heated lobby as she walked into the apartment building was a welcome relief, a comforting respite.

 

     Her thoughts were distracted as she thought of the envelope in her purse holding the pictures of the young Therese.  If truth be told her fingers had itched to open it the whole way home.  She wasn’t too proud to admit that, and now, as she lay her head against the wall of the elevator as it began its creaky climb, Carol thought she would lose her mind if Therese didn’t want to open it tonight, preferably soon, maybe the moment it was handed to her.

 

     _I want to see her, to lay eyes on her, this little Therese!_ Carol was excited, and the anticipation she felt seemed to reverberate now, giving a jolt to her weary body.  She closed her eyes and smiled.  _Therese._ How she loved the young woman!  She wished she knew how she would react to receiving the pictures.  Would she be excited?  Could she look at herself as a young child and feel love, feel compassion for herself as Alicia suggested was so important, so healing?  And how will I handle it if Therese has a negative reaction?  The thought made her clench her jaw, and as she shuffled off the elevator and down the short hallway to her door, Carol took a deep, steadying breath.  A surprising thought came to her as she inserted the key into the lock:  _Spirit within, be with us._ She smiled faintly to herself, thoughts of Alicia bringing her strength and comfort.

 

     As soon as she opened the door, Therese was walking over with a tired but sweet smile on her face, her footsteps whispering across the plush carpeting.  “Carol!  I’m so glad you’re home!  You must be exhausted.  Let me help you,” she said, taking the taller woman’s briefcase and purse and putting them aside.  “Here, give me that.”  As she reached out a hand for Carol’s navy pea coat, they made eye contact, and Therese felt the impact of their wordless communication, a deep gratitude for the almost unbearable beauty of their communion.  She stood on her toes and placed a kiss on Carol’s soft, cool cheek, breathing in the fresh, bracing scent of the cold November evening that still lingered.  “Mm…you smell nice.  It’s so good to see you.  Go change, Carol.  I’ve made us some soup.”

 

     Carol smiled appreciatively and brought a hand up to cup Therese’s cheek.  “It’s good to see you, too.  How blessed we are, Therese!” she whispered sincerely.  As she turned for the bedroom, she heard Therese say, “Ah, blessings!  I can tell you’ve been hanging out with Alicia!”

 

     Over Therese’s delicious beef and vegetable soup with fresh, crusty bread and sweet butter, the two women chatted amicably about the day, especially Alicia’s driving lessons.  Therese was pleased to learn of the nun’s progress, noting with relief that her anxiety about the venture had decreased considerably.

 

     Sitting back in her seat and dabbing at the corner of her mouth with a napkin, Therese asked, “How much longer until she can drive independently, Carol?  How many more lessons do you think she needs?”

 

     “Hmm…maybe two or three.  We haven’t tried going backwards yet!  She’ll have to master reversing, especially with parking.  But she’s getting there.  After our very bumpy beginning, Alicia has proved to be quite competent behind the wheel.  And Therese,” Carol noted, leaning back in her chair with a satisfied sigh, “she has a love for adventure, an excitement and joy about this that’s infectious!  She’s such a conundrum, like the world’s wisest woman in the body of an old child…or something like that.”  They both smiled in understanding, and then Carol took a deep breath and said, “I have something…Alicia gave me something for you, darling.”

 

     Therese looked at her curiously, her emerald eyes bright and expectant.  Toying with her napkin, she replied, “Did she find a picture?”  Seeing Carol’s nod, the younger woman took a deep breath, then released it with an audible sigh.  She immediately began chewing on her lower lip.  “Did she…have you seen it?”

 

     Sensing Therese’s tension, Carol rose from her seat and came smoothly around the kitchen table, sitting in the extra chair and pulling it close to her young lover.  She reached over to take her hand and smiled kindly, her blue-gray eyes gentle, her curls framing her exquisite loveliness in waves of gold.  Without hesitation she replied, “No darling, I didn’t look at it.  It’s in a sealed envelope, for you to lay eyes on first, wherever and whenever you want to.  Okay?”  Therese nodded and Carol continued, “Alicia did suggest that perhaps I might want to be with you, but that’s all up to you, Therese.  I’ll do whatever you want me to, but I would think you’d know that already.”

 

     Therese smiled faintly and when she spoke it was in a soft voice.  “Yes, of course.  I’ve been waiting for this…hoping Alicia could find a picture.  We talked about this several weeks back.  She had some ideas for me, some suggestions in terms of my healing.”  Smiling bravely, the young woman said, “I’d like to see the picture now, Carol.  And please, stay with me.”

 

     A wave of love swept through the older woman’s body from head to foot, almost immobilizing her with its power and breadth.  _How could someone so tiny be so absolutely courageous?_  Smiling, she replied, “One minute, sweetheart.”  She went to gather her purse, withdrawing the envelope and coming back into the kitchen briefly.  “Come sit down with me, okay?  Let’s sit on the sofa where we can be comfortable.” 

 

     When the two women, both in bathrobes and slippers, were settled on the plump cushions, Carol handed Therese the envelope with a gentle smile.   _Spirit within, be with us,_ she thought again.  She felt like perhaps she was channeling Alicia. “There you go, sweetheart.”  Therese accepted it and returned the smile somewhat hesitantly.  But then the slender young woman confidently slid a fingernail under the flap and peered inside.  She looked surprised, Carol thought, but then withdrew three pictures, holding them between her fingers with what may have been awe, or perhaps wonder.  She looked up.  “It seems so odd, Carol.  Who gets to be this old and has never seen a picture of themselves?”  It was clearly a rhetorical question, and the other woman stayed silent, allowing Therese the space and privacy to take her very first glimpse of herself as a child.

 

     Therese gazed at the first photo she’d taken from the envelope, her deep green eyes wide and curious.  Carol watched her run a finger gently over the photo, clearly tracing the image before her eyes. Then the dark-haired woman raised her lovely, pale face.  “I don’t seem to be ugly or anything…” she commented, her voice quivering slightly.  She handed the picture over to Carol, whose heart felt seized by a shaft of pain so intense it took her breath away.  She swallowed the lump in her throat but was helpless to stop the tears that rushed from her eyes and down her face.  Reaching over, she simply squeezed Therese’s hand gently because she didn’t have words to say.  To think that Therese had feared her mother would turn her over to orphanage care because she was an unattractive child was abhorrent…

 

     Looking for the first time at the photo, Carol saw a tiny girl, perhaps four or five years’ old.  She was very skinny, with a mop of brown hair that spilled in unruly fashion about her small head.  She wore a drab-looking dress and scuffed white shoes, and her smile was bright and mischievous.  Carol ran a finger lightly over the faded black-and-white photo with the turned-up edges.  _Therese, little Therese!  I’m so_ _happy to meet you, darling!_ So enthralled was she in tracing the soiled spots on the child’s dress that she didn’t hear Therese’s voice, which eventually penetrating the thick atmosphere that had seemed to suck her back to another time, another place.

 

     “Carol?  Carol?  I…are you okay?  Was I okay?  What do you think?  Was I ugly?  Would you have liked the looks of me?”  The younger woman’ voice was both hesitant and rushed, and it didn’t take a swami for her companion to pick up on the anxiety she heard.  Now, she leaned over, reaching out to put a gentle hand on Therese’s smooth, unlined cheek.  Bringing her lips to the shell of her ear, she whispered, _“Therese, darling, you were more than okay!  You were lovely!  An absolutely beautiful child!  Look at you, just look!”_ Carol sniffled and hiccupped, and her tears ran unheeded into the corners of her mouth, leaving their salty remnants on her lips.  _Oh, my heart, my heart.  I love this woman and I miss_ _my Rindy!_ She caught her breath, willing the pain to leave.

 

     Therese smiled, bright and lovely and open, and Carol could still see the echo of the beautiful child she was.  “Well, I guess I was maybe…cute?  I look a mess, but Alicia said I was a tomboy who could never keep clean.”  She laughed, an energetic, somehow clean and shiny laugh, like the first birdsong on a joyous spring morning.  “Look at my dress!  It’s a mess, isn’t it?”  Shaking her head, Therese ran a finger over her little form, a tender smile on her face.  “I’m glad I wasn’t terrible looking, Carol.  I always wondered if that’s why I got passed over…”  Her voice faded softly away.  “But I guess…except that I look completely disheveled, maybe I look like Rindy would, right?”

 

     Carol’s heart clenched with such deep emotion, she practically yanked the younger woman across the small space between them, enveloping her in a crushing hug.  “Therese!  You were a beautiful child, honey!  _There was never anything wrong with you!  Never!_ And even children born with deformities are beautiful and deserving of a mother’s love!  _This was always about your mother, sweetheart!”_  The older woman began covering Therese’s face with kisses, quick, almost frantic kisses accompanied by her passionate “Muah! Muah!  Muah!” and the sound of her lips smacking against her cheeks.  “ _Oh, how can I convince you?”_   Therese giggled and squirmed.  “Carol!  Oh my gosh, okay, okay!  I’ll work on believing you!”  She laughed again, and it was genuine laughter, joyous and free, bringing a happy smile to Carol’s face.

 

     “ _Jesus!”_   Carol exclaimed, “I’m perspiring!”

 

     Another peal of laughter rang out of the younger woman.  “I am, too.  This is nerve-wrecking, in a way.  Whew!  But let’s look at the other pictures, okay?”  And so they did, a beautiful brunette head up against a beautiful blond head, gazing at the photographs in wonder and gratitude.  There was a picture of a slightly older, school-aged Therese, in her plaid St. Agatha’s school uniform.  She stood looking up at what was definitely a much younger, somewhat slimmer Sr. Alicia, with black curls peeking out from her habit, her round cheeks full, her smile infectious, her tunic long and her feet clad in sandals.  The nun’s arm held Therese to her side, and the obvious adoration in the child’s eyes was breathtaking.

 

     Finally, there was a picture of an even older Therese, perhaps at 10 or 11.  She was wearing a somewhat rumpled skirt and light-colored blouse, which had come untucked from her waistband.  The sneakers on her feet appeared well worn, and her knees looked knobby and dark peeking out from beneath the skirt.  Beside her stood a young boy of perhaps the same age.  He looked just as thin, almost frail.  His light hair was almost shockingly curly, his smile impish on his thin, angular face that bore dimples that looked carved by a master.  He stood awkwardly next to Therese, and both children smiled at the camera as if they had not a care in the world.  _Soulmates._ Carol was startled to hear the word whisper its way into her consciousness.  The two children looked as if they breathed the same breath.

 

     Beside her, she heard a gasp.  And then Therese lost her composure as she brought a reverent finger up to the picture, tracing the form of the young boy as if touching her own newborn child.  Tears sprang from her shining emerald eyes and spilled unheeded down her cheeks, pink now with feeling and memory and pain.  “Billy!” she cried brokenly.  “Oh, Carol, it’s Billy!”  Sobs began to rack her slender frame, her shoulders shaking and chest heaving.  “Carol!  _He was my friend!”_ The emotion was so raw in Therese’s voice that Carol could not stop the fresh tears from reaching her own eyes, and the physical pain that pierced her solar plexus.  She held Therese tightly, rocking her gently and murmuring quiet, soothing sounds, melodic and rhythmic and yet completely without meaning.  _Therese, Therese, you_ _were way too young to lose so very much!_

 

     The younger woman cried until she her tears were spent, and her companion rocked her the entire time, never saying a word and yet her steady presence said more than words ever could.  Finally, Therese pulled herself out of Carol’s embrace.  She squared her shoulders, and the act seemed to help her find the resolve she had always relied upon to see her through her many losses.  She looked again at the picture of herself and Billy, running a finger around its scalloped edges, her dark head tilted to the side and an almost whimsical look on her face.  Her rosy lips quirked once, then again, and she looked at Carol while shaking her head.

 

     “Carol?”

 

     Smiling, the older woman replied, “Yes, sweetheart?”

 

     “Billy and I got into so much trouble all the time.  We were _so bad_!”  Then her lovely face broke into a huge grin, and she laughed with absolute delight.

 

                                  _________________________________________________

 

     When morning rolled around, the two women were almost completely prepared to leave for their dog-sitting trip out to Elaine’s on Long Island.  They had stayed up late the previous evening, even in their emotionally exhausted state, and organized, packed, and cleaned like mad women, determined to be ready to leave bright and early. 

 

     Now, Carol took a last look around the apartment, hoping she wasn’t overlooking something imperative.  It was unusually quiet, and she wondered absentmindedly where Therese at gone to as she wandered from room to room with a list clicking in her brain like digits on a cash register.  Rounding the corner out of the kitchen, she found the slender brunette sitting still in a corner of the dining room table, with the three pictures from Alicia lined up in front of her.  Carol came to an abrupt halt, not wanting to intrude on her private moment, but Therese raised her head when she heard movement.  In a clear, honest voice, the younger woman stated, “I can’t…I don’t want to leave her…to leave these behind, Carol.”

 

     With an understanding smile, the tall, slender blond came and sat next to Therese, taking her hand gently.  Bringing it to her lips, she kissed the back, then brought her other hand up and swept a stray lock of brunette hair behind a perfectly sculpted ear.  In her deep, husky voice, Carol replied, “I wouldn’t want you to, sweetheart.  Nor should you!  You’ve just met that little girl for the first time.  Neither of you need to be apart from one another.  She needs to be safe, protected, and loved, with you…with us.  Don’t you agree?”

 

     Seeing Therese nod, a smiling Carol continued, “Besides, I think she also deserves to have some fun at the beach, even if it is freezing cold there now!”  She tilted her head so that a wave of golden blond curls cascaded softly upon her cheek, her blue-gray eyes shimmering gently in the early morning light.  “So!  You’ll bring your pictures, and the child in your heart, too.  And she will have dinner with us, and splash in the waves even though it is cold.  She can hunt for shells and watch the sunset and walk in the woods, too.  And most of all she can help _you_ take care of Sparky, because I’m not feeling all that confident about my abilities to care for a dog as big as a pony!”

 

     Therese’s face lit up, breaking into a smile so big Carol could have sworn the young woman’s dimples reached the corners of her brightly shining, deep green eyes.  “ _Sparky!”_ she exclaimed.  “Sparky!  Oh, I can’t wait to meet him!”  She bolted upright as she gathered the pictures tenderly.  “Yes!  I’m bringing these along.  I can’t leave her.  Now hurry up, Carol, Sparky’s waiting for us!  It’s time to go!”

 

CH.7

 

     At 6 a.m. the next morning, Alicia walked almost soundlessly through the hallways of Pace de Christo’s residence area on her way to the chapel.  She used her cane and grimaced at the pain screeching from her arthritic hip joint.  Mornings were always the worst, and it was cold now.  November’s frost seemed to have seeped into her bones and for a second she regretted not bringing a hot water bottle. 

 

     But as soon as she entered the chapel, Alicia’s focus changed dramatically, and blessedly, she thought.  She paused as she dipped her fingers in the holy water and then made the sign of the cross.  Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of incense, beeswax, and pine.  It was quiet and hushed here, the only sounds coming from the creaks of the radiators and the mysterious shifting of the wooden floorboards beneath the burgundy-colored carpet as she made her way to a pew.

 

     This was a simple chapel.  An altar.  A cross.  Chairs and pews.  A rack of votive candles.  Small stacks of hymnals, and a carved wooden statue of Francis of Assisi, wearing a belted tunic and sandals, with an outstretched hand cradling a bird.  Alicia loved the simplicity, the lack of icons or other things to look at.  Here it all seemed to fall away for her, the distractions of life, the responsibilities, demands, other people…even religion. Here she felt freer, and when she walked through the door she gave herself permission to let everything else fall away except her relationship with the Lord.  Time with her Divine Beloved, the eternal friend of her heart.

 

     On this cold November morning, the little nun sat gazing at the altar for a while, and then she closed her eyes, focusing with thanks on her calm, slow breaths flowing in and out. She was very quiet and still and a small smile played on her lips as she allowed herself to be irresistibly drawn toward the love of the Divine.  She would stay right here, looking at God and allowing God to look back at her.  She lifted her face unconsciously, like a flower turning toward the sun.  _See me, Lord, and show me what I need to see.  Open me, expose me, inform me.  Heal me as **you** know I need to be healed.  And heal all others,_ _too…_

Unbidden, a verse floated into her consciousness: _He will quiet you with His love._ Alicia sat peacefully, allowing herself to be quieted for a long time, whispering words of thanks.

 

                                          ___________________________________________

 

     It was close to 11 a.m. by the time Carol and Therese finally pulled into the driveway of Elaine’s Long Island cottage.  They had left Manhattan at 7 a.m. in efforts to beat morning rush hour traffic.  This was after having made several trips up and down the elevator, lugging suitcases, briefcases, a large duffel bag, a shopping bag containing homemade banana bread and a bouquet of fresh flowers for Elaine, and a bag of bones from the butcher, which Therese had insisted they bring for Sparky.

 

     Carol sighed with relief as she put the large Packard in park, looking over at Therese fondly.  The trip had been fun and adventurous, even if they were only going to Long Island, and brought back memories of another trip, another time for both women.  Now, seeing Therese’s uncontainable excitement, her glowing emerald eyes, flushed cheeks, and dewy red lips, Carol had a powerful urge to pounce on the young woman, scoop her into her arms, and kiss her senseless.  It amused her to admit that Therese’s irresistibly excited, alluring look had nothing to do with herself, but the promise of meeting a dog.  A one hundred thirty-pound lump of a dog!

 

     As if speaking her thoughts, Therese looked over at Carol with a huge smile and said, “I am _so, so_ _excited_ to meet Sparky!  I’d better remember to greet Elaine first!”  She laughed, her tone wry and self-deprecating.  Then she fluttered her eyes elaborately at Carol.  “And don’t worry, Carol…I still only have eyes for you!”  The blond woman threw back her head and laughed just as the side screen door of the cottage was thrown open and Elaine Hartsell came out, her silver hair and blue parka being blown about by the cold wind.

 

     “Carol!  Therese!  Welcome!” she shouted pleasantly, waving a hand in greeting.  She was a lovely woman, of medium height and build, with sparkling blue eyes and a pretty, heart-shaped face.  She wore gray wool slacks made for traveling, and a thick black sweater that contrasted with her hair and eyes in startling fashion.  Reaching the car, she paused to allow the two travelers to emerge and cross the short distance between them, and then all three women were exchanging hugs and kisses on the cheek.  “Oh, it’s so good to see you!” was repeated several times, and smiles were warm and genuine.

 

     “Come in, come in, before we all freeze out here!  But let’s bring your things in first,” she directed in a   somewhat commanding voice, and it was easy to hear the former school teacher emerge.  Therese had to contain herself, for she couldn’t have cared less, at the moment, about dragging the suitcases in.  Carol caught her eye and had to try not to laugh out loud at the frustration on the young woman’s face.  She looked like a child next to a Christmas tree, waiting for her parents to come downstairs so she could open her presents from Santa Claus.

 

     It took several trips, but finally their possessions were all inside the well-lit, cozily warm house, with its pale lavender walls and a fire burning in the fireplace.  It was as lovely as the women remembered from their visit with Alicia over Labor Day weekend.  Maggie and Elaine had managed to maintain an airy openness and yet warmth in their decorating choices, and the result invited peace and levity even on this overcast day.  Therese immediately spotted the very large, plaid dog bed which sat on the floor to the right of the fireplace, but there was no dog upon it.  She turned her head this way and that, her narrowed eyes in search of Sparky.  She had no interest in listening to Carol and Elaine prattle on about furniture and decorating choices, and was just about to ask his whereabouts when a loud, low “Woof!” was heard coming from the screened porch.

 

     Therese whipped her head around immediately and could just see the top of a very dark, very fury head and a pair of coal black eyes peering in through the window.  She gasped, clapping her hands together excitedly.  “Sparky!  Oh, can we meet him now?” she asked with a hurried glance at Elaine, completely oblivious to the look of alarm on Carol’s somewhat pale face.  “Is it okay?  Can I let him in?”

 

     Smiling broadly, Elaine replied, “Of course, Therese!  I just put him out there so the two of you could come in without his greeting, which can still be a bit rambunctious every now and then.”  Even before she had finished speaking, the young brunette had taken a few steps and flung open the door exuberantly.  She stood there, entranced for a moment, with a smile splaying across her face so joyously Elaine thought of a garden of brightly colored pansies on a gorgeous spring day.  “WOOF!” the dog said in a baritone bark.

 

     “Sparky!  Oh, you’re beautiful, boy!  Come here!” Therese invited in a hushed voice.  Sparky obeyed, entering the living room as if happy to be home after a long day of work, his large, fluffy, black tail wagging and his enormous black head moving jauntily from side to side.  Therese stepped closer to him, holding out the back of her hand for the dog to sniff.  “Can I pet him?” she asked without looking at Elaine.

 

     “Of course, dear, Sparky will love that!” she answered with a laugh.  She watched the slender young woman sink her hand into the fur at the back of his head, where it was seemingly engulfed by the thick, black mass.  “Oh, he’s so soft, so silky…and he’s so well-behaved…”  Then she stopped, perhaps for the first time taking stock of the sheer enormity of the animal, whose head was easily bigger than Therese’s and reached higher than her waist.  “And he’s just _huge_ , Elaine,” she observed with a quick look at Sparky’s owner, who was filled with delight that the dog had brought such a look of joy to Therese’s face.  “What kind of dog is he?” she asked, her hand never leaving his body, now stroking from the top of his head to the middle of his massive shoulders and then back again.

 

     Carol, who had so far stood gaping in astonishment, found her voice and answered with her own question.  “Is there such a thing as a Black Bear Breed?”  Her tone sounded wary, and she was so stunned she seemed completely unaware of the rather comical expression on her face and the way in which she slowly inched backwards as she spoke.  Sparky seemed to consider the sound of Carol’s voice an invitation, and he walked gamely over to the tall, beautiful blond woman and promptly put one of his enormous paws directly on top of her stylish brown boot.  Then he looked up at her with gentle, almost doleful eyes, his large pink tongue hanging out and a small wad of spittle tucked into the crook of his jowls.

 

     Carol was startled by his friendly overture and quite at a loss for what to do next.  “Oh…well…hi, dog…I mean…hello, Sparky,” she said in her husky voice, and so solemnly Therese burst out laughing, and Elaine tried not to.  Instead, the older woman coached gently, “It’s okay, Carol.  Sparky won’t hurt you, you know.  And I know he’s huge but he’s the very definition of ‘gentle giant.’  Hold out the back of your hand for him if you want.  He’ll sniff you.  It will help you both get to know each other.”

 

      Carol did as suggested, allowing the large beast to smell her beautifully manicured hand, the red lacquered fingernails making a stark contrast to his coal black nose.  The dog took a sniff or two, and then he ducked his head slightly so that it was under Carol’s hand.  Her eyes flew open wide, and she looked at the other two women in complete consternation.  “Oh…well…I’ve never…I guess you want me to pet you, don’t you?”” she asked hopefully, and then proceeded to stroke the back of his head tentatively.  “He is soft,” she murmured, and then was startled when Sparky almost collapsed against her legs, and directly on top of her boots.  “Oh! Is he…is this a good sign?”

 

     Elaine chuckled, and then snapped her fingers lightly.  “Yes, it definitely means he’s comfortable with you. Sparky, c’mon, up you get, you big beast!  Off Carol’s feet before you turn them into pretty pancakes,” she ordered firmly with another snap of her fingers.  The dog looked up at his master, almost as if hoping she would change her mind for a second, but then he lumbered rather gracefully to his feet for an animal of such size.  “Good boy, Sparky, good boy,” Elaine coached in a calm voice, “Okay, now go lay on your bed.”  He obeyed readily, and once he was on his bed he sat looking from one woman to another and then another, his eyes curious and expectant.

 

     Therese felt an intense yearning swell in her chest, one that she didn’t quite understand but willingly obeyed.  She walked over to Sparky, sitting beside him on her knees and throwing her slender arms around his neck.  “Sparky, I’m so very happy to meet you, boy!” She buried her face in the thick, fluffy mane of fur, her cheek brushing contentedly back and forth.  “We’re going to have so much fun!  We’re going to be such great friends!” she murmured tenderly, her eyes closed as she breathed in his scent.  She continued to whisper tender words to the hulk of a dog, who now laid his massive head in Therese’s lap with a soft grunt.  “Look at you!  Aren’t you beautiful?  Who would want to give you away?  It’s their loss, you know.  You’re so wonderful!”  She brought her face down so she could lay her forehead against Sparky’s, her fingertips massaging him gently behind his ears.  “Mm…it’s all okay now, Sparky.  Elaine gave you a home and Carol and I can love you, too, boy.” 

 

     Therese’s exchange with the dog was so tender and intimate that Carol felt tears come to her eyes and felt almost as if she was intruding on a very private exchange.  Elaine must have felt the same way, because Carol felt a tug at the sleeve of her sweater, and turned to see the silver-haired woman motioning toward the kitchen with her head.  The two older women walked quietly from the living room, leaving Therese contentedly on the floor next to Sparky, still whispering softly and stroking the hulking animal down the length of its spine.

 

     Once in the kitchen, Elaine spoke quietly, a gentle smile on her attractive face.  “Wow!  She’s got it bad for him, doesn’t she?  Both Sparky and I are so lucky the two of you can stay these few days.”  As she spoke, Elaine walked to a small table in the hallway off the kitchen where she picked up a notebook pad and brought it back to where Carol now sat relaxing, taking in the lovely, pale yellow walls and white accent pieces in the small space.  Out the window she could see the thick stand of evergreen trees that bordered the far edge of Elaine’s property, the foreground dark with damp, well-packed sand and shriveled brown leaves that skittered to and from in the brisk wind.  She remembered the peace of mind she’d felt on that September visit, the long stretches of shoreline and endless waves that lulled her into deeper breathing and slower walking.  She realized she’d missed it here and was very glad Therese had so readily agreed to this dog-sitting caper and had talked her into it, too.

 

     “Now then, Carol, let’s talk for just a bit.  The house upkeep will be nothing for the two of you so I haven’t written a single note about it.  But then there’s Sparky…”  And on she began to chatter, politely and graciously describing the dog’s schedule and habits, offering tips and do’s and don’ts at Carol’s request.  It was easy for Elaine to see whenever Carol’s eyes widened with alarm or misgiving, and at those times she offered reassurance and a sincere vote of confidence.  Carol was somewhat surprised that Therese did not wander in to join the conversation, but then her girlfriend was obviously smitten with Sparky and maybe could not tear herself away just yet.

 

     “So that’s it!  That’s everything I have to share, and I’ve written my sister’s name and phone number on the bottom of this list and would hope you’d call me with _any_ questions at _any_ point while I’m gone.   Do you have any questions now, Carol?” Elaine asked in her pleasant, evenly-paced tone.

 

     The other woman shook her head in denial, except to ask, “Sparky…what breed is he, anyhow?  I was only half kidding in wondering if he might be part black bear!”  She laughed lightly, but there was still a lingering sense of self-doubt and concern in Carol’s voice.

 

     Elaine smiled in reassurance.  “He’s a Newfie, Carol.  A Newfoundland.  One of the largest and friendliest breeds of dog you’ll find anywhere.  I really think you and Therese are going to get attached before you know it!”  She paused, cocking an ear toward the living room, then looking at Carol quizzically.  “What do you think she’s up to?”

 

     Shaking her head, the tall blond got to her feet.  “I have no idea, let’s go see…”  In three long strides,  she was around the corner, her eyes looking toward the dog’s bed.  Carol stopped then, her heart clenching with a deep well of emotion.  Because Sparky was just where she’d last seen him, on his bed, except that now he lay on his side, fast asleep next to the warm fire which crackled and hissed in an almost hypnotic way in the fireplace.  Next to him lay Therese, her brunette head near Sparky’s on the pillowed bed, the fire casting the aura of its glowing, red-orange flames upon her flawless, pale skin as she slept peacefully.

 

     Elaine stopped next to Carol and hummed, a warm sound which conveyed her emotion.  “Oh, my... just look at the two of them,” she observed in a soft voice, “Sparky is probably in his glory!  She is just so lovely, you know.”

 

     Not taking her eyes from the scene in front of her, Carol answered, “Yes, she is.  And I would do anything for her, Elaine.  I’d even get a dog, though the mere thought kind of makes me shudder.”  She looked at Elaine then, a warm smile on her face.  “And yes, she is beautiful, inside and out.  I love her so much it makes me crazy.”

 

     Elaine squeezed her shoulder gently.  “It was like that with me and Maggie.  This deep, deep love…it never faded, Carol, right up until the day she died.”  She sighed, and her voice sounded sad.  “It still hasn’t.  It’s a rare blessing, dear.  Cherish and treat your relationship with kindness.  Not everyone gets this blessing.”

 

     Gazing at her lover huddled and sleeping with this great hulk of a dog, Carol whispered, “Oh, I know.  I really know.”

 

                                _____________________________________________________

 

     “How are we ever going to dry him?” Carol asked, her tone indicated grave doubt.  Therese turned around with a confused look on her face.

 

     “What do you mean, Carol?  We’ll dry him with all those old towels Elaine showed you.  That’s what she does, right?”  She turned back to take another look at Sparky, who was seemingly having the time of his life barking at the incoming waves and splashing in the water along the ocean’s shore.  Every now and then he’d get extra excited and chase after a receding wave, woofing low and rambunctiously.  Turning around again, she smiled at the older woman, who sat huddled beneath a wool blanket in a beach chair, her blond hair peeking out from under a blue ski cap, her cheeks stained red with cold.  Walking over, Therese leaned down and brought her lips to Carol’s cold cheek, kissing her quickly and inhaling her pleasing scent.  “It will be fine, you’ll see.  And I can do it myself, you know.  I’m the one who wanted to give him time in the water.”

 

     Watching the big, black dog, dripping now with frigid ocean water, Carol shivered involuntarily.  “Br-r!  Why anyone would want to get in the water now is beyond me!  Don’t you think he’s cold?”  Therese laughed, shaking her head.  She turned back around just as Sparky began to jog in their direction.  He stopped about ten or so feet away, planted his dripping front paws in the damp sand, and gave a mighty shake, and then another and another, until much of the loose water had been catapulted from his fur.

 

     Therese clapped.  “Good boy, Sparky!  And what a gentleman you are!  You didn’t even shake on us!”  As if he knew he was being complimented, the dog walked over to the slender young woman and sat on his haunches in front of her, looking up with those big dark eyes.  She pulled a hand out of her glove and brought it to the top of his wet head, petting gently and with affection.  “Good boy, yes, you’re such a good boy.”  Looking at Carol, who sat watching the pair with obvious affection on her face, she asked, “Don’t you think he’s a good boy, Carol?”

 

     The older woman answered honestly, “Well darling, I’ve got no experience, so I’m not much of a judge.  But if you mean is he well-behaved, I’d say definitely!  He listens well, and he has a sweet temperament.  He’s just so…big…and wet right now.  My goodness, why couldn’t Elaine have gotten one of those little squeaky dogs that sit in your lap?  How does she even travel with Sparky?  It doesn’t seem like he’d fit through her car door,” she observed rather dubiously.

 

     Therese stuck her hand out and pulled Carol to her feet.  “Well, he _was_ a rescue, so maybe she was just taking what she could get.”  Then she spoke directly to the dog.  “Although for the life of me, Sparky, I can’t imagine why anyone would give you away.  You’re perfect!”  Putting a hand on either side of his massive head, she looked straight into the dog’s eyes and said, “Don’t let anyone ever convince you you’re anything less than beautiful!”  Then she straightened, looking at Carol now with her emerald eyes burning fiercely.  “We’d better head in before we all freeze, huh?”

 

     Nodding her head in agreement, Carol turned to fold up her chair.  The younger woman held out her arms and willingly took the blanket and carried it as they began walking up the beach toward the cottage, the big dog trotting slightly behind.  The women were cold now, and silent, but it was a comfortable silence, and both seemed content to listen to the swish of their boot heels upon the sand.  Carol found herself musing over her girlfriend’s affinity for Sparky and the interactions she’d witnessed so far.  She couldn’t say exactly how, but she suspected the dog was healing a part of Therese that had perhaps never been touched before.  This made her smile gratefully, and she said a silent _thank you_ to whatever mysterious and benevolent force may possibly be playing a part in all this.

 

     Her thoughts were cut off when Therese said, “I’ll make you a deal.  You go get started on making hot chocolate for us, and I’ll rinse off Sparky and begin to dry him, okay?”  Her partner raised her eyebrows and replied, “Well, of course, darling, but I think I’m getting the easy end of the deal, don’t you?”  The young brunette smiled deviously.  “I agree, you are.  But that doesn’t mean you won’t owe me extra later now, does it?” There was a sultry note to her voice and Carol felt an immediate warmth seep into her chilled bones as images of Therese and the fire flashed through her head.  In her own husky voice, she answered, “Well, it doesn’t now…I agree.”  She took a step toward her, swooping down quickly to capture the younger woman’s cool bottom lip between her own and sucking gently.  Pulling back, she kissed the tip of her nose and whispered, “I can’t wait to find out.”

 

     In the kitchen, Carol found a small pot and got out the milk and began preparing the hot chocolate.  There was a small window above the sink, and as the milk heated gently she watched Therese outside, first hosing the saltwater off Sparky, and then beginning what looked like the laborious process of drying him.  She seemed to be talking to the dog the whole time, and when he stopped periodically to shake out his fur, Therese would shake her head and laugh.  Then she would go back to her task, continuing to talk and pet the dog as she did so.

 

     Finally, Therese opened the back door, and Sparky came into the house first, walking through the back hallway and into the kitchen.  Spotting Carol, he sauntered up to where she stood at the stove stirring the hot chocolate and sat down next to her, maneuvering his head directly underneath her free hand.  She laughed.  “Oh, I know your tactics by now, young man!  Taking advantage of me again, are you?”  She looked at him with a critical eye while petting his slightly damp head.  “He really is beautiful, isn’t he?” she asked Therese, who had come into the kitchen and stood watching the interaction with a smile on her ruddy-cheeked face.

 

     “Well, I think so.  I think he likes you, Carol.  He wants to make friends!” the younger woman replied, and as if on cue, the dog leaned into Carol’s thigh, looking up at her with warm, expressive eyes.  The women laughed, which seemed to please Sparky because he gave a loud “woof,” standing back up with his tail wagging.

 

     “Well, I think he understands English, don’t you?” Therese asked, and then she shivered, realizing for the first time how damp and cold she was.  Her partner noticed and said, “Darling, go change.  The hot chocolate is finished.  We’ll sit on the sofa and warm up in front of the fire together.”  Therese didn’t need to be asked twice.  She began walking toward the living room, motioning to the big Newfie with a waving hand.  “Come on, Sparky.  Time to go lay on your bed.” 

 

     When she emerged from the bedroom wearing her dark blue robe and a pair of fluffy slippers it was to find Carol already on the sofa.  A tray sat in front of her containing one mug and a plate of shortbread cookies, and she held her own mug of hot chocolate between both hands as she leaned into the back of the sofa in a relaxed manner.  Carol smiled warmly.  “Come sit, sweetheart.  This will warm you up.”

 

     Therese closed her eyes as she took her first sip.  “Mm, that’s perfect,” she murmured.  “Thanks for making it.”  Carol took a sip from her own mug before responding.  “You’re welcome, darling.  I hope it warms you up.”  Her gaze at Therese was discerning.  “You look relaxed and comfortable.  Being here…being with Sparky…this is really good for you, isn’t it?”

 

     The young brunette smiled as she turned her head to look at the dog, who lay on his side on his bed, peacefully sleeping.  She didn’t respond for several moments, as if considering her thoughts carefully.  Carol was content just watching the play of emotions across her lovely face, and the interplay of light and shadow cast upon it from the autumn glow of the fire.

 

     Finally, Therese responded in a soft voice.  “I love it here.  I figured that out over Labor Day.”  She looked at Carol now.  “For better or worse, I’m a nature girl, Carol.  It’s so isolated out here, so green, so fresh…and the ocean…” She paused.  “It’s like the best combination.  At St. Agatha’s, I had the woods, but not the ocean, too.  Here, it’s…wow.  Like a mega-dose of the best medicine for me!”  She laughed lightly, almost self-consciously, Carol thought.  Then she sighed.  “And Sparky, he’s just—Carol, please don’t take this personally, but I’ve never in my life felt freer or more accepted by another living creature than this dog!”  She looked at the other woman, and Therese felt pained.  “I feel l shouldn’t be saying this, though.  Because you—you’re wonderful and I couldn’t ask for anyone better, but—

 

     “But I’m not a dog?”  Carol interjected, and then smiled good humorously.  She shook her head in understanding, the silky blond hair moving in graceful waves.  “Sweetheart, it’s okay.  You don’t have to even explain.  And please don’t feel guilty!  I may not understand where you’re coming from, but it’s all okay, and I’m very happy you have Sparky.”  She stopped to take a sip of her cocoa.  “I see that he brings you something, Therese.  You have an affinity with him and it’s kind of beautiful to watch.  I don’t need to be your everything,” she commented with a wise smile.  “I just want to be the very best partner I can be!”

 

     Therese could feel her eyes water as a rush of deep emotion stole its way through her head, neck, and then quickly through the rest of her body, leaving her breathless in its wake.  She sat up, placing her half-finished drink on the coffee table, and then purposefully made her way across the sofa, where she took Carol’s mug from her hands with that same air of purpose, placing it on the table with a soft thump.  Then the younger woman moved on top of her partner, straddling her as she undid the sash of her robe.  Carol caught her breath at the gleam of fire in the deep emerald eyes, the glimpse of milky white skin and a rosy nipple atop an uplifted breast.

 

     Therese placed a hand on either side of the older woman’s face and looked deep into her eyes.  “Carol,” she whispered, “you…” she kissed her lightly at the corner of her mouth, “are the very, very best thing…” she kissed the other corner of her mouth, “that has _ever_ happened to me,” she finished, swooping down to take her lips with such ferocity that Carol felt a blaze of white heat shoot straight to her loins.  Therese plundered her mouth, her tongue thrusting deeply, and her partner met her thrust with a matching intensity.  It was as if both women were ignited, and as Carol frantically pushed Therese’s robe open, the younger woman was desperately trying to pull Carol’s sweater up so she could touch the warm, smooth expanse of her skin underneath.

 

     Therese caught her breath as Carol’s hands found her breasts, squeezing and palpating.  When she pinched a nipple, the young woman gasped, and her movements became even more frantic, pushing her partner’s sweater up with force.  “Carol,” Therese panted, “this isn’t _fair!_  You’re wearing way too many clothes!  Help me!”  Carol didn’t have to be asked twice, pulling her sweater the rest of the way off, and quickly disposing of her bra as Therese was pushing her back on the cushions determinedly.  And then the two women were lost in the feel of soft, silky skin, the taste of chocolatey mouths, the heat of their bodies which shuddered and shook with each caress. 

 

     Therese groaned until she finally had her mouth on one of Carol’s nipples, and then she sucked greedily, her excitement only growing.  Carol held the brunette head tightly, as if she couldn’t bear for her partner to take her lips away, moaning and panting, and then moaning some more.  “Oh, god, Therese… _fuck_ …oh that feels so good!”  Her own hands busied themselves, attempting to find the younger woman’s nipples and squeeze, returning some of the pleasure she was receiving.  “Ahh…Carol…oh…”  With her head buried in the crease of Carol’s neck, Therese breathed in her heated scent, her fragrance and soap and perspiration, and as her tongue moved up her neck, across her jawline, and then behind the shell of an ear, the taste and smell and feel of Carol— _Carol!—_ made her feel insane.

 

     Desperate to feel her nakedness against her own, Therese rose up on her knees and began working at the belt of Carol’s trousers.  She looked at the lovely face underneath her and stopped momentarily, gazing at the dewy, dark, blue eyes, the smooth cheeks stained with a deep red blush, the flared nostrils and swollen lips.  “You…you are _so beautiful._  I love you, Carol.  I want you.”  As her hands went back to their task the two women never removed their eyes from one another, lost in the intensity of their love and sexual desire.  But almost at the same instant, they both became aware of a strange sound working its way into their consciousness, a muffled _thump, thump, thump._  Confused, they stared at each other.  _Thump, thump, thump._ Therese was the first to realize what the origin of the sound was, and she turned her head slowly in the direction of Sparky’s bed.  Carol’s quickly followed, and both women saw Sparky, obviously fully awake from his nap, staring at them curiously, his huge head cocked to one side and his tail still thumping.

 

     The dog seemed to take the eye contact as an invitation, because he pushed himself to his feet with surprising agility and then walked over to the sofa, the two women staring dumbly at him the whole time.  Once arriving, Sparky nudged at Therese’s elbow with his damp nose, attempting to entice her to pet him.  She burst out laughing.

 

     “Hmm…I kind of forgot about him, Carol,” the younger woman observed.  Carol was still so shocked she didn’t trust herself to speak, instead looking at Therese as if she didn’t understand where the dog had come from.  Finally, she exhaled, and then murmured, “Well, yes, I guess we did.”  Therese was crestfallen at the disappointment on her partner’s face, and understood it perfectly.  She grabbed her hand and squeezed gently.  “Don’t worry, I’ll make him go lay down.”  Looking at the dog, she firmly commanded, “Sparky, go lay down.”  He initially resisted, but then turned, lumbered back over to his bed, and lay down with a groan.

 

     Therese turned to Carol and beamed.  “There!  Now, where were we?” she asked devilishly, her eyes gleaming already.  But Carol was immobilized, and then aghast.  “Therese!  Are you crazy?  I’m not making love with that…that _big beast_ watching us!  It’s positively…well it’s indecent, or something!  Look at him—he looks like he’s smiling at us!”  Carol sounded so shocked, Therese almost burst out laughing, and then was completely surprised when Carol sprang to her feet suddenly, grabbing her hand and yanking her to her feet next, then pulling her across the room toward the bedroom, with Therese giggling lightly all the way.

 

     Once in the bedroom, Carol turned to close the door, locking it next.  Therese smirked and was about to make a comment when Carol gave her a look that stopped her in her tracks.  Her eyes were almost black with desire, her nostrils flaring, her chest heaving in agitation, and she backed the younger woman against the door with purpose.  Bringing her hot lips to the curve of Therese’s jaw, she whispered, “Now that you’re finally mine— _all mine—_ now, where were we?” 

 

     And Carol proceeded to help them both remember, inch by seductive inch.

 

 

  1. 8



 

 

     In the morning, Therese slid out of bed early, mindful of her full bladder and a certain big dog that she would bet needed to go out by now.  She had no idea what time it was but the light that crept around the seams of the blinds was a muted, silver gray, lending an air of quiet invitation to the day.  She moved with care, not wanting to wake the still sleeping Carol, who lay on her side, her face peaceful in repose, her loveliness making Therese catch her breath as it almost always did.

 

     As she searched for her heavy slacks in the dim light, the younger woman smiled, looking at their clothing from last night, strewn on the floor where it had been tossed as they had feverishly undressed one another.  Unconsciously, her fingers came to her lips, remembering Carol’s kisses, her touches, her seductions, her wild passion which did not go unmatched.  Therese sighed.  If she didn’t find her clothes quickly, she was going to ignore the dog, turn around, and pounce on her beautiful lover so they could do it all over again.

 

     A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom and bumped directly into a thick wall of black fur.  Startled, Therese looked down to see Sparky looking up at her with great interest.  A huge smile split her face.  “Oh, hi boy!” she whispered, burying her fingers in the fur behind his ears and kissing the top of his head.  “Good morning!  I’d bet you’re ready to do your morning business, aren’t you?  Come on, then, let’s go!”  The dog followed her willingly to the side door, his fluffy tail wagging with excited anticipation.  Therese donned her heavy coat and a hat before picking up his leash and clipping it on his collar.

 

     Out in the cold, crisp November morning, Sparky pranced excitedly in circles for a few moments.  “Woof!  Woof!  Woof!” he bellowed, as if simply unable to stop his morning greeting.  Therese laughed delightedly.  “I know, Sparky!  This is great, isn’t it?”  She gazed from left to right, taking in the full expanse of the empty beach before them, the greenish-gray ocean in the distance, the sand a creamy carpet in warm beige.  Breathing deeply, the young woman filled her lungs with the cold air, which carried the pungent scent of the pines that surrounded Elaine’s house and the unmistakable, salty tang of the sea.  In the distance, she saw the gulls circle and then dive, and heard their powerful calls trumpeting into the wide expanse of gray, November sky.  She felt mysteriously quieted and inexplicably old, and yet filled with an energy she recognized as young and almost wild.  “C’mon, boy!  Do your business, and then we’ll walk.”

 

     Down at the water’s edge, the companions walked on wet, hard sand, leaving two sets of footprints, those of a young woman and a very large dog who had won her heart.  Therese was lulled by the sound of the incoming waves, which were rather small on this almost surprisingly windless morning.  The beach was deserted, and Sparky’s placid demeanor seemed to draw her more deeply into solitude with each step.  Her thoughts wandered, from Sparky to Carol to Elaine to Alicia and then, unexpectedly, to her mother.  Surprised, the young woman stopped walking, and a wave of heaviness tumbled over her heart almost as surely as those that rolled in the surf for miles around her. 

 

     Therese sighed heavily, looking for a place to sit.  Tugging on Sparky’s leash, she moved him away from the shore a bit.  “Come on, you big lug.  Let’s sit for a bit.”  An unpleasant frown filled her face, really, almost a snarl.  She resented the intrusion of her mother into what had up until now been a peaceful, beautiful walk with a peaceful, beautiful animal.  Her thoughts thundered through her head and she could feel the old anger surfacing again, the betrayal and abandonment echoing around her brain like gunshots fired in a small, enclosed space.  “Oh, god, I’m just so sick of this!” she cried out in frustration.  “When will this ever go away?”

 

     Sensing his companion’s distress, the Newfie rose to his feet, and then sat on his hind legs next to Therese, a pose which left his massive head higher than hers.  Turning slightly, he nudged her cold cheek with his coal black nose, looking at her with dark, expressive, gentle eyes.  Looking at the dog, Therese felt tears come to her eyes.  “You know, don’t you, Sparky?  You get it.  I know you do.  _Being given_ _away._ It just feels awful.”  She sighed heavily.  “But I’m tired of it, you know?  Actually, I’m sick of it!  It feels like my mother _owns_ me somehow, for chrissake!  And I’m tired of it!  I’m tired of the anger coming back, all these old feelings… Oh, Sparky, I’m ready now, boy!  I’m ready to _let go,_ because look at this life I have!  I’ve never loved anyone like I love Carol, and she loves me back!”  She brought a hand up to the fur at his neck, running her fingers through it mindlessly.  “I’m at this beautiful beach cottage.  I’ve met you,” she said, pausing to put her arms around the dog’s wide neck and squeeze tightly, “and we’re on this beautiful, deserted beach on a beautiful morning.”

 

     Therese paused, peering deeply into Sparky’s eyes.  “Do you know, Sparky?  What’s the answer?  How do I let go?”

 

                                          ____________________________________________

 

     At Pace di Christo, at the very same moment, Alicia was settled at the small corner table in her simple bedroom.  She was dressed in a robe and slippers, and a candle was lit, the only adornment to the plain wood surface in front of her.  A bible sat opened in her lap, though she had momentarily paused her scripture study as a wave of awareness swept over her.

 

     Leaning back in the simple, hard-backed chair, the old nun’s thoughts and spirit were filled with a sense of Therese.  _Therese.  Therese, and Therese, and Therese._ This young woman who always seemed to be with her was almost palpably in her midst, and Alicia could tell she was troubled.  Taking a deep breath, Alicia pictured a hand of light moving across the landscape of her own mind, clearing all her thoughts away.  When she still had a felt sense of a troubled Therese, she took several more slow, deep breaths.

_I’m here, Lord.  Does she need me?  Do you need me?_   A heaviness clutched at her chest, such that her breathing was hitched for several moments.

_She’s troubled, yes, I can see that.  What is it, Lord?  What do you need from me?_ In her mind’s eye flashed an image of the suffering Christ, his face bloodied and sweating, his cross heavy, his weakened body falling beneath its crushing weight. And then a prayer broke through her consciousness.

**Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in us the fire of your love.  Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created.  And you will renew the face of the earth.**

A smile wreathed Alicia’s cherubic face as understanding came.

_Yes, of course I will!  I’ll take it all!  Give it to me, Lord!_ A crushing weight seemed to fill her body then, her old, arthritic bones practically rattling under its dark heaviness.  But Alicia remained focused, her concentration solely on Therese, her heart welcoming the unsurpassed power of the Spirit.

 

     _Come, Holy Spirit_ , she whispered.  _Come, come._ In her lower belly she felt a surprising, uncomfortable tightness, one that almost made her leap from her chair to escape it.  Still she prayed.  _Come, Holy Spirit, come, come._ Despite the rather chilly air in her room on this cold November morning, Alicia felt perspiration break out on her upper lip and brow.  The weightiness on her shoulders increased, the tightness in her bowels only growing more uncomfortable. _Come, Holy Spirit,_ she whispered.  _Come, come._

___________________________________________

 

     Some three hundred miles away, Therese had her face buried in the thick fur around Sparky’s neck as she listened to the soothing, repetitive sound of the waves, hoping and praying they could somehow carry her inner darkness away, free her from this putrid mess she always seemed to find herself swimming through.  _Oh, please, God, if you exist, please help me._

 

                                          ___________________________________________

 

     In their bed in Elaine’s cottage, Carol woke from a dead sleep, shooting up in bed as if a flame had been lit beneath her, her heart pounding wildly in her heaving chest.  There was a roaring sound in her ears, and she struggled to focus.  But her thoughts were on Therese.  _Therese!_ _Something’s wrong with_ _Therese._   Whipping her blond head around, she could see she was alone in the bed.  Quickly, she slid out, her bare feet hitting the cool floor even as she stumbled forward, almost tripping on their discarded clothing from last night.

 

     Carol’s long, slender legs propelled her forward in great leaps, and she was dismayed as she darted from room to room, only to see no sign of Therese.  She was surprised she remembered Sparky, and noticed that he, too, was missing.  _Oh, god.  They’re down by the water!_   _What if she’s drowning?  What_ _if he can’t save her?_ The thought frightened her so badly she rushed to the side door naked, grabbing her parka off its hook, shoving her feet into an old pair of Elaine’s work boots she happened to spot, and yanking the door open with such force the collection of decorative cups on the nearby shelf rattled in place.

_Therese!  Therese, I’m coming, darling!_ The cold air hit Carol’s lungs like a sledgehammer, and she could hardly run in the big boots, unlaced and flopping around her shapely calves as they were.  Still she ran, looking this way and that, growing more and more frightened when she saw no sign of her girlfriend or the dog at the nearby shore.  _Oh, god!  Which way did they go?_ She took two steps to the right, and then it was as if she felt a large, invisible hand upon her shoulder, making her stop and turn the other way.  At the same moment, she heard the Elevator Voice from deep within her being, and this made her stop in her tracks.

 

_See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?_

Carol’s lovely face twisted into an impatient grimace.  _What?  What the fuck?_    She really didn’t have time right now to try to figure out Elevator Voice, her feet churning away at the sand as she thundered down the beach to the left.  But even so, with every step the words kept coming… _See, I am doing a new_ _thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?_   Over and over, the words echoed through her being, calming and reassuring Carol though she could not yet sense this.  Instead, she kept moving, though her steps slowed when she saw the distant outline of two figures seated on the shore.

 

                                      ___________________________________________

_Send forth your Spirit, and they shall be created, and you will renew the face of the earth._ The words of the prayer flowed from Alicia’s lips, over and over, and the old nun rocked back and forth in her chair, holding her belly, almost in a trance.  _And they shall be created, and they shall be created, and they shall_ _be created…_

 

     Unconsciously, she hummed a hymn, an old favorite _, How great thou art, how great thou_ _art._   Time ceased to exist, she rocked, she prayed, she hummed.  Finally, Alicia felt the darkness pass through her, making way for a new, lighter energy, one that filled her entire being and left her smiling and breathless, rocking with her eyes closed, humming, humming.  _How great thou art, how great thou art…_ The old nun smiled, and smiled again, opening her sparkling blue eyes and looking around her room as if she didn’t recognize where she was.  But the darkness had passed, the heaviness was now lifted, the ache in her lower belly gone.  And her little room was suffused with light, a light that seemed to begin both within her and outside of her, a light that knew no ending…

 

_Therese.  My darling girl._ She smiled again, jubilantly, her hand clutching her heart, her eyes shimmering with tears of joy.  **And you will renew the face of the earth.**

Deo gracias!  Deo gracias!

 

                                                _____________________________________

 

     On the Long Island beach, far down the shore from Elaine’s cottage, with her face still buried in Sparky’s fur, Therese felt a shift within her body, as if dark energy was somehow escaping through her pores, pushed out for something lighter and as yet, indefinable.  She felt a weightiness falling from her shoulders, and her ears rang briefly before she once again heard the soothing mantra of the waves greeting the shore.

 

     Beside her, Sparky shook himself, and from deep in his throat came the most delightful groan, a happy, delighted, play-with-me-now groan.  Picking up her head, Therese gazed into the huge mutt’s gentle eyes and saw an impatient playfulness looking back at her.  She laughed then, and was almost shocked that she still had the capacity to do so as the joyful sound split the stillness of the empty beach.  She felt suddenly young and fresh and new, standing to breathe in a huge lungful of the cold, salty air.  A smile wreathed her face, her dimples in full bloom for the first time in a very long time.

 

     At the young woman’s feet, Sparky groaned again, and she looked down at him quickly.  Putting a hand on either side of his beautiful face, she whispered, “You know, don’t you, boy?  You feel it, too.  Something’s different…I’m different somehow…”  Her voice trailed away, her warm breath leaving white puffs on the cold air around them.  “It feels beautiful, Sparky, whatever this is.  It’s not so dark and heavy anymore!”  She leaned down and placed her forehead on top of the dog’s head, breathing in his warm, doggy smell.  Then she unclipped his leash.  “Go play, Sparky!  Celebrate with me!”  Not needing to be told twice, the Newfie loped away toward the surf, his baritone bark barreling out to greet the waves.

 

     Therese smiled as she watched him, lost in her thoughts.  From a distance, she heard a female voice calling her name.  “Therese!  Darling!”  Startled, the younger woman turned to see Carol approaching.  As she drew closer, Therese could see her lover was out of breath, her chest heaving beneath her red parka as if she’d run the whole way from the cottage.  She also noticed the coat wasn’t buttoned, and she appeared, oddly enough, to be wearing a very large pair of dark brown, unlaced work boots, the kind she’d seen road workers wearing.

 

     Smiling despite her confusion, Therese asked, “Carol?  Are you—What are you doing here?”  The older woman stopped a few feet away, gazing intently at Therese’s smooth, unlined face with concern.  Seeing the emerald eyes looking back at her, bright and shining as if lit from an internal sun, Carol relaxed.  She could feel an energy in the air between them, one being released by the beautiful young woman across from her, as if Mother Earth had just plucked a string deep within her.  Carol thought she had never looked lovelier.  Unbidden, the Elevator Voice whispered within her, _See, I am doing a new_ _thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?_  Taking a deep breath, she smiled, and then walked the last few steps between them.

 

     “Carol?”  The blond woman reached out with the hand that wasn’t holding her coat closed, drawing Therese’s wool cap from her head just so she could touch her silky, brunette locks.  Running her fingers through the soft hair, Carol responded, “You’re okay, aren’t you?  I woke up frightened when I…when you weren’t there.”  She stumbled over her words, not quite certain what to say.  “I was worried...you know, we’re by the ocean—

 

     “You thought I would go swimming when it’s thirty degrees out?”  Therese’s voice was amused, but kind.

 

     The older woman shook her head.  “I know, I know.  It’s foolish.”  She took a deep breath, her shoulders rising and then falling easily.  “I…it doesn’t make any sense, I know.  But it doesn’t need to.  Not now.”  She looked directly into Therese’s eyes.  “You’re more than okay, aren’t you?”

 

     Therese tilted her head, surprise filling her face.  Then she nodded her answer.  “I’m really, really good, Carol.  But how did you know?”  Carol shook her head dismissively, and softly replied, “It’s not important, darling.”  She stopped to bring a hand to one of the younger woman’s cold cheeks.  “What’s important is that you’re more than okay!  But your face—it’s so cold!  How long have you been out here, anyway?”

 

     “I have no idea,” came the soft-spoken answer.  “But it’s a beautiful morning, even if it’s November!  Sparky and I have been having a blast!” she said with a chuckle in her voice and a glance at the shoreline, where the big, now soaking wet dog was frolicking in the waves, pawing and woofing and prancing.  Looking back at Carol, Therese considered her apparel, her face taking on a perplexed expression.  “Carol, why are you wearing those work boots?  And why are you—” she stopped and reached out a hand, tugging Carol’s own cold one away from the parka, which opened to reveal her nakedness underneath.  The emerald eyes popped out, and Therese was speechless for a moment.

 

     Then the younger woman threw back her head and laughed, a deep, hearty, delighted laugh.  With sparkling eyes, she said, “Wow!  My woman wants me _bad_!”  She reached her small, cold hands into the parka, sliding them around Carol’s back, which made the older woman yelp.  “Oh, your hands are freezing, Therese!”  Bringing her equally cold lips up, Therese kissed her lightly once, then twice.  “Well, love, I can think of a few really good ways to warm them up,” she purred seductively.

 

     Carol laughed lightly.  “Not on your life!  Not on this freezing cold beach!”

 

     Therese batted her eyes playfully.  “Oh, but Carol…the boots…they’re really doing something for me, if you know what I mean!”  Carol burst out laughing, swatting at Therese’s shoulder.  “You smart ass!  Come on…how about if we head back, drink some coffee…and then go back to bed, darling?  I’ll even wear the boots!”

 

     Smiling, Therese turned her head toward the ocean though visions of Carol danced in her head.  “Sparky!” she shouted.  “Come on, boy!  It’s time to head home!”

 

 

 

CH.9

 

     “Darling?”  The question came softly, almost in a whisper.  Therese stirred reluctantly, her response the merest hum.  She lay, supremely content, on Carol’s chest, their naked bodies fused together, her legs on either side of her hips, while Carol’s fingers stroked the loveliest patterns up and down the smooth skin of her back and hips.  The older woman pressed kisses into Therese’s forehead, her breath warm and still slightly shaky.

 

     Their loving had been powerful and intense and beautiful, leaving Therese filled, emptied, and deeply moved.  She had no desire to do anything but lay right here with Carol, under the blankets and in the warm cocoon of their embrace, feeling her lover’s chest rising and falling like the movement of the tides beneath her.  But the soft voice whispered once again into the milky November daylight.

 

     “Darling?  Are you awake?”  Therese now made more of an effort to reply, wiggling her slim hips slightly and whispering, “Yes, Carol.  I’m awake.”  She lifted her head so that she could gaze down at the beautiful woman beneath her.  Carol’s blond hair lay in disarray around her on the pillow, her smooth cheeks were stained with a rose blush, her eyes dark and moist, her pink lips still swollen with their kisses.  The sight before her made Therese sigh, taken as always by Carol’s goddess-like beauty, and she leaned down to press a lingering kiss to those inviting lips.  “Mm,” she murmured.  “Mm.  What is it you need?”

 

     Carol raised her eyebrows, and in her deep, husky voice practically purred, “Well, I could need a lot, darling, now that you’re asking.”  She smiled, a gentle, loving smile that melted Therese’s heart all over again.  “But…I don’t need anything right now except to talk a bit, if we can.  Is that okay?”  The younger woman slid gracefully from Carol’s chest, laying down beside her and pulling the blankets up around both of them.  Carol turned, too, and Therese replied, “Of course, Carol.  What would you like to talk about?”

 

     Carol fidgeted slightly, biting her bottom lip and plumping her pillow before responding.  “Darling, I wanted to ask you…well…out there,” she said while nodding toward the windows, “on the beach…before.  You don’t have to tell me.  I don’t want to pry.  But I’m wondering, did something significant happen for you?  Something…emotional, maybe?”  She paused before quickly adding, “But don’t feel you have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

 

     Therese smiled gently, reaching out to smooth a blond curl behind Carol’s ear.  “It’s fine, Carol.  You can ask.  I just… well, yes, something emotional happened, but I really couldn’t say what,” she observed honestly.  “I haven’t really thought about it yet, made sense of it.”  The younger woman closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before continuing.  “I felt something shift, kind of.  I guess.  Something inside me moved, it got lighter, or taken away.  Or something like that.”  Her face held an untroubled, relaxed, though uncertain expression.

 

     “Do you want to try to talk through it now?”

 

     Therese shrugged.  “I guess so.  But why do you ask?  Why are you wondering?”

 

     Carol moved a hand then, bringing it to Therese’s cheek and stroking softly.  “It’s just that—I woke up in such a panic, darling.  I was convinced something bad had happened to you.  But the closer I got to you, the calmer I became, just knowing that everything was not only okay but _more than okay.”_   Now she ran her fingers through Therese’s silky brunette locks, mindlessly watching as she stretched them out, over and again.  “And then I reached you,” she said, her fingers stilling their ministrations, “and it’s like you were lit up, Therese.  Like a little Christmas tree.  You were glowing, sweetheart!  I’ve never seen you look that way.  It was…I don’t have words.”  Her voce faded, and Carol smiled, almost self-consciously.

 

     There was silence then as Therese considered her response.  It was a companionable silence, warm and safe and comfortable, and both women were content for those moments to simply hold each other.    Finally, Therese spoke.

 

     “I’m not sure I know what happened.  I woke up happy, you know…having fun with Sparky.  And then,” she shrugged, a look of irritation flashing briefly in her eyes, “I had this… _attack_ of thoughts about my mom.”  Closed eyes, a heavy sigh.  “And I just got so frustrated, Carol.”  Therese opened her eyes now, and they were as green and clear and placid as a tropical pond.  “I was just so _done_.  And I don’t know how…I kind of said a prayer…I let go.”  She breathed deeply, hugely, as if taking in the first breath her lungs had ever breathed.  Then she smiled, her dimples appearing in a gentle embrace.  “I guess…maybe God heard me?  I feel strange saying that, though. You know I struggle with the whole God thing.”  She moved her legs, unable to still her energies.  “But _something_ happened out there.  It was like this big, heavy, black cloak fell off my shoulders.  Or I came out of a dark hallway.  Into the light.”

 

     Silence fell again, and Carol stroked the younger woman’s back soothingly through the soft, blue sheet, pausing here and there to spin slow circles with the flat of her hand.  Therese had her eyes closed, and she murmured occasionally, sounds of contentment and comfort.   When she finally opened them she whispered, “But you knew.  Right?”

 

     Carol nodded with certainty.  “Oh yes, sweetheart.”  She paused, scrunching up her face before a wary look came to her eyes.  “Look…I’ll tell you something, Therese, but…I don’t want you to think I’m losing my mind.”  Therese laughed lightly and squeezed Carol’s shoulder.  “Carol, give me a break!  If anyone’s been crazy, it’s been me, for months now… But _you_.  You’ve been the rock! You’re _wonderful!”_    She smiled, her eyes beaming with love, and Carol relaxed visibly, clearing her throat and taking a deep breath.

 

     “Well, darling,” the older woman began, “Okay.  Well, I hear this voice sometimes.  Mostly in the elevator of our apartment building.”  She stopped to look closely at Therese, but the young brunette just gazed back placidly, her eyes reflecting a peaceful acceptance.  “I call it Elevator Voice, but I think it comes from somewhere inside me.  I’m really not sure…” There was a pause, and Therese watched Carol’s blue-gray eyes closely, almost feeling as if she could read a page of her life story behind them.  “It says these _biblical_ things!  It’s so strange, sweetheart!  I haven’t paid any attention to the bible my whole life.  I’m not sure I even _like_ it.  I know in college I decided the biblical God was just awful and I wanted no part of him.”

 

     Carol grew restless, sitting up in bed and pulling the bedclothes around her bare shoulders.  She gazed at Therese rather pensively, her fingers smoothing out the blanket around her thighs.  “Darling, I’m not sure what this is all about for me.  Hearing an Elevator Voice…biblical words…even going up to Albany to the convent to teach Alicia to drive.  Having these _nuns_ around!”  She sighed, and then an ironic smile appeared on her lovely face.  “This isn’t the _Carol Aird_ I know, sweetheart.  Carol Aird doesn’t hear voices.  She’s self-composed.  She’s somewhat cynical.  She likes her cigarettes, her whiskey, and keeping people at a distance, for the most part.  It’s unnerving at times, and at others…”   Her voice trailed away, and she closed her eyes, her breathing relaxed, her face looking peaceful in repose.

 

     Therese had been listening closely, and now she spoke in a soft, gentle voice.  “What happens at the other times, Carol?  Do you know?”  She reached out to take her hand, bringing it up to her lips and kissing the knuckles.

 

     Carol took a deep breath, tilting her head and opening her eyes.  “It’s kind of like us, sweetheart.  Like our love.  Just very real…powerful…unexpected…bringing me life somehow…”  She paused, her eyebrows narrowing as thoughts sped across her face.  Then she shrugged her slender shoulders, which Therese thought looked elegant even wrapped in a bedsheet.  “I feel like I’m not making sense…”

 

     The young brunette smiled, her face open and accepting, and then asked, “Did Elevator Voice say something today?”

 

     Carol nodded.  “Mm-hmm.  As I was rushing around in a panic.  It was clear as a bell, Therese.  ‘ _See, I_ _am doing a new thing.  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?’_ I haven’t looked it up yet, although it certainly sounds biblical, once again.  It kept repeating itself, over and over again.  And the more I heard it, the calmer I felt.  Like I needn’t worry.  You were going to be fine.  You would be _more than fine._ This message was _for_ me, but _about_ you.”  She fiddled with the sheet, insecurity evident in her mannerisms.  “Does this…does it make any sense at all?”

 

     Therese didn’t answer immediately.  Her thoughts went back to this morning, on the beach, and the incredible feeling of lightness she experienced, the bounce she couldn’t keep out of her step, the way she felt fresh and brand-new.  She rubbed Carol’s knuckles absentmindedly with her thumb, until finally the older woman’s voice brought her out of her reverie.

 

     “Darling?  Are you contemplating how crazy I sound?”

 

     Therese raised her face, which held a sweet smile and shining eyes.  She shook her head.  “No, Carol.  I’m contemplating how _right_ you sound.  How accurate those words are as a description of what I was experiencing.  The sense of being new, the lightness of being…Something changed out there for me.  Like I said.  And what your… _Elevator Voice_ was telling you is a profound description of it.  Something new rising up in me, or around me, or through me.  I’m not sure yet.”

 

     Having worked her restlessness out, Carol lay back down before asking, “But what does this all mean?  Why am I hearing this voice?  Is it…from God?  Or some inner source of deep wisdom?  Which I can’t even believe I have!  What am I supposed to do about it?”

 

     Therese laughed lightly, reaching out to stroke Carol’s cheek.  “You’re really asking the wrong person!  I’m the crazy one!  But I guess I would say…why do you have to do anything?  Can’t you just listen?  Maybe ponder what you hear?  Say thanks for the advice?  Maybe let God reveal the answers you seek?”

 

     The older woman shook her head somewhat impatiently.  “Yes, of course, sweetheart.  But I want to _know._ I don’t like this mystery, the unknown quality of all this.  It’s like a voice of truth coming out of the fog.  Or something.”

 

     Therese pursed her eyebrows in concentration before replying, “One time I was talking to Alicia about this very same thing.  Struggling with mystery, with things I couldn’t prove, with having to believe blindly.  It really pissed me off!”  She smiled then, her face reflecting an inner peace.  “She gave me her usual Alicia pep talk, and said something I’ve never forgotten: _When you are ready to see, all will be revealed._   So…maybe when you are ready to know Elevator Voice, you will.  Do you think?”

 

     Carol sighed heavily.  “Oh, I suppose so, sweetheart.”  She sounded grumpy, but then suddenly laughed, a robust sound that startled her companion and brought a “Woof!” from the other room, where Sparky had been left napping on his bed.  “God, what a conversation, Therese!  Can you imagine if at our first lunch I’d said, ‘and oh, by the way, I hear voices while riding the elevator up to my apartment.’  Can you even imagine how crazy that would have sounded?”

 

     Delight filled Therese’s face at the memory of that lunch, and her eyes grew misty with love.  “Carol, I was so taken with you, I probably would have just asked what they were saying, and gone home and written it in my journal or something!”  She laughed then, too, and soon both women were laughing together, a sound of pure release and joy.  Neither of them heard the bedroom door being bumped open by a massive, coal-black head, nor did they notice Sparky saunter in as if he belonged there.  Setting a large paw on the trunk at the foot of the bed, he heaved himself up, plopping down in the narrow space between their legs.

 

     Two attractive heads turned in unison, and Therese exclaimed, “Sparky!  Hey, boy, look at you!”  The dog sat looking from one woman to the other, panting with his tongue hanging out, as if he was smiling.    He raised a paw and set it unceremoniously on Carol’s thigh.  She looked at it, and then at the Newfie’s gentle face.  Something in the blond woman’s heart melted. She reached out a hand and stroked one of his soft ears.

 

     “Oh, you big lug, you!  You’re irresistible, you know…and I’ve never said that about a single other male on the planet.” She took his paw lightly. “Yes, Sparky, I’ll be your friend.  Just another unexpected thing to be happening in my life!”

 

                                               _______________________________________

 

     That night, Carol and Therese sat on the beach for a long time, watching dusk fade and night settle in.  There was a thick blanket spread out beneath them to ward off the chill of the clear November evening, and another around their shoulders as they huddled together, mostly in silent companionship.  The sun had faded a while ago, and the night sky slowly revealed itself, the stars appearing against a vast blue-black backdrop, their brilliance growing and emanating.  In the distance they could still see the endless waves rolling in, the white foam glimmering as they crested, the sound an ageless, soothing lullaby.

 

     Therese had her head leaning against Carol’s shoulder, reveling in their warmth and closeness.  With an arm around her slender waist, she held the other woman tenderly, stroking her hip every now and then.  Now, she leaned up and planted a light kiss on her chin.  “What are you thinking?” she asked softly.  Carol smiled in the darkness and kissed Therese’s forehead.

 

     “Oh, this and that, darling.  God stuff again.  It’s on my mind a lot lately.  Being out here…the beauty and vastness…it makes me feel _so small_ , like _of course_ there’s a God that created all this.  Just look!  Look at those stars!  How could there not be? I can’t believe the world just happened by accident.  And I really don’t believe _we_ happened by accident either, darling.”  She squeezed Therese’s waist where she held the younger woman securely to her side.  “Oh, darling.  Nothing in my life looks the same since you.  Nothing!  _You make me more me_ …”  She stopped and leaned down to kiss her cold, smooth cheek, her lips lingering for a moment.  “I feel more alive than I ever have, even though I miss Rindy each and every day.”

 

     Suddenly, Carol moved, grasping Therese’s shoulders and encouraging her down on the blanket, and then covering her small body with her own.  Their two slightly chilled bodies came together, and both women sighed in the warmth of the cocoon they created.  The thought flashed through Carol’s head that this wasn’t smart, someone could see them, report them…but who in the world would find them on this deserted stretch of beach in complete darkness?  She let go of the thought, burying her head in the crease of Therese’s neck, inhaling her scented warmth gratefully.  She could almost feel the exact moment when sexual awareness sparked between the two of them, and Carol moved her hips suggestively.  Therese moaned.  “Carol…” The older woman moved her hips again, applying pressure in just the right places.  Then she began planting kisses on Therese’s neck, jaw, and throat, her tongue tracing patterns on the soft, cool skin.  Therese moaned again, her excitement rising with each stroke of Carol’s tongue.  “Carol,” she moaned again, “this is…ah…wonderful, but there’s no way I can get naked out here.  It’s too cold.  Oh!  Oh, my!  And I have…essential parts that might freeze.”

 

     But Carol was operating now out of pure desire and sensuality, tunneling under the covers, raising Therese’s warm sweater and delighting in the fact she wasn’t wearing a bra.  She expertly located a nipple in the dark, as if led by sexual radar, and opened her mouth wide, exhaling a deep warm breath directly upon it.  Therese’s lithe body literally flinched, and she almost shouted, _“Jesus!_   Carol!  Oh my god…”  Her breathing was hitched, perhaps because of excitement or cold, or maybe both…but did it matter?  Carol’s head popped up, and in her deep, husky voice she whispered, “Who said anything about getting naked, sweetheart?”  And then she bit down on that same nipple, the intensity of the sensation sending shock waves through the younger woman’s body.  Therese groaned loudly, as if set free by the wild freedom of the waves crashing in, the sound of which sent Carol cascading even more deeply into her a state of frenzied desire.

 

     Bringing a hand to Therese’s other breast, Carol pinched the nipple, just before finding it with her lips.  Therese gasped, feeling wild with desire, her slim hips gyrating, her hands stroking her lover’s arms impatiently, tugging at her sweater, frustrated by the thick layer of cotton between her hands and the silk of Carol’s skin.  She gasped again.  “Carol, can’t we at least…run for the cottage?”  But the other woman shook her head, moving purposefully down Therese’s smooth, warm abdomen, her tongue fashioning erotic arabesques that drove her lover insane.  “Therese,” Carol murmured as she grasped her slacks with two hands, tugging them down her hips just far enough to give her access to her warm, wet center.  Even in the cold, Carol could smell Therese’s fragrance, the enticing, musky smell drawing her inexorably toward her the center of her desire.

 

     When Carol’s hot, seductive mouth met her lips, the younger woman’s legs parted instinctively.  The feel of the silky blond hair spilling across her thighs was almost more than Therese could tolerate.  She could feel her desire growing, her womb throbbing, her hips thrusting impatiently.  When Carol somehow managed to insert her fingers, under the weight of the blankets, the sweaters, the deep desire, Therese could no longer hold herself back.  “Carol!” she cried out into the inky darkness.  And then, as they’d both come to expect, the tears soon followed, coursing down Therese’s face unheeded.

 

     Could there be anything more beautiful, the younger woman wondered vaguely?  The sound of the waves crashing into the beach endlessly, the brightness of the stars flung across the coal black sky, the scent of the cold, late autumn air hitting her sensitized nostrils, the feel of her beloved between her legs, pleasuring her with a hot, wet, purposeful tongue intent on her delight?  She moved unconsciously now, up and down, around and around, in synchronicity with the vast, uncontrollable ocean not a hundred yards away.  When Carol’s hand came up to squeeze one of her nipples, Therese moaned loudly, knowing she was close.  The tears continued to flow, but the embarrassment ebbed, and she yearned for release, for oneness, for union. 

 

     And finally, Therese shouted out into the night sky, her body thrust into violent spasms that shook both herself and Carol to the core.  The older woman stayed with her there, riding out the waves of her orgasm, lovingly ministering to her needs, prolonging her pleasure as long as possible.  When Therese’s small body finally stilled, Carol pulled her slacks back up around her hips, moving to lay beside her, finding her lips in the darkness and kissing her deeply.

 

     As the younger woman’s body finally stilled, she detected a sniffle coming from her lover.  Concerned, she pulled back, noticing the tears on Carol’s cheeks, glistening like footprints of the stars on her face.  “Carol,” she choked out, so moved she could barely speak.  “Are you okay?”  She felt her companion nod against the heat of her neck, but still Carol’s tears flowed.  Concerned, Therese separated herself far enough from their embrace to look into her eyes, which seemed as dark and mysterious and endless as the sea.

 

     Grasping Carol’s face with both hands, she asked again, “Are you okay, love?”  But the older woman only nodded, too overcome with emotion to even be able to define what was coursing through her being.  She stuttered out her reply.  “So beautiful, darling.  Just so, so beautiful… so blessed.”  She kissed Therese again deeply, their tongues meeting like trusted friends after the longest journey.  Then she clasped her tightly to her breast, kissing her fragrant, cool head with tenderness.

 

     Pulling back to look up at the night sky, Therese breathed deeply.  “It is beautiful. _This_ is beautiful,” she whispered as she gave Carol a squeeze.  “I couldn’t be more thankful.”

 

 

  1. 10



 

 

     The morning following her intense prayer experience, Alicia was up and about early, as was her typical pattern.  Her day always began with prayer, sometimes with her bible, sometimes with just a lit candle in her room, sometimes in the chapel, which she dearly loved, and sometimes, like today, out in Francis’s Garden, deep in walking meditation.  Now, in mid-November, the nun was bundled in a heavy coat and boots to ward off the chill, one of her gloved hands in her pocket and the other holding her cane.  The pathways were strewn with damp leaves and she stepped carefully, aware she was gazing frequently at the lawns where frost was glistening in the morning sunlight.  She stopped for a moment to look more closely.  It was as if millions and millions of tiny stars had decided to take a break from hanging in the sky and christen the lawns of Pace de Christo, just for the pure joy of doing so.

 

     Alicia smiled in thanksgiving. The sight was beautiful to behold and seemed to celebrate the sense of resurrection she had embodied for the last day.  After praying yesterday, she had felt so filled with light and gratitude her feet barely touched the ground, and she wished she could wear white all day long just to reflect her inner world.  She knew deep in her heart that her dear Therese had been lifted too, and though she didn’t know exactly how, her intuition told her that some old childhood demons had been chased away.  The dearest child!  _Deo gracias!_

 

     It was a true victory of light over darkness and Alicia wished she could blow jubilant trumpets and let the celebratory sounds carry over the gentle hills of the countryside surrounding the convent.  Instead she walked slowly, breathing deeply of the cold air that was almost a jolt to her lungs.  She felt each individual footstep, thankful that she could walk, that her hip was stronger, that her own being had known resurrection, too.

 

     It remained a mystery to her, the way the Spirit worked, and she guessed it always would.  It wasn’t even a year yet since her own inner healing had happened.  She remembered vividly the night the sisters closest to her had laid their hands on her, praying, chanting, and singing.  She remembered, too, the warm feelings that had moved through her body as if catching a ride on the fibers of her nervous system, the light that seemed to enter her, the feeling of a cool breeze behind her eyelids that brought tears to her eyes.  And too, she remembered her deep, intuitive _knowing._   She had experienced a healing.  She couldn’t at the time say exactly in what way, and yet she knew it was true.

 

     For days, she had felt like an ethereal creature, one who lived and breathed Light, the very Light that begat the stars.  She wasn’t of course…she was just a rather plump Franciscan nun with a passion for God.  The old memories were still there.  But she noticed that when they flitted through her mind now, they had no power, no sway.  They blew in and out as if the windows were opened at both ends, leaving her untouched, unmoved, and unscathed.  She was no longer a rape victim or a rape survivor.  She was Alicia, a woman without a need to define herself in relationship to the rape anymore.  She had been set free.

 

     Why then, when she had prayed for so many years, she could not say.  Why her, she could not say.  She certainly wasn’t any better or more deserving than anyone else.   Why at all, she could not say.  She thought now of the countless prayers she and Elaine and Maggie had said together, asking that Maggie’s cancer be healed.  It had not, and she would trade the one for the other in the blink of an eye.

 

     As Alicia grew in wisdom, she realized that the spiritual life was truly one of constant surrender, of letting go.  She needed to surrender her “why’s,” too, her constant, demanding need to know. For her it was an act of deep faith and humility to do so, and one she struggled with often still.  She had a bright, quick intellect, and she loved to be able to understand.  To say, _there are some things I just can’t know,_ was always an act of the deepest humility she could muster.

 

     Contemplating the lawns now, shot through and sparkling in shiny white-silver and gold as if countless fairies were holding green torches aflame, the little nun felt a sense of awe.  She, too, was a torch-bearer, a light-bearer, a piece of Light itself.  This was more than amazing.  It was more than miraculous.  It was more than enough. With Therese on her heart, Alicia rededicated herself again this morning to spreading peace, to being Light, to inviting God to work through her own being to help others find themselves in that Light.

 

    She walked and prayed, her steps falling in a slow and measured way, the words of St. Francis flowing through her being:

_Lord, make me an instrument of your peace._

_Where there is hatred, let me sow love;_

_where there is injury, pardon;_

_where there is doubt, faith;_

_where there is despair, hope;_

_where there is darkness, light;_

_where there is sadness, joy._

_O, Divine Master, grant that I_

_may not so much seek_

_to be consoled, as to console;_

_to be understood as to understand;_

_to be loved as to love._

_For it is in giving that we receive,_

_it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,_

_and it is in dying that we are_

_born to eternal life._

_Amen._

 

 

                                                 ______________________________________

 

     Therese had awoken earlier than Carol, as usual.  After taking Sparky out to do his business, she came back in and made herself a cup of tea.  The house was quiet and peaceful, though a bit chilled, and she made her way over to the fireplace where the logs had already been laid.  She lit a match and then the fire, blowing on it for a few seconds as Elaine had taught her to do.  When she was satisfied it would keep burning, Therese put the grate back in place for safety.  She looked over at Sparky, who was laying on his side in his bed as if he’d run for hours already.  Crawling on hands and knees, she drew near to the big dog and brought her face down to his head, inhaling his reassuring dog smell.

 

     “Look at you, Sparky, already taking your first nap of the day.  We’ve only been up a half hour or so, boy!  God, I wish I had your life!  Sleep, eat, play in the ocean, sleep, eat, get stroked and petted constantly.  If I ever get reincarnated, I’m asking to come back as you.  Only with sex included!  Living here!”  She giggled, kissed the top of his head, and then rose and made her way quietly to the sofa, where she sat back with her cup of tea to gaze at the fire and enjoy its warming light.

 

     Therese took a slow, deep breath, closing her eyes momentarily and contemplating her somehow _changed_ state of being.  She still couldn’t quite understand how it had happened, and an intuitive part of her knew it was simply beyond her grasp.  All she could do was enjoy and give thanks for this lightness she felt, this freedom and release.  For the very first time in her life, it didn’t seem as if her mother was hovering over her shoulder, ready to ruin the present moment, regardless of how beautiful it might be. 

 

     Maybe today could really be about the present, about this almost unspeakably beautiful love she shared with Carol, about the ocean, and beach, and this great, big black hulk of a dog that was snoozing on his bed and warming her heart.  _Thank you, God, thank you!  Whoever you are, thank you!_

 

     As if she had silently beckoned her, Carol came slowly sauntering out of their bedroom, her eyes looking sleepy, with little bags underneath, yawning hugely and bringing a hand up to cover her gaping mouth.  “Mm…good morning, sweetheart.  How are you?” she asked, and then yawned again as she sat beside Therese, pulling her bare feet inside her red plaid robe.  The younger woman loved this messy, rumpled look on her lover, the golden blond hair falling in tangled masses around her perfect face.  Leaning over, she placed a soft kiss on her cheek, inhaling her scent and warmth.  “I’m really good, Carol.  How are you?  How’d you sleep?” Therese replied, bringing a hand up to run her fingers through the mussed hair, then drawing Carol into an embrace. 

 

      With her chin resting on Therese’s shoulder, Carol took a deep, peaceful breath.  “I slept like a rock, darling.  And I’m doing really, really well.  This place agrees with me!  Maybe it’s all the fresh air and the long walks.”  Hearing the older woman’s deep voice seemed to bring Sparky out of his nap.  He sprang to his feet with surprising agility, making his way over to the sofa and placing his head on Carol’s thigh with a loud exhale.  Carol laughed.  “And… don’t take this personally, darling…but I seem to have a new man in my life!” she observed, petting the silky fur behind the dog’s ears.  Sparky looked up at her with adoring eyes, bringing a laugh from both women.  “He’s incorrigible and irresistible!” Therese added.

 

     Carol pulled back to look into Therese’s eyes.  “You look…peaceful, sweetheart.  And brighter.”  She brought up a hand to gently sweep the younger woman’s brunette hair off her cheek, then stroked it lightly with the backs of her fingertips.

 

     Therese spoke in a quiet voice.  “That’s accurate.  I’ve been sitting here trying to understand this.  I feel different, Carol.  But in a good way.  Peaceful and brighter fit well.”  She smiled, her dimples appearing in that way that always delighted her partner.  She then took a deep breath, releasing it heavily, as if expelling memory along with air.  “Whatever happened to me out there…yesterday on the beach…it was good.  And I’m very thankful.”

 

     Bringing their foreheads together, Carol smiled.  “I am too, Therese.  I am, too.”  She pulled back with another stoke of Therese’s cheek, and said, “Now, I need tea.  And I also think we should head to the grocery. It’s a bit of a drive, but we should replace a few things for Elaine, don’t you think?”  The younger woman nodded.  “Definitely.  And maybe buy some things for a nice last meal here tonight.  Sparky needs a walk, though.  Could you take him, love?  I’d like to dress and then call Alicia and talk for a bit.”

 

     “Of course!”  Having heard his name and the word “walk,” Sparky stood up again, his tail wagging with anticipation.  Carol shook her head, chuckling.  “Look at how he waits on my every move!  Listen, buster, I’m not going anywhere without a cup of tea first!  Go lay on your bed, Sparky.”  She was pleasantly shocked when the dog groaned but then obediently turned and walked back to his bed where he lay down with a “hum-ph.”  The beautiful blond head spun around, its owner’s blue-gray eyes wide with surprise.  “Did you see that, Therese?  Sparky actually obeyed _me,_ of all people!  I wonder why…” she added, her voice clearly reflecting bemusement.

 

     Therese laughed with delight, and then she suddenly crawled across the short distance between them, flinging her arms around Carol’s neck as she wiggled around on her lap.  Kissing her cheeks, her brows, her forehead, the spot behind her right ear that brought a gasp from the older woman, and finally, Carol’s full lips, Therese murmured, “Perhaps it’s because, just like me, Sparky can’t seem to resist you, Carol.”  She kissed her again, bringing her tongue out to trace her bottom lip, and then sliding it smoothly into the moist recesses of her lover’s mouth, finding its warm mate and moaning at both the delightful sensation and the sweet taste of her minty toothpaste.  Unable to resist, Therese deepened the kiss, her tongue and lips moving in practiced, seductive fashion.

 

     Carol groaned then, her breathing hitched, returning kiss for kiss with equal passion.  Finally, she pulled back slightly, her hot breath fanning out along Therese’s jawline momentarily before she dropped a few kisses there.  “Therese…darling,” she whispered haltingly, “you make me…I just _feel_ with you.”  She paused to look into the deep emerald eyes of her young lover, shining with love, brimming with desire.  “I feel so much it unnerves me.  I haven’t ever felt this much except for with Rindy, and that’s just so different.  The mother-child bond.  But never before…not with Abby, _certainly_ not with Harge…and it just _grows,_ sweetheart.”  She smiled tenderly, placing a kiss on the smooth skin of Therese’s forehead.  “It just grows,” she whispered again.

 

     Therese took Carol’s face in her hands, looking deep into her eyes, not flinching, not pausing.  “I know,” she whispered in reply, “I know.  I feel it, too, Carol…the love I have for you…the love between us—” She stopped abruptly, kissing her almost harshly, certainly fiercely.  Then she smiled through her breathlessness, a smile returned by her equally breathless partner.  “Tonight, I’m going to show you just how deep the feelings go!” she finished with passion, and then smiled hugely, looking to Carol like a happy girl instead of the quite grown-up, twenty three-year old woman she was so in love with.

 

     Rolling her eyes, Carol groaned again, getting to her feet and moving toward the kitchen.  She lifted her blond hair off her neck as she went.  _“Jesus_ , Therese, if I don’t get away from you I’ll never get out the door with Sparky!”  Behind her, she heard Therese giggle as she made her way to the bedroom.  Then the young woman sang out, “Ah, but tonight, Carol… _tonight_!”

 

                                           ____________________________________________

 

     “Alicia?”  Without waiting a beat, a voice answered, “Therese, my dear one!  I’ve been thinking of you! Tell me, how are you?” Alicia’s voice reflected her obvious pleasure in hearing from the young woman she loved like a daughter. 

 

     Therese replied with a smile evident in her voice.  “Alicia, I’m so good.  I’m really just…so good!  Carol and I are out at Elaine’s cottage, supposedly doing her a favor and dog sitting, although we both feel like we’ve been having a long weekend vacation!”

 

     The nun laughed.  “Ah…so you’ve met that mountain of a dog, have you?  Isn’t he just a peach?”

 

     “Absolutely, Alicia!  He’s sitting here with me right now.  Up on the sofa where he’s not supposed to be, with his head on my thigh cutting off my circulation!”  As if he knew he was being spoken of, Sparky looked up at Therese with adoration, his coal black eyes somehow smiling.  The young woman laughed.  “He’s making eyes at me!  He doesn’t want me to kick him off the sofa, I think.”  She stopped to pet him, putting the phone on her other shoulder.  “Have you met him?”

 

     “Not yet, but Elaine sent me pictures.  I’ve never seen such an enormous dog!  He looks like a black bear cub, if you ask me.”  Therese laughed and replied, “That’s exactly what Carol thinks.  I think at first she was terrified of him, but it didn’t take long before Sparky won her over!  She actually walked him herself this morning, and they came in from the beach looking like they’d fallen in love.  I think I’m actually a bit jealous!”

 

     Now it was the old nun’s turn to laugh, her typically robust burst that made Therese smile fondly on the other end of the phone.  “Alicia, I just love you.  It’s so good to hear your voice.  How are you feeling?  How’s your hip these days?  And Carol tells me you are becoming quite the driver!”  Her words came quickly, energized with the love she felt for her dear friend and mother figure.

 

     “Well, I don’t know that I’m a star driver just yet, but at least I’m not in danger of throwing Carol through the windshield anymore!  Those first two lessons…let me just say your partner has the patience of a saint, Therese.  Or at the very least, she’s earned automatic entrance to heaven!”  She laughed again, loudly and with great joy.  “And it’s good to hear your voice, too, dear one.  I’ve been good, and my hip is getting stronger.  Still using the cane, but I think I’m a bit less reliant on it.  I think the driving has helped, unexpectedly.  Just pressing the gas, using the clutch, turning the wheel…all of it seems to be making my muscles a bit firmer.  Heaven knows, I still resemble a bowling ball of sorts though.”  She sighed.  “It’s that dratted sweet tooth of mine.  And potatoes!  Mm!  I love potatoes!  And bread and butter.  And…oh, now I’m getting started on food and that’s never a good thing, dear!  So, tell me instead why you’ve called,” she instructed with exasperation and kindness in her voice.

 

     Therese paused, uncertain how or where to begin.  “Well, Alicia, I had this experience I wanted to tell you about.  It was…special.  And I think spiritual, but I’m not so good at figuring that out.  I’ve never felt like a particularly spiritual person,” she said truthfully.  But the nun demurred immediately.  “Therese, we’re all spiritual people, and having known you for so long and so well, I’d say you have quite a well- developed spiritual self.  You just don’t recognize it as such, dear one.  But tell me…” she coaxed.

 

     So, Therese proceeded to share the details of her “beach experience,” as she’d come to think of it, taking her time, thankful that Alicia was such a skilled listener and steeped in life-long wisdom on the topic.  Therese ended her tale with questions.  “Alicia, what do you think happened out there?  Do you think it was… _God?”_ She sounded so spooked that the old nun laughed.  “Oh, my dear, you sound completely flummoxed.  And what if it was… _God?_ What then?”

 

     Therese fidgeted on the sofa, making Sparky open one eye curiously.  Petting his head to console herself, the young woman answered, “Well, I wasn’t really planning on hearing from…him, or…her, or it, I guess.  I’m not even sure I want to, you know…believe.  I know that probably sounds terrible, Alicia, and I’m sorry.  I just want to be honest.”

 

     The nun hummed in understanding.  “It’s quite alright, Therese.  We’ve always been honest with each other.  And I should hope that after all these years you know me well enough that I’m quite content to let you be exactly where you are.  That’s _love,_ darling!Accepting someone right where they are.  And I love you tremendously!” She paused, as if contemplating her words carefully. 

     “Dear one, let me say first that just because you don’t believe in God, it doesn’t mean God doesn’t believe in you!  Just because you don’t love God, it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved by God, with the most magnificent love…”  She paused again, contemplating.  “Now, it sounds to me like you had a resurrection experience, to use a Catholic term.  An _awakening,_ yes?  The end of your mother’s hold on you.  And the beginning of, who knows exactly what?  But you must remember that when something ends…something begins.  It’s kind of the spiritual life in a nutshell.  Surrendering to one moment even as the next arises.  Over and over again,” she murmured, and Therese could tell Alicia was momentarily thinking her own thoughts, perhaps of her own journey.

 

     Therese spoke, her own voice deeply contemplative.  “I felt that, Alicia.  The falling and rising happening together.  The falling away of the old chains, the rising of something much lighter.  I feel… _more free.   _That’s it, Alicia.  I feel _more free!_   And it feels wonderful!”  She laughed then, and the old nun could hear the release, the lightness, the joy, the movement of the Spirit.  In her room at the convent, she made the sign of the cross, then kissed the cross hanging around her neck with gratitude.

 

     “Therese my dear, God is always surprising me.  Always.  And the older I get, the more I feel like I don’t really know anything.  But I can tell you this for sure: God wants you to find God in freedom.  Not in coercion, or in some ritualized way that takes your freedom from you.  So, celebrate your new freedom, darling!  It’s new life!  If you pray, say thank you.  And ask to know what this new life is about for you…ask to be shown.  When you’re ready to see the answer, it will be revealed.  Stay open.”

 

     Hundreds of miles away, Therese sat on the sofa where she was now half draped on top of Sparky, who didn’t seem to mind at all.  She smiled.  “Alicia,” she responded, her tone rich and heavy with memory, “you told me that when I was like…12, I think!”

 

     The nun smiled herself.  “Well, chances are you weren’t listening then.  You were too busy raising hell with Billy!  Ach!  You two!”  She chuckled before finishing her thought.  “Trust me though.  That’s a spiritual truth that was as true then as it is now.  It will always be true.  Have faith, darling.”

 

     The younger woman sighed deeply.  “I will, Alicia.  I promise.  And I love you!”

 

     “I love you, too, dear.  Bye-bye.”  Hanging up the phone, Alicia crossed herself again.  _Deo gracias!  Deo gracias!_

                                      _________________________________________________

 

     After a wonderful dinner of roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and glazed carrots, with apple pie for dessert, the two women headed to the beach with Sparky for his evening walk.  It was already dark out and the cold November wind blustered off the Atlantic, churning the dark sea and whipping up the waves so that the whitecaps glistened in the moonlight that appeared periodically, whenever the shifting clouds allowed.  Sparky trotted on his leash, barking at the waves, completely oblivious to the cold and wind which seemed to bite at Carol and Therese.

 

     “Good heavens, it’s cold out!” Carol exclaimed.  She laughed at the dog.  “And my man here doesn’t seem to mind out at all!”  Therese gave a shout of laughter.  “ _Your man?_ Wow, Carol!  All it took was a few days for you to abandon me for the other side!  Now Sparky is your _man!”_   The dog heard his name, turning like a hulking battleship, and came immediately to stand in front of the women, his tongue hanging out, tail wagging, and huge head bent slightly and ready to be petted.

 

     Reaching out with a gloved hand, Therese ran her fingers through his thick fur coat, then bent to hug him, her arms coming around his wide neck and squeezing tightly.  She breathed out a cold sigh.  “Oh, Sparky, I’m really going to miss you!  Even if you did steal _my woman_!”  The dog leaned against her leg, the weight of his body exerting enough pressure to knock the wispy young woman slightly off-balance.  Laughing, Therese thrust her hip back at Sparky, but it was like slamming into a brick wall.

 

     “I’d be careful, darling.”  Carol observed wryly. “If you get into a shoving battle with him, he’s likely to fling you halfway to England.”

 

     The younger woman chuckled.  “Oh, I know!  Have you gotten used to the size of him yet?  I haven’t!  But still, Carol… Sparky could come visit us in our apartment, right?  If he ever needed to?  If Elaine had to come into the city, she could bring him, right?  And he could stay with us while she did her errands or whatever.  Don’t you think he could?”

 

     Hearing the sadness in her lover’s voice, Carol put her arm around her shoulders.  “Of course, he could, sweetheart.  I’ll miss him, too… and I’d love for Rindy to meet him!  She would adore Sparky,” she finished, a wistful melancholy coming through.  Peering up at her in the darkness, Therese could see the shadowed sadness on Carol’s lovely face, illuminated by the moment’s moonlight.  A protective love washed over her as she slipped her arms around her waist, and a fleeting anger shot through her as she gave Carol a gentle squeeze.  _Goddamn Harge.  I’ve had it with you hurting her._

Reaching up to kiss the taller woman’s cold cheek, Therese hugged her tightly again.  “I miss her too, Carol.  Phone calls are one thing, but it’s not nearly enough.  Not for you, not for Rindy.”  A thought came to her now, rising up within, reverberating like a monastery bell across her inner landscape.  It made her shiver noticeably, and Carol asked, “Are you too cold, sweetheart?  I thought so.  Let’s head back.  I’m cold, too.”  The older woman bent to kiss Therese’s cheek, her lips a mere wisp, and then she whispered, “Besides darling, I seem to recall you making promises about tonight...”

 

     Therese smiled in the darkness, tugging on Sparky’s leash.  She had no intention of breaking her promise.

 

 

  1. 11



 

     Carol turned over in bed, still in the midst of slumber but moving slowly out of her night’s sleep.  Her nose twitched, stimulated by the scent wafting into the bedroom, one she had yet to identify but which added pleasant images to her dream.  The scent grew stronger as she became more awake, and eventually words and images filled her consciousness.  Coffee.  Bacon.  Eggs.    She opened her eyes, her senses transmitting the most enticing data to her brain.  Taking a deep breath, the beautiful, blond woman allowed herself a luxurious stretch.  She noticed some sore muscles from the previous day.  Two long walks on the beach and last night’s passionate lovemaking with Therese were lingering still, though not unpleasantly.  She would do it all over again…and then some.

 

     Carol was just about to get out of bed when the bedroom door was thrust open.  Sparky trotted in and came to the foot of the bed, where he used the old trunk as a stepstool and heaved himself on the comforter with such force the woman’s body bounced upward slightly.  Following quickly behind him was Therese.  She was dressed in her dark blue robe and a pair of slippers, and she carried a breakfast tray laden with a heaping plate of food, a coffee pot, two cups, a pitcher of cream, and two sets of silverware. 

 

     The younger woman smiled sweetly as she sang out, “Good morn-ing!  Hi, love!  Breakfast is served!”  Carol’s face broke into a smile that spanned her face from west to east, and her blue-gray eyes lit up despite her drowsiness.  Sparky jumped to his feet excitedly, making the mattress plunge under his shifting weight.  “WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!” he barked excitedly. 

 

     “That’s dog for ‘Food! Food!  Food!’” Carol observed in good humor.  Therese stopped just short of the bedside, well aware there was no way the two of them could eat with the gigantic dog able to access their food.  Making eye contact with Carol, she said, “Okay, he can’t stay, unfortunately, or neither of us will get any of this food.  Do me a favor?  Can you grab a piece of bacon and lure him to the door with it?”  Nodding, the older woman threw back the covers, sliding gracefully from bed, grabbing the bacon from the tray and bringing it over so Sparky could smell it.  “C’mon, boy.  Mm!  Bacon for you!”  Sparky sprang from the bed, landing with a “thud!” in a cloud of black fur, then trotted quickly to the door, where Carol led him outside before tossing the bacon on the floor and closing the door behind her.

 

     Therese had put the breakfast tray on the bed, and now she stood transfixed, taken once again at the sight of a naked Carol, somehow resplendent, her golden blond hair in tangles and a slight blush to her cheeks, her limbs long and slender, her pale skin looking like velvet cream in the milky light of the cold November morning. The older woman shivered slightly.  “Br-r.  It’s chilly in here!”  Therese appeared not to notice, walking over to her lover as if in a trance.

 

     “Carol,” the younger woman whispered, “you are… _exquisite_!  It’s like I’m…sleeping with Venus.”  She leaned into her, pulling her into her robed arms, hugging her and reveling in the feel of Carol’s long, naked back beneath her fingers.  Leaning back, Therese reach up, standing on tiptoes to bring their mouths together, brushing against Carol’s lightly before tracing her lips with the tip of her warm tongue.  “I want to have you as an appetizer,” Therese murmured against her lips before coaxing them open and then kissing her with a fierce passion that was somehow incongruent with the pace of this slow, leisurely morning.

 

     Carol moaned.  “Darling, I would love that but…today…there’s no time.” She gasped, trying to catch her breath as Therese’s lips traveled along her cheekbone, and then to her neck and the hollow of her throat.  Carol moaned again.  “Darling, we…can’t.  We need to eat the breakfast you made.  And we need to…pack.  Elaine will be home soon…”  Regret was evident in her voice, but her young lover was undeterred, her hand coming to one of Carol’s breasts, palming it and then twirling its nipple between her thumb and forefinger.  Therese brought her mouth to Carol’s other breast, finding its rosy nipple and biting lightly, but just enough to bring forth a gasp.  _“Jesus!_ Therese!  What are you doing to me?”  A ragged sound came from Carol’s throat, or perhaps it was her chest, husky and deep and pulsing with desire. 

 

     Thoughts of breakfast and packing were far from Therese’s mind, and she was completely unaware of the sound of Sparky’s soft whimper coming from the hallway.  Feverishly, her lips traveled from one of Carol’s breasts to the other, finding its nipple and beginning to suck, the moist sounds like crackling fireworks in the cool, silent bedroom.  She slid still further south, where she buried her face in the tuft of golden hair at the juncture of her lover’s thighs.  She brought her hands up, stroking Carol’s inner thighs, then tonguing along their slender length until the older woman cried out lustily, “Therese!  Therese, please darling! Please!”  Needing no further encouragement, Therese sought the inner recesses of Carol’s most tender parts, intoxicated by the sight, scent, and sounds assaulting her senses now.  Looking up, she saw the blond head thrust back against the wooden door, the full, heavy breasts hanging like exotic fruits below.

 

     Carol thrust her hands into Therese’s silky, short, brunette hair, bringing her lover’s head ever closer, her hips gyrating with need, oblivious to the discomfort of her hipbones grinding against the hard planes of the door.  But suddenly, the younger woman pulled her head back, gazing up at Carol with lust, longing, and love in her eyes.  “Carol, look at me,” she said with an air of command.  When the two women made eye contact, Therese tried to hold it for as long as possible, bringing her lips back to her lover’s center, sinking her tongue into the wet folds she found there.  Soon, Therese moaned with pleasure, a pleasure so intense her eyes shut involuntarily.  Carol spread her legs and a pair of fingers found her, filling her slowly and with such wild eroticism she thought she might stop breathing.

 

     Soon the two lovers were lost in their dance, the timeless, ageless expression of their love.  A sheen of damp perspiration broke out along Carol’ brow, and her chest and neck flushed a deep crimson as tension and excitement built.  “Oh!  Oh, sweetheart!  Oh, that feels so good!  Oh!  Please…please…”  Speech became impossible then, but not sounds, and moans, groans, gasps, and heavy sighs were released into the bedroom.  And then finally, Carol’s head jerked back, her hips jutting out as her body spasmed at the apex of her pleasure.  Holding Therese’s warm head securely in place, she moaned loudly, and tears came to her eyes as emotion overcame her while her body continued to pulsate under the now tender coaxing of Therese’s tongue.

 

     “Sweetheart…sweetheart!” she murmured softly.  Therese looked up, smiling sweetly, and then rose to take the older woman in her arms.  She kissed her cheeks, her temples, and her brow, where she paused to whisper, “Carol?  Are you okay?”  Carol nodded against her lips, her chest heaving still.  “Mm.  Mm-hmm.  That was… _thank you,_ sweetheart.  That was so…just so…” At a loss for words, her husky voice faded.  Therese smiled again, kissing Carol’s cheek lightly, then enfolding her in another embrace.  “I love you, Carol.”

 

     Just then, a loud groan erupted from outside the bedroom door.  The women chuckled together, and Therese noted, “I’ll bet Sparky finished that piece of bacon a long time ago!”  Carol moved, walking to the bed, where she picked up the tray of breakfast food which had gone cold a long time ago.

 

     “Well,” she smiled, “let’s give him more to enjoy then, okay?”

 

 

                                   ______________________________________________

 

     “Bye, Carol!  Bye, Therese!”  Elaine waved with one hand as she petted Sparky’s head with the other.  “And thank you again!  Don’t forget—Thanksgiving here!  With Alicia!  Please, please come!” she shouted.  As if to add his agreement, Sparky pawed at the sandy soil and thrust back his big head.  “WOOF!  WOOF!”

 

     Carol beeped the horn of the big Packard as they drove away, the back seat filled with suitcases and bags jammed shut after being packed in haphazard, hurried fashion.  Pulling smoothly out on the road, she accelerated, a sigh coming from her chest.  “Well, darling.  I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly anxious to get back to the loud, grimy city.”

 

     Therese agreed, a note of melancholy in her voice.  “I know.  I love our apartment and our life in Manhattan, but somehow, after spending time out here, living with all that concrete around seems almost obscene.  Or something.”

 

     The other woman murmured, her spirits momentarily dampened, until she thought of the coming holiday.  “But we can consider Thanksgiving here, right darling?  If it works?”  Therese looked at her, incredulous.  “Carol!  Of course, we can _consider_ it!  It’s not like I have other family to go visit.  You and Alicia _are_ my family.  And Rindy, of course,” she noted with tenderness and in a way that made Carol’s heart clench.  “And now it seems maybe I can add Elaine and Sparky!  Who would have ever believed?” she asked rhetorically, her soft voice fading away as she gazed out the window as thick stands of trees blurred in passing.  _Rindy._ Therese’s brow furrowed, and a wary protectiveness overcame her.  How would she get Carol through the coming holiday without her precious daughter?  The mere thought pained her, and she was certain it was percolating in Carol’s mind, also.

 

     Then her partner spoke.  “The air has suddenly grown very heavy, Therese.  Or is it just me?”  She glanced over briefly, a wan smile gracing her face.  The younger woman reached out, coaxing Carol’s right hand from the steering wheel gently so she could hold it.  “Oh, it’s Rindy.  And you.  And fucking Harge!  And fucking detectives and lawyers and…society, I guess!”

 

     Carol laughed without humor.  “That’s a lot of fucking to do, sweetheart.  I’m not sure I’m up for it.”  She sighed heavily.  “I will miss her, though.  Terribly.  I wish I could just talk some sense into him!” Her whisper was desperate, passionate.  Therese pulled off Carol’s glove, bringing her cool hand to her face, where she kissed its palm, then lay it against her soft cheek.  “Carol, how about if I go _bash_ some sense into him?”  The images that filled her head were comical, and the older woman laughed.  “Maybe you could jump on his back and whack him with a rolled magazine or something, darling.  Or better yet, a thick tree branch.  While swearing!”

 

     Therese’s eyebrows shot up.  “Oh, I’m liking where this is going!  How much violence am I allowed to do?”  Her voice held a note of aggression that Carol had never heard coming from her girlfriend, and it inexplicably made her smile.  She squeezed Therese’s hand companionably.  “Just enough to stay out of jail, sweetheart.  But enough to maim him, for sure,” she finished grimly.  Therese looked out the window again, watching the trees pass, their stands broken here and there by a driveway or road sign.  Her thoughts were heavy, ponderous, and yet calculating.

 

     With another quick glance sideways, Carol interjected, “You’re making me nervous.  Why are you so quiet?”  Therese looked at her partner, her small, brunette head tilted amiably.  She brought Carol’s hand to her lips again, kissing it before bringing their joined hands to the plush seat between them.  “No reason, love.  Just thinking… I was planning on calling Alicia tonight, just to check in and let her know we’re home.  I’m going to ask her who I should pray to about Rindy and you being together.”

 

     A wry laugh erupted from Carol’s breast.  “Ask her if it would be okay if you sic Satan on Harge!”  The smaller woman’s emerald eyes grew wide with amusement, and then deep with wisdom.  _Dear, dear_ _Carol.  When you hurt the most, you deflect with laughter._   She turned slightly in her seat.  “How can I soothe you?  I know!”  Answering her own question, Therese leaned down and rummaged through her handbag until she found a small bottle of lotion.  She turned Carol’s hand palm up, squeezing a small amount of the fragrant mixture there, then spreading it around gently with her fingers before beginning to massage gently.

 

     “Oh,” Carol breathed softly.  “That’s lovely, Therese.  Thank you.  Mm…”  Her voice faded pleasantly as she began to sink into a more relaxed state.  Noticing, the younger woman warned, “Just don’t get too relaxed, Carol!  We may not want to _go_ home, but we need to _get_ there.”

 

     Carol smiled over at her, and it made Therese so glad to see the darkness had faded from her beautiful eyes, which seemed almost clear gray this morning, in stark contrast to her red lipstick.  “Yes, we do.  I think I can manage this… And Therese, thank you!” she said in a voice deep with meaning.

 

                                               __________________________________________

 

     Later that night, Carol came into the bedroom, finding Therese propped up in bed with the phone cradled beneath her chin.   Her young lover smiled sweetly and waved a distracted hand in her direction.  Then she spoke into the phone.  “Are you sure, Alicia?  Do you think it’s a good idea?”  Her voice held a note of diffidence that caught Carol’s attention, and she looked at her inquiringly though she didn’t want to pry.  “Oh, okay.  Yes.  Yes, Alicia,” Therese continued, “you’re right.  As usual!  Yes, of course I will.  She’s standing right here, as a matter of fact.  Want me to ask her?”  Therese covered the mouthpiece with her hand and addressed Carol.  “Alicia wants to know when she should plan on her last two driving lessons.  Any idea?”

 

     Sitting on the edge of the bed and crossing her legs, Carol thought for a moment.  “Well, tomorrow is already Wednesday, and I can’t leave the shop up to Abby alone anymore this week.  How about one next week, and then one the following week.  With a brush-up on Long Island for Thanksgiving!”  She smiled, and Therese was once again taken aback by the unearthly loveliness of her partner.  She shook herself slightly to regain her focus.  “Uh…okay.”  Uncovering the mouthpiece, the younger woman passed on the information, then nodded at Carol, silently mouthing, “Good!”

 

     “Okay, Alicia.  I should be going now.”  She yawned.  “It’s late, and I’m back to work early in the morning.  But I’ll talk to you soon.  Yes, I remember.  St. Jude.  I’m already praying!  Bye, Alicia.  I love you.”  Therese hung up the phone, offering Carol a sweet smile, then bounding upright to kiss her on the cheek with enthusiasm.  “Hi!”

 

     “Hi, yourself!  You’re looking awfully pleased.  What’s up?  And who’s St. Jude?”  Carol reached out to push a silky lock of dark hair behind the shell of Therese’s ear. 

 

     Therese frowned.  “What do you mean, ‘who’s St. Jude?’  St. Jude is a saint!  A Catholic one!”

 

     “Are there saints from other religions, darling?” Carol asked, genuinely curious.  The younger woman shook her head.  “I have no idea.  I didn’t bother to ask Alicia.  I just asked her who I should be praying to about Harge and Rindy.  It’s St. Jude, apparently.  The ‘patron saint of hopeless causes.’  Alicia said she’s been praying to Jude for many years, and really believes in his inter…inter… Shoot!  His inter-something, but I can’t remember what she called it.”

 

     “Well, don’t look at me, sweetheart.  I’m not Catholic.  Maybe Jude and Francis are buddies or something.”  She sighed.  “I’ll pray, too, darling.  God, Jude, Francis, angels, stars…I’ll pray to anyone or anything that might help.  But I don’t like the fact that Jude’s for ‘hopeless causes.’ It makes me nervous, even if it does fit, though.”  Carol frowned, and Therese reached out to take her hand and squeeze it reassuringly.  The younger woman replied, “Alicia warned me that might upset you.  But please, Carol, don’t be.  She said it can also be stated as ‘desperate’ causes, and that fits, doesn’t it?”  Nodding, Carol pulled her partner into her arms, putting her chin on Therese’s slender shoulder and sighing.

 

     “Therese Belivet.  You are a good woman.  A great lover.”  Then she pulled away to gaze in to the deep green eyes, tired-looking now at the end of their very long day.  “And darling, you are a very, very good friend.  Thank you for that.”  Therese smiled almost sleepily, but sounded quite alert as she replied, “Carol, I love being your lover.  But your friend…that’s the best of all.”

 

                                     ___________________________________________

 

     Therese dressed for work a few days later, putting on a very business-like black wool skirt, a cream silk blouse, and an emerald blazer.  She loved this outfit.  It made her feel very confident, and she felt it helped her project an air of competence and experience to counteract her relative youthfulness.  Looking at herself in the mirror above the bureau, she tweaked here and straightened there, muttering, “Well, I may as well _look_ confident because I certainly don’t feel it.”  Running a brush through her hair one last time, she headed for the kitchen, where Carol was sitting eating a piece of toast and drinking her coffee.

 

     Seeing Therese, Carol was slightly taken aback.  She stared at her girlfriend as she poured her coffee, loving how beautiful, classy, and sophisticated she looked.  When the younger woman turned around, she caught the stare.  “Is everything alright, Carol?”  The blond smiled, leaning back in her chair with her coffee cup, her head tilted to the side inquiringly.  “It’s fine, darling.  You’re just looking so stunning this morning.  No one would ever believe this is the same woman who trounces around comfortably with massive dogs and loves to catch frogs in the creek!”  She smiled pleasantly.  “But this _is_ your I’ve-got-an-important-meeting suit, and you haven’t mentioned anything.”

 

     Therese felt butterflies start to batter the inner walls of her stomach as she heard Carol’s words.  She put away the piece of bread she’d taken out for toast, coming instead to sit at the kitchen table with her coffee.  She felt almost ill.  Noticing her girlfriend’s suddenly pale face, Carol asked, “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?  You’re not yourself this morning.”  Therese shrugged.  “Oh, I do have this important meeting, and I’m just nervous.  Hence the big-shot suit.  Are you sure I look okay?”

 

     Carol pulled her chair closer to Therese, reaching out to stroke the back of her hand, which felt cool to the touch.  “You look fabulous, Therese.  What kind of a meeting is this?”  The young brunette took a sip of her coffee before replying.  “It’s a meeting with men. And sometimes I just hate them!  The meetings, I mean, although sometimes I can’t stand the attitudes of the men in them, either.  You know how it is, Carol.  It’s hard being a woman out in what feels very much like a man’s world.”  Now Therese sighed, her hand shaking somewhat as her ceramic mug clattered to the table.

 

       Carol’s eyebrows furrowed with concern.  “Yes, I know it’s hard, darling.  And sometimes I hate it, too.  But no matter how it goes out there, no matter how this meeting goes, we will still get to come home, close the door, and be with each other.”  She squeezed the younger woman’s forearm before leaning over to kiss her lightly on cheek, taking a moment to inhale her sweet scent.  “I’ll be here for you when you get home.  Just the two of us.  And you’re going to be wonderful, Therese.  You are!” she whispered, rubbing her nose in soothing circles on the smooth skin.

 

     Carol glanced at the wall clock, hating the fact it was time for them both to go.  She stood, taking her plate and mug to the sink.  Turning, she said, “I was planning on praying as I drive to work…about my Rindy.  Now I’ll pray for you, too.”  Walking over to Therese once more, Carol kissed her on the top of the head before leaving the room.

 

     Therese sat there until she heard the door close behind Carol, knowing she needed to get up and going herself.  She was glad for Carol’s reminder, though, and took a moment to just close her eyes.  _Well, God, here I go again…not sure I can do something.  If you can help me, please do.  Please do whatever it is you do!  Amen._

 

     As prayers go, she thought perhaps it was lame, but it truly felt like the best she could do.  As she rose to go, she remembered something Alicia had told her years before.  She could still hear her calm, reassuring, supportive voice, softly lilting even now.  _“Therese, remember that at any given time you’re doing the very best you can do, with whatever growth and healing you’ve had up until that moment.  Give yourself that grace.  And give it to others, too.”_

 

     Thank God for Alicia.  Swami.  She hoped she was praying now.

 

                                          ______________________________________________

 

     Later that morning, Therese stood in front of the massive office building in downtown Manhattan.  It was imposing, she supposed, much like the countless other buildings she’d been in as a photographer for the Times, the gray granite edifice looking grimy to her practiced eye, which so sought beauty.  Making her way inside with a small crowd of strangers, she shivered, attempting to shake off November’s cold and the inner chill she seemed to be aware of all day thus far.

 

     On the large directory posted on a nearby wall, she found the name and location she was seeking, and then boarded an elevator loaded with the typical teeming mass of New Yorkers.   It smelled, she thought, like stale cigarettes, wet hair, rubber rain moccasins, damp wool, and body odor.  Like sardines in a classroom, the elevator’s inhabitants stood facing forward and dared not speak with one another lest they find themselves in trouble with the teacher.  For some reason, this visual image made her smile, amused both by the ridiculousness of some unspoken social rules, and her own unwillingness to break them.

 

     Emerging on her designated floor, Therese shifted her briefcase to her other hand as she combed her still damp, cold fingers through her short hair.  She supposed it would be prudent to stop in the ladies’ room and take a quick look in the mirror, but a glance at her watch told her she’d then be late for her appointment.  She trudged on down the long, carpeted hallway until she found the correct office suite, which she entered right on time.  A sign on the rather stark, steel gray, metal desk informed her the secretary was out and she should be seated.

 

     With a deep breath, Therese settled into an easy chair, sinking into its confines gratefully.  She had been out at several appointments and her feet were aching from walking so far in her stylish pumps.  But she tried to change the direction of her thoughts, focusing on the meeting ahead.  She had been praying all morning and now felt a surprising calm wash over her.  Surprised, the young woman whispered, _thank you,_ just as the inner office door was opened and a tall gentleman in a navy-blue suit emerged.

 

     “Miss Belivet?  Or should I call you Therese?”

 

     Standing, Therese thrust her chin out slightly, holding her head up with grace and confidence.  “That depends, Mr. Aird.  Shall I call you Harge?” _Or fucking Harge?_ A slight smirk appeared on Harge’s classically handsome face, and Therese could have sworn she saw a quicksilver gleam of admiration in his dark eyes.  He set his broad shoulders, his jaw clenching, and with a wave of his hand directed her into his large office.  “Let’s just try to be civil, no matter what we call each other, okay?”  He was issuing a directive and certainly not making a request.

 

     Harge’s office was overwhelmingly male, with plush carpeting, dark, heavy, wood furniture, a very large, sparsely appointed desk, and a sideboard upon which sat several decanters of alcohol.  Built in bookshelves held thick books, their titles predominately having to do with economics and real estate, and floor-to-ceiling windows afforded Therese a view of the windows of other office buildings within which other power brokers worked feverishly.  It struck her that there wasn’t a single piece of evidence that Hargess Aird had a private life.  Not even a picture of dear, dear Rindy.

_This is a power office.  It’s meant to send a message.  St. Jude, St. Jude, please be with me.  I need you now_.

 

     Sitting behind the massive desk, Harge got right to the point, good breeding directing his speech and actions. “Please, Therese, tell me what brings you by.  I can’t believe this is a place you would ever want to come without good reason,” he noted without humor.  “Is Carol okay?”

 

     Therese was taken by surprise that he would ask after Carol.  After all he had put her through with the divorce and child custody issues, after all he had purposely put them both through, concern was not something she expected.  Taking a deep breath, she made eye contact.  “Carol is fine, Harge.  For the most part.”

 

      She hesitated now, uncertain how to state the reason for her visit, and forgetting in the blink of an eye the entire script she had practiced with Alicia.  _Shit! Shit, shit!_ Swallowing, the young woman continued, “Well, no, Carol is decidedly _not fine_ , Harge.  She has a broken heart, and she misses her daughter more than I can say, much more than I even know, I’m sure.”  Straightening her slender shoulders, Therese tucked a stray lock of hair behind an ear and looked the older man confidently in the eye.  “That’s what I’m here to address.  Rindy.  _Rindy and Carol._   A mother and her daughter, and the life they could be having together.” 

 

     Therese’s nostrils flared, and she was surprised to feel a calming strength wash over her, as if a portal had opened and silver-white light was being poured from the crown of her head, down through her neck and spine and through her legs and feet, shooting through the plush carpeting and concrete and steel, down into the earth, down, down, where it joined with its source and burst forth like starlight running in rivulets, tunneling out through the dark soil and illuminating every cold crevice where light had never been.

 

     She couldn’t seem to stop the images that came to her then, of the children she had grown up with, the forgotten children in the orphanage. That very young Therese, holding Sr. Alicia’s hand, looking at the camera with huge, empty eyes.  Billy!  Thin, scraggly, his thick blond hair forever messy and smelling like the creek, like the wind.  There was a Monica, wasn’t there?  Black, curly hair, pale, almost translucent skin and huge violet eyes.  Mary.  Emma.  Richard.  Thomas.  Marie.  Andrew.  Joseph.  Irene. 

_Who spoke for the children?  Who was it that gave them a voice?  Who spoke for Rindy?_

“Therese?”

 

     Harge’s voice penetrated her reminiscences then, and she looked at him blankly for a moment, as if she had forgotten who he was.  She could feel two sides of her at war.  She wanted to scream at him, to pummel his chest and tear at his perfectly combed black hair, to slap his face and call him ‘fucking Harge’ and scream some more about the terrible pain he was putting Carol through.  The pain he had put her through.

 

     And then, unexpectedly, the other side of her spoke.  “Do you know anything about me, Harge?”

 

     Therese peered across the huge desk, watching Harge lean back in his power chair and run his hand across the back of his neck.  He reached for the knot of his navy tie, pulling at it as if to loosen it.  When he made eye contact, she saw a gleam of belligerence, and perhaps hatred in his dark eyes, just before he answered, “I know you love my wife.”

 

     Therese’s eyebrows shot up before she replied, “She’s your _ex-wife._ And yes, I love Carol very, very much.  I want to see her happy, more than I can tell you.”  She stopped, shifted, made herself more comfortable in the side chair, and ran her fingers through her hair.   _Help me, St. Jude._ Taking a deep, somehow cleansing breath, the young woman spoke with authority now.  “I grew up without a mother, Harge.  In an orphanage, with countless other motherless children.”  Therese saw the fleeting surprise on his face, the way his shoulders dropped slightly.  “I’m here for Rindy!  For Rindy and Carol!  I’m here to tell you that your little girl deserves a life with her mother, with a mother who adores her, loves her, will always do what’s in Rindy’s best interests…”

 

      _Oh, god, what am I doing, where is this coming from?_ Therese felt like she was floating up above herself, looking down at a young woman she didn’t know.  And yet she felt warm, solid, steeped in the truth of her own life, claiming its power and strength.  “It leaves a hole, you know…growing up without a loving mother.  It leaves a wound…a gaping wound...” 

 

     She clenched her teeth, venturing onward.  “Rindy doesn’t have to grow up that way.  She has a mother!  Carol loves her deeply!  Longs for her, cries because she misses her so, would do anything for that child!  For Christ’s sake, _Mr. Aird,_ what kind of man are you, anyway?  What kind of father are you?  What father would keep a child from her loving mother?” 

 

     Therese realized she was sweating, she felt the dampness in her armpits, the beads of perspiration on her forehead.  Her heart was pumping furiously, and every muscle in her body buzzed as if electrified, and she suddenly felt as if she could light the entire island of Manhattan with just the touch of her fingertip.  She looked over at Harge again, and it was as if she had never seen him before.  He was strikingly handsome, wearing an expertly tailored suit, its shirt so white it practically gleamed.  Thick, black hair, deftly barbered, a smoothly shaved complexion, the square, rugged jaw, the large, muscular shoulders, the trim, fit, strong body.

_Then why does he look so small?_ Therese blinked, perplexed for a moment.  And then she realized Harge was speaking.

 

     “I don’t want to keep her away, Therese.  I don’t want Rindy to grow up without Carol in her life.  She loves her.  She needs her.  She talks about her all the time.  I don’t want to keep them apart.”

 

     Confused, Therese shook her head.  “Then why?”  Harge looked miserably around his office, taking a deep breath, then releasing a sigh, his eyes wandering to the ceiling, the walls, the floor, unable to make eye contact.  When he replied, his voice was quiet and hard to hear.  “It’s my mother.”

 

     Astonished, the young brunette sat back in her chair, wondering if she had heard correctly.   She paused a beat, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, licking her upper lip while she stared at the handsome man who sat across from her, looking at the floor.  “Your mother? This is about _your mother?”_   Harge looked directly at her then, and his voice seemed to hold a wealth of knowledge.

 

     “Yes, Therese, _my mother._   She hates Carol.  She hates you.  She hates your lifestyle and doesn’t want Rindy anywhere around the two of you.”  There was misery in his voice, which also sounded whiny at this point.

 

     Later, Therese would tell Carol and Alicia it was the whininess that must have made her snap.  Before she could stop herself, she blurted out, “Your mother?  You won’t let Rindy have time with Carol because of your mother?  _For Christ’s sake, Harge, maybe you need to grow a pair!”_ Realizing what she’d said, Therese slapped a hand over her mouth, her dark, emerald eyes wide with shock, her chest heaving with agitation.  Neither of them said a single word.  They just stared at each other across the big, mahogany desk, and to Therese it seemed, in that moment, to be as wide and vast as the Iowa cornfields she and Carol had driven passed, perhaps a lifetime ago now.

 

     And then, in a moment she would tell Carol and Alicia was just as astounding, Hargess Aird threw back his handsome head and laughed.  A full, hearty, manly laugh that reverberated through the office, bouncing off the walls and back to Therese’s shocked ears.  She sat still, staring at him, not speaking and too stunned to join him.  He laughed and laughed, and when he finally stopped, Harge looked at Therese with a gleam of admiration in his eyes.

 

     “Therese Belivet.  You are a piece of work.  No wonder you and Carol found each other.” 

 

     Therese felt him staring at her, expecting her to respond, but for the life of her she had no idea what to say.  So she gazed down at her hands, clasped together on her lap while a million thoughts seemed to shoot through the confines of her brimming mind.  When she lifted her eyes, she happened to spot the liquor decanters again.  “Would you be kind enough to offer me a drink?” she asked in a voice that was somehow both strong and shaky.

 

     Arching his eyebrows in amusement, Harge nodded, getting to his feet and walking the short distance to the sideboard.  He held up a decorative decanter filled with an amber colored liquid.  “Whiskey okay?”  Therese nodded gratefully and watched him fill two tumblers, picking up a small blue paper napkin and handing it to her along with the glass.  When he was seated once more behind his desk, they both sipped their whiskey in silence for a few moments.

 

     Finally, Therese opened her mouth.  “This isn’t easy, being here.  I don’t trust you, Harge…there’s absolutely no reason I should.  But for whatever reason, I also don’t want to hurt you…now…I probably should.”  She looked at him, as if expecting he could clear up her confusion.  “But I don’t,” she murmured, still clearly mystified.  Her heart, as it was, felt soft and pliable, and had lost the brittleness with which it armored itself when she had entered his office.

 

     Harge’s voice cut into her thoughts, inquisitive and transparent.  “Do you always do this much staring, Therese?  Do you…think this much?”  She heard the soft edges of his questions, and the harsh lines around him blurred, like a watercolor painting or a photo taken at twilight.  With a small, self-conscious smile, Therese replied, “Oh, yes.  Yes, I do!  It’s an occupational hazard.  Photography, you know…I think, I stare, I shoot.”  Staring some more, it finally struck her that Harge had lost his hardness, too, the belligerent set of his shoulders having given way to a far more relaxed look.  He looked more approachable.

 

     And so, Therese chose to approach, for better or for worse.  Taking a deep breath, she said, “Harge, I’m really not here for me, you know.  This is all about Rindy, all about Carol, and the life they could have together.  I don’t think I could be at peace anymore without at least speaking my piece.  Carol has no idea I’m even here…I just hurt for her.  And yes, the motherless child in me hurts for Rindy.  I can’t help it.  She could experience _so much love_ with her mom.  She’s missing out on so much.”

 

     “Look,” she ventured on, “I have no idea what hold your mother has over you.  I get it, though…that kind of power…the wounding that can come from it.”  She tilted her head, a look of irony on her face.  “We are _so different_ , and I think perhaps you hate me on some level, for who I am… But we’re the same, too.  We have a wound in common.”  As if she could hardly bear sitting anymore, Therese stood gracefully, smoothing her skirt and placing her empty whiskey glass on Harge’s desk.  Her green eyes looked dark and poignant.  “I don’t know, Harge.  Maybe it’s in our wounding that we _all_ have the most in common.”

 

     He rose, too, seemingly towering over his desk and over Therese.  His smile was polite, though, and he gave a graceful bow of his head in indication he was listening and considering her words.  “I’ll think about what you’ve said,” he responded, his voice deep and serious.  “And Therese…I don’t hate you.”  Shrugging uncertainly, she turned to go. 

 

     While Therese looked around for her coat and handbag, a thought formed in her head, in her heart.  As she moved to the door, she stopped, having decided she needed to share it.  Turning, she looked up at the tall, dark-haired man with conviction.

 

     “Harge, have you ever heard of St. Jude?”  Therese couldn’t have said anything more surprising, and he looked at her with a dumbfounded expression on his attractive face.  Furrowing his thick, black eyebrows, he shook his head, saying, “Uh—who?”  She smiled pleasantly, and all of a sudden, it felt like a pair of tiny wings had taken hold of her heart and carried it high, high above them.  Above their history, above their differences, above their fears.  Above, and then above.

 

     Therese smiled sweetly, her dimples bursting forth like crescent moons.  “St. Jude!” she answered brightly.  “He’s a Catholic saint.  A friend told me about him not so long ago.  Catholics pray to him when they have a particularly desperate situation to deal with.  In all honesty, I prayed to him for days about coming here to see you, and I’ll keep praying, for Carol and Rindy.  And you.  I’ll pray for you, too, okay?” 

 

     Harge had been staring at her as if she had morphed into an alien creature, too taken aback to say much of anything.  But now he looked at the young woman kindly, and his tone was gentle.  “I had no idea you prayed, Therese.  And I really don’t know what I think about this St. Jude fellow.”  He shook his head, bemused.  “But yes, Therese, it’s okay.  It’s okay to pray for me.  Thank you.”

 

     Giving him one last smile, Therese opened the door and turned to go.

 

 

 

  1. 12



 

     Carol sighed as the first raindrops hit the windshield of the Packard, splattering with exclamation points and then being flattened by the wind.  It wasn’t exactly the best weather to be teaching Alicia to drive in, but thankfully, she mused, the older woman had developed a certain competency.  This was their next-to-last lesson, and if truth be told, Carol was both relieved and saddened.  Saddened because she would miss the nurturing time in Alicia’s company, and relieved to get a break from the challenge.

 

     The blond woman was surprised at the direction of her thoughts, but the truth was it _was_ challenging to be with Alicia!  She seemed to have the power to encourage Carol to grow and change, sometimes subtly, and sometimes in not-so-subtle ways.  She thought about how just earlier that morning, while sitting and enjoying a cup of coffee and cigarette with Abby, her oldest friend had commented, _You’re_ _changing, Carol.  You even look different…softer and less brittle._

As she turned in to the long, scenic driveway to Pace di Christo, Carol mulled over the fact that she wasn’t certain she _wanted_ to change.  She certainly didn’t want to look brittle, the very thought of which had her picturing dried-out, weathered wood.  Ugh!  But she had wildly mixed feelings about becoming “softer.”  Soft was good if it was Therese’s skin, but soft could also get you hurt badly in life… A piercing image of Harge’s face shot through her awareness just as she pulled to a stop in front of the convent’s door.  _No,_ _soft wasn’t smart.  At least, not always._

But Carol pushed these thoughts aside as she watched Alicia come toward her.  She couldn’t help but smile at the round, old nun, clad in just her long robe and habit, her thick black shoes clunking on the pavement along with her cane, a brown shopping bag held heavily in one of her hands.  She definitely seemed to be walking much better than she had been in the late spring, and there appeared to be a jauntiness to her step Carol couldn’t remember ever seeing before.  Alicia pulled the car door open with a flourish, letting in a blast of cold air and rain that came as a jolt to her companion.  Carol could practically feel the joyous energy vibrate off Alicia’s body, and it was confirmed when she sang out, “HEL-LOOOO!  Hi, Carol dear!  It’s lovely to see you!” 

 

     With color high in her smooth, rounded cheeks, her blue eyes twinkling merrily, and her black-and-white habit blown awry, Carol thought Alicia resembled a Catholic leprechaun, if there even was such a thing.  Her smile was huge, and she seemed to clatter into the car so haphazardly, the enormous interior of the Packard shrank immediately.Stunned out of her melancholy, Carol returned the nun’s smile, and replied, “Well, hello to you, too!  It’s lovely to see you, Alicia!  It seems like forever!”  She smiled again, unable to resist.

 

     Reaching over to give Carol’s hand a squeeze, Alicia responded, “I know, doesn’t it?  I’ve missed you, dear! And my Therese!  But I’m so glad you had that time out at Elaine’s, and the chance to meet Sparky!  You must tell me about him before our time is up.” The blond woman put the car in gear, steering smoothly away from the curb as she said, “I will, I will!  He’s an enormous lug, Alicia.  Now…I assume we’re headed back out to the country roads for our lesson?”

 

     The older woman nodded.  “You’re the teacher.  You tell me…what do I still need?”

 

     Carol pursed her lips thoughtfully.  “I think we should pack several things in.  Speed, city, and definitely parking skills.  You almost took a few cars out the last time we tried,” she remembered with a shudder.  Predictably, Alicia gave a shout of laughter, her own mind going back to her close calls.  “I did, didn’t I?  Well, today will be better!”  Then she gave another burst of laughter, the robust nature of which made it irresistible to Carol, who joined in.  “Alicia, I’ve never met anyone who could laugh at themselves so freely, and seem to enjoy it!  How do you do it?” she asked as she steered the big blue vehicle smoothly around a hairpin turn.

 

     Alicia quieted, pausing to ponder her thoughts before speaking.  She closed her eyes, and Carol glanced over to see a small smile paying about her lips.  Sighing, the nun ventured, “Carol dear, a few years ago I hit my lowest point ever.  Really.  I had a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual breakdown.  But I was loved in that place…I had a wonderful spiritual director, a wonderful physician…a close friend who accepted me there.  Just as I was.  I was so…broken open.”  She shook her head, and a rich wave of memory seemed to flow through the car’s interior.  “So depleted…I felt like I was nothing, could do nothing.  And to be loved in that place…by others…but most profoundly by God…it was so healing.”  She smiled, beaming into the small space between them so brilliantly that Carol swore she felt the energy.  Reaching over, Alicia squeezed Carol’s shoulder lightly.

 

     “Once you’ve been totally broken, and loved there…I tend to not take myself so seriously anymore.  I’ve seen myself at my best, and I’ve certainly been at my worst!  I know I’m no better than anyone else, Carol.  That’s so freeing!  Really!  I think so much of my joy comes from having gotten over myself.  I know I’m just bungling my way through life, like everyone else… And I feel the embrace of a loving, vulnerable God.”  She stopped to smile again, this time even more brilliantly.  “I wish I could give this gift to everyone!”

 

     Deeply moved, Carol smiled out of gratefulness.  She pulled the car into a parking lot and brought it to a stop before speaking.  “Alicia, I was just thinking as I drove up here about how I’m not too crazy about being soft…you know…accessible or…vulnerable.  It just feels too risky.”

 

     The nun replied, “Ahh.  Well, there’s a wise soft and a stupid soft, isn’t there?  Times when it doesn’t serve anyone’s best interests for you to be soft, right?”  Seeing Carol nod, Alicia smiled again, her cheeks looking like two ripe apples dangling on the loveliest of trees.  “You’ll figure it out as you go, Carol.  You really will.  And we can talk anytime you want!”  She sighed, and then set her face purposefully.  “Now, it’s time for parking practice!”

 

     “For better or worse,” Carol replied with a playful roll of her eyes.  “But today we’ll shoot for better!”

 

                                    _________________________________________________

 

     Alicia steered the Packard quite competently through the streets of Albany.  So competently, that Carol was moved to remark, “Alicia, you’ve got it, you know.  Everything!  There hasn’t been a single time today when I’ve felt the need to guide you differently, and your parallel parking was perfect.  I know we had decided on one more lesson after today, but honestly, I don’t see the need.  What do you think?” she asked, looking over at Alicia.  The nun was dutifully scanning the road ahead, her eyes darting left and right at crossroads, on the lookout for cars and pedestrians.  But she smiled, for what seemed to Carol as the hundredth time in the short while they’d been together.

 

     “Carol dear, I feel I have to leave that one up to you, as my teacher.  I’ve got to get my passing marks from you!  If you think I’m ready, then so be it.  I can tell you I feel ready to be on my own, to drive the other sisters.”  She paused, her brow furrowing as she obviously remembered something of importance.  “I forgot to tell you, didn’t I?  Oh, yes!  I did!  Didn’t I?”  Her words came out in an excited rush.

 

     Thoroughly confused, her companion crooked an elegant eyebrow so that it almost reached a wayward golden blond curl that was laying gracefully upon her forehead.  Then she laughed, her blue-gray eyes twinkling in delight.  “Alicia, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, so yes, I would guess you’ve forgotten to tell me whatever it is,” she responded, another chuckle rising easily from her chest.

 

     Alicia took an excited breath before speaking.  “Oh, Carol, it’s so wonderful!  I’ve been trying for months now to get approval from my doctors, and more specifically from Mother Superior, to allow me to get back _out there._ And finally, finally…the answer is ‘yes!’  They think I’m ready!  And I think I’m ready!  And I know the Holy Spirit has me primed and ready!”  Spotting an empty parking space in front of one of the local banks, Alicia pulled the big car in with dexterity.  After putting it in park, she turned to Carol, who stared at the little nun with bemusement, completely bewildered but not unsurprised by her unexpected actions.  She seemed to be operating on an unearthly energy today, as if guided by signals from some other planetary realm.

 

     Clasping her hands together, Alicia beamed like a five-year old on Christmas morning, her eyes shining with such joy it seemed light beams were shooting from her irises.  “And also…it’s just such perfect timing I can’t tell you, Carol…the Lord wants me here, I feel it…”  She stopped momentarily, and her companion could sense that perhaps Alicia was feeling somewhat self-conscious.  The nun shook her head sheepishly before observing, “I’m babbling, aren’t I, dear?”

 

     Carol smiled in response.  “You are, Alicia, and I love it!  No wonder you and Therese have been so close.  She’s like a younger you!  Very good at babbling, especially when excited…”

 

     The nun nodded her agreement.  “Oh, I know, and when she was little, she’d interrupt constantly and sometimes wet her pants when she got too excited!  Blessed little thing!”  Her eyes filled with memories, almost as if a projection reel was playing in her mind.  With deep feeling, she said, “Carol, you’ve got yourself a true gem… the two of you belong together…”  She closed her eyes, focusing on slowing her breathing and relaxing.  And then she added, “My spiritual director tells me that when I’m feeling the Spirit alive within, I’m likely to blast people out of the room.  It’s a growing edge for me.  Calming my energies…so they don’t burn out of control…”

 

     The younger woman was stunned, and blurted out, _“You_ have growing edges, Alicia?”

 

      Which made the nun burst out laughing, and then reply, “Well, of course!  If I didn’t I may as well be dead!  Heaven’s sakes!  But anyhow,” Alicia stated emphatically, throwing her work-reddened hands into the air as if tired of speaking of herself, “one of our ministries is working with the immigrants from St. Matthew’s Parish here in Albany.  Helping them with food, clothing, housing, jobs…really, any way we can.  They come from the settlement houses and often are so alone, with no family to support them.”  Now Alicia beamed again.  “And Mother Superior has granted permission for myself and two of the other nuns…Therese may have met them…yes, I think she did… Anyhow, we will be heading up the drive at the church to gather donations.  And then, and this is the part I truly feel called to—we will deliver them to different families, and work with them on an ongoing basis, if they’ll have us.” 

 

     The little nun closed her eyes then, the color high in her cheeks and her lips as red as rich, ripe raspberries, Carol thought.  When she looked at Carol again, her eyes were filled with tears, the deep blue shimmering like the ocean at dusk.  “The Lord wants me here, Carol.  _I know this!_ And I thought maybe you and Therese…that is, the two of you could help, too.  If you want.  If you feel so called!”  She stopped again, trying to gauge her companion’s response through eye contact.  Carol, though, was so taken by surprise she could only stutter, “Oh, Alicia…I don’t know.  I can’t see what I could possibly have to offer.  Therese, for sure…but…me?”

 

     The older woman reached out to clasp one of Carol’s hands.  “But of course— _YOU!_  Why not you, dearest?  And if not you—who then?  Who is the Lord supposed to wait for?  You just don’t see yourself through my eyes, through God’s eyes.  You and Therese would both be perfect, Carol!”  She paused to think, her lips pursed almost comically, like a pitcher peering in at the batter.  Then she gave a _humph,_ releasing a ponderous breath as if she’d made a decision.

 

     “Look.  That bag there,” she stated, motioning with her head to the floor on the passenger side of the car where her large, brown, paper shopping bag sat, “is filled with canned foods and cereals, a few fresh vegetables.  There’s one family that’s particularly in need, and I was going to ask you if you’d be willing to stop by with me?  It won’t take too long.  They live close by _,_ and we won’t be there longer than ten or fifteen minutes or so.”  She tilted her head now, a calm, pleasant smile on her face.  “Would you stop with me, dear?”

 

     Despite the pang of fear that shot through her belly, Carol nodded.  Softly, she replied, “Yes, Alicia.  Of course, I will.”

 

                                            ____________________________________________

 

     In a few minutes, Alicia was pulling the Packard to a stop in front of a block of one-story tenement houses on the outskirts of town, over the railroad tracks in an area where Carol would never think of going.  Privately, she was appalled at the thought of the little, aged nun coming here by herself, or even with two other sisters.  She was too vulnerable with her arthritic hip, hobbling on a cane.  Carol felt a chill go through her bones thinking of how vulnerable Alicia really was.  Damping down the images of robberies, beatings, and more unspeakably awful things, Carol squared her shoulders and told herself to be brave.  _I can handle this.  Right, God?_ She was startled to hear herself invoking God’s help, but had no time to ponder this as Alicia was asking her to grab the shopping bag and follow her to the front door.

 

     After knocking, the little nun glanced at Carol and then clucked her tongue sympathetically.  She reached up to place a hand on one of the younger woman’s cold cheeks, and passionately whispered, “Carol, darling!  Please don’t worry.  You’ll be wonderful.  You must trust me!  I’m here with you, aren’t I?  And what’s more important, the Spirit is!  It’s all going to be—”

 

     Her words were cut off when the door was opened, revealing a small child who looked up timidly, his black curly hair unkempt and brown eyes cautious.  He wore trousers that appeared to be two sizes too large, and a pale blue, button-down shirt which hung from his thin frame woefully.  His feet were clad only in stockings, torn and threadbare in various places.  “Yes?” he greeted them politely, “Can I help you?”  His voice was soft, with the lilt of an Irish accent evident.  Carol’s heart lurched painfully, as the child had to be close to Rindy’s age and looked so thin she ached to feed him.

 

     From behind him came the sound of an infant crying, and a female voice shouting, “Henry?  Where’ve you gotten yourself off to?  Come help mama!  Come make faces at baby Maggie!”  Looking uncertain, the boy scampered off toward his mother’s voice, leaving Alicia and Carol standing at the open door. 

 

     Taking matters into her own hands, Alicia called out, “Mrs. Kelley?  Louise?  It’s Sr. Alicia, from Pace di Christo Convent.  I’ve stopped by with a few items for you and your family.”  Before she had finished speaking, a young woman emerged from the flat’s only other room, carrying an infant in her thin arms.  The child, Henry, skipped closely behind, loudly whispering, “That’s them, mama!” 

 

     Alicia stepped forward with calm confidence, leaving Carol glued in her tracks and completely overwhelmed by a sense of uncertainty, but at least knowing enough to close the door behind them.    The nun beamed her trademark, friendly smile.  “Hello, Mrs. Kelley.  I’m Sr. Alicia, and this is my friend, Carol Aird.  We won’t stay long.  We just have a few things from the parishioners for you…canned goods and cereals…I think a few pieces of fruit.  Would you like them for your family?”

 

     Before the pretty, black-haired young woman could answer, the sound of a barking dog could be heard nearby.  Louise Kelley brought herself up short, a look of impatience on her weary face.  “Henry, where’s your brother?  And why is that dog still here?  Martin was supposed to take it to the woods…”  She looked at the two other women self-consciously.  “I’m sorry, Sister, Ms. Aird.  I haven’t even invited you in.  Please, sit for a few minutes.  And yes, we’d love the food items.  It’s so kind of you to think of us,” she offered, her Irish-accented voice soft and somewhat embarrassed.

 

     Carol gazed around at the small room they stood in, which held a threadbare sofa of undetermined color, a small table, ostensibly for dinner times, and three wooden chairs, as well as a wood-burning stove.  A few logs must have been burning inside, because a hissing sound could be heard from within, but Carol didn’t think it was doing much to warm the room.  Seeing her looking around, Mrs. Kelley smiled pleasantly, holding her swaddled baby close to her breast. 

 

     Following Alicia’s lead, Carol made her way to the sofa, lifting her head as she heard the dog barking again.  Henry, who had been hanging onto his mother’s leg, ran from the room and out the front door, closing it with a bang behind himself.

 

    Louise looked at Alicia and Carol again, exasperation clear on her face.  “I’m sorry, Sister, Ms. Aird.  My husband is in town, looking for work, the baby hasn’t napped yet, and the boys… Well, the older one, Martin, he found this dog… Actually, the dog found him.”  She stopped when the baby fussed, kissing her forehead and beginning to rock her gently.  The other women were delighted at the sight, and at the sounds coming from the obviously very young infant, and were content to watch and wait.  “Forgive me.”  She shook her head, swallowing with difficulty as tears came to her eyes and her pert nose reddened unexpectedly.

 

     Alicia spoke immediately, a gentle compassion filling her voice.  “Oh, please, Mrs. Kelley, please…there’s no need to apologize.  It’s not as if we need to scurry out the door immediately, anyhow.  There, there dear.”  She was about to continue when Carol found her own voice, surprising herself when she remarked, “Yes, please, Mrs. Kelley.  There’s no need to apologize.  Can I…can we do something for you?”

 

     Sniffling, the young woman shook her head and replied, “You’re doing plenty already!  We hardly have any food, and you’ve brought some by.  We’re all so grateful!  Really.  It’s been so hard for Paddy to find work.  He had a factory job, but then he was let go with many others.  He has to find something soon…the rent is coming due.  Thank heavens Maggie only needs my milk,” she acknowledged gratefully, just as the door was thrust open again. 

 

     All three women turned to see young Henry standing there with a dog squirming in his arms, almost as long as the child was tall.  It was black and white and Carol had absolutely no idea if it had eyes, so long was the hair around its face.  _Oh, my._   Its fur was matted and dirty, its small legs were kicking at the air as they dangled, and strangled sounds were coming from the vicinity of its mouth, the location of which wasn’t exactly obvious, either.  _Oh, my._

 

     “Henry, what are you doing with that dog in here?” his mother exclaimed.  The cold November air blasted through the open door, and the child seemed completely unaware of his thin shirt as his only defense against the biting wind.  “But mama, I can’t go to the woods without permission, so I’m here to ask.  Can I take him?  I don’t know where Martin is.  He’s not outside,” the child replied reasonably.

 

     “Close the door, sweetheart. Oh…Henry, I’m not sure.  Maybe put the dog back outside and we’ll wait until Martin comes home.  Where is he, anyway?” she asked while looking at Carol and Alicia, as if they could answer.  And then, “This dog somehow found our Martin on his way home from school, and he won’t leave us alone now!  We can’t keep him.  We barely have enough to feed the children…so we’ll take him to some nearby woods and hope he finds a home,” she finished rather sadly.

 

     The mere thought of the filthy dog wandering around the woods, hungry and cold, was more than Carol could stand.  She shook her head from side to side energetically, a certainty forming in her mind, in her heart.  Jumping to her feet, she said, “No!  You won’t need to do that.  I’ll take him!  I know someone who will absolutely love him!”

 

                                   _________________________________________________

 

     The little dog sat in a box, which the Franciscan sisters had graciously pulled from a storage room, dumping its contents haphazardly on the floor.  The box sat at Carol’s feet now as she rode the elevator up to the apartment.  The dog was laying on an old blanket, another donation from the nuns, and he looked placidly up at Carol, his black eyes visible now despite the length of hair around its eyes.  He was still filthy, he had yet to bark, and—

_“What am I doing?”_ Carol spoke to the dog as if she hoped he could offer her the answers she needed.  To his credit, he looked back up at Carol, his small head tilted to the side as if he was considering her words.  “Have I lost my mind, dog?  What am I doing with you?  How are Therese and I going to take care of you?  Oh my god, _I have lost my mind!”_

 

     Stressed by the multitude of unanswered questions, she leaned her blond head back as she often did, seeking the calming vibrations of the elevator as it moved upward.  She heard the little dog moving in his box, whimpering slightly, but Carol kept her eyes closed, taking deep, calming breaths.  Therese’s face appeared in her mind, her dimples accenting her joyous beauty, her green eyes an invitation to a deep sea dive.

 

     Ah, yes.  _Therese, honey.  This is for you._ Kneeling down, Carol brought her hand to the dog’s head, petting it gently, stroking the tangled fur.  He gazed at her soulfully, and she marveled that this small, dirty creature could already be winding himself around her heart.  “And Therese is so going to love you, dog,” she whispered.  “That’s what matters.  We’ll figure the rest out as we go.”

 

     The bell dinged at their floor, and she picked up the box with care, shouldering her handbag and tossing back her windblown curls.  As she stepped out into the hallway, Carol heard a voice from within.  It spoke firmly and reassuringly and clearly, saying, _Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know._

A wave of deep peace washed over Carol, and she stopped, smiling tenderly down at the black mass of wild fur in the box.  “Yes, dog.  We’ll figure it out as we go.” 

  1. 13



     Carol let herself into the apartment slowly, the quiet little dog nestled in his box which was propped on one hip as she used the other to push open the door.  Stepping inside, she took a deep breath, ready with explanations for Therese.  But the apartment was surprisingly still, considering it was dinner time now and Therese had told her she’d prepare their evening meal.  “Sweetheart?” Carol called out, placing the little dog on the floor.  Not receiving an answer, she looked down with her eyebrows raised.  “Well, dog, Therese isn’t home yet, apparently.  That’s too bad,” she murmured, shrugging out of her red wool coat and tossing it rather haphazardly on the back of a dining room chair.  “I was hoping she could meet you right away,” she continued in a distracted voice, stooping to make eye contact with the small mutt.  Her elegant eyebrows furrowed above blue-gray eyes.  “But maybe this is better, considering what a mess you are.  I guess I’ll be the one to get you cleaned up.  You have to make a good first impression.”

As she walked into the bedroom, Carol looked down at her companion, who had yet to utter a sound.  Instead, he gazed up at her placidly, his black eyes somehow conveying that he was very interested in what she was saying.  Placing the box on a bedside chair, Carol spoke again.  “Okay, dog, I’m going to change, and then you’re having a bath,” she informed him, beginning to unbutton her blouse.  Walking to her dresser, the tall blond pulled out a pair of dungarees and an old, navy sweatshirt, one she used to wear while gardening when she lived out in the country.  As she continued removing her clothes, however, she paused when she thought she heard a whining sound coming from the dog’s box.  She shrugged her head into the sweatshirt as she walked over to him, hearing another whimper.

 

     He sat on his hind legs, looking up at Carol, and as soon as their eyes met, the little dog thumped his tail in the close confines of his box.  She stopped, surprised to feel a smile filling her face and a delighted warmth flood her chest.  “Well, isn’t that just the…you’re waiting on me, aren’t you?  And did you think,” she asked him softly, “that I had left you?”  Reaching into the box, she lifted the dirty, smelly mass of tangled fur and held it against her chest, a well-manicured hand reaching to pet the dog’s head and push the long, wild hair from his eyes.  “No, no, don’t worry, little guy,” she murmured reassuringly, walking toward the bathroom, “you’re going to have a home here.  I just know Therese will want to keep you.  And I do, too,” she said, her tone indicating complete surprise at this revelation.

 

     Carol closed the bathroom door as she placed the mutt on the tiled floor.  Turning away, she

busied herself rummaging through the linen closet in search of their oldest towel.  It occurred to her that she wasn’t sure if she could use people shampoo on a dog.  She sighed, still talking to herself.  “Well, it’s all we’ve got, so it’ll have to do.”  She turned back around when she heard a strange hissing sound.  “Oh, no!  No, dog, you can’t pee in here!” she practically shouted at the sight of him with his hind leg raised, aiming a stream of urine at the bottom of the pedestal sink.  Carol raised a hand to her blond hair, mussing it in her state of consternation.  She sighed heavily as she reached for the toilet paper, unraveling a large section with which to mop up the urine.

 

     As she worked, the dog whimpered softly.  She raised her eyes to find him staring at her, his small black and white head cocked to the side and his tail thumping tentatively.  Carol smiled despite herself, and then reached for him, scooping him into her arms and pulling him to her chest.  “I know, dog, you didn’t really know any better!  And neither did I, pal.  I haven’t even thought about this whole peeing thing!  I would have let you go outside if I had.  _Jesus!_   I know absolutely nothing about this, dog!  What do I need to do for you?  Do you need to poop now?” she asked the little mutt, who had settled against her chest as if he would never move again.  Carol closed her eyes, momentarily allowing the warm little body to bring her an unexpected solace.  “You’re sweet,” she whispered, “but you really need a bath.  Whether you like it or not.”

 

     Figuring there was no sense in delaying the inevitable, Carol reached to turn on the tap, adjusting the water until it was warm, but not hot.  The dog backed away, uncertain and scared.  Carol picked him up, placing him in the tub gently and murmuring, “It’s okay, little guy.  I’ve got you.  The water’s warm, this is going to feel good… What happened to your momma, anyhow?  You’re awful small to be so alone in the world…”  She grabbed a cup from the edge of the tub, and began pouring the water over the mutt’s tangled, matted fur.  Surprisingly, he sat patiently as he was soaped up, the shampoo bubbling around Carol’s fingers as she attempted to work it through his coat.  Her murmuring continued as she rinsed him, and she laughed when, caught unaware, the dog showered her face as he shook himself, a small, black dynamo in the middle of the large, white tub.

 

     “Ha!  You’re getting me back, aren’t you?”  Carol laughed again, smiling as she lifted the now fragrant little fur ball and placed him on a towel.  She could feel an awareness come forward from some distant corner of her being.  _A little blessing.  That’s what you are.  A warm, little blessing._   She smiled again, thankful, and satisfied with her labors.  “Come on, pal.  Time to get you dried up.  But what do I do with your fur?  Are you supposed to be so tangled?  Are you just curly?”

 

     She was so lost in her interaction with the dog that Carol jumped in surprise when she heard Therese calling from the other room.  “Carol?  Are you here?  I’m home!  I just ran out for some cream.”  The tall blond now whispered in her small companion’s ear, “Okay, buddy.  You need to make a good impression.”  Then she called back, “I’m in the bathroom, sweetheart.  I’m heading out now.”  Looking around her at the mess she’d made, Carol decided to spend two minutes straightening up.  She put the pooch down, scurrying around and putting things away quickly, then opened the door as she bent to pick up the dog.  Before she could stop him, he shot out of the bathroom.  _Uh-oh._   Carol stood in stunned surprise for a moment, then bolted after him.

 

     Quickly leaving the bedroom, she took several steps, whipping her head from side to side, but did not spot the little dog.  She came upon Therese instead, who was staring at Carol as if she’d lost her mind.  With a bewildered look on her face, the younger woman asked, “Carol?  What’s wrong?  And why do you look like that…like you have yardwork to do?”  The other woman smiled distractedly, not making eye contact, still searching for the dog with desperate eyes.  “Oh, sweetheart…I’m fine, it’s just…I’m looking for—”

 

     Just then, Carol witnessed the dog dash out of the kitchen and under the dining room table.  She moved quickly, almost shouting, “Oh, please don’t pee!”  Therese could not have been more shocked and confused.  “ _Don’t pee?_ Carol, what in the world—” But she stopped speaking when she saw the small dog dash around the corner of the sofa, under the coffee table and then, quick as a lightning bolt, into their bedroom.  Almost immediately, a huge smile filled Therese’s face, her dimples blooming and emerald eyes shining.  She clapped her hands with delight, looking at a very flustered Carol and announcing, “That’s a dog!”

 

     Carol was breaking out into a sweat, her face was flushed, and her blond hair was falling free of the orange scarf she’d put on.  She looked at Therese as gracefully and patiently as she could.  “Yes, darling, it’s a dog.  And I have to get him before he pees again.  Can you help me?” she asked, already heading for the bedroom.  Following without hesitation, Therese replied, “Just try to stop me!”  The two women searched the bedroom, convinced he would be under the bed or behind a side table. 

 

     Finally, Therese headed for the bathroom, and there she came upon the mutt, sitting on his hind legs and looking up at her innocently.  She laughed, amused at his expression.  “Well, I’ve found him, Carol.”  Coming up behind her, the taller woman gazed down at the little creature, who thumped his tail energetically.  Therese laughed again, and then stopped as they both watched him stand, walk to the pedestal sink, lift a hind leg, and pee. Carol groaned.  “Dog! No, no, you can’t pee in here!  That’s not a fire hydrant.”  Therese laughed once again, unable to stop herself.  She walked into the bathroom, unrolled some toilet paper, and cleaned up the mess.

 

     Carol bent to pick up their little friend, cuddling him to her chest.  She spoke into his now dry, furry head.  “Are you going to be a little troublemaker?”  Lifting her eyes, she smiled at her young girlfriend, though doubt was clearly evident in the blue-gray depths of her gaze.  “Therese, this can be our dog, if we want.  Would you…would you want to keep him?”  Taking a step, the young woman reached out a hand to stroke the animal’s back, soft and clean and smelling like Prell shampoo.  In a soft voice, she replied, “I’d _love_ to keep him! Yes, Carol, yes!”  With happy, glowing eyes, Therese looked at Carol and asked, “What’s his name?”

 

     Up until that instant, she hadn’t known.  But seeing the uncontainable joy on Therese’s face, the name came to her immediately.  “Benny.  His name is _Benny._ But in all honesty, I just named him, sweetheart.”  The brunette tilted her head in question.  “Why Benny?”

 

     “Because he’s going to be our blessing, and the French word for blessing is _benediction._ Would you like to call him _Benny?”_ Carol asked hopefully.

 

     Therese reached for the little dog, enfolding him in her warm embrace.  She whispered in his ear.  “Benny!  That’s your name, you know.  And Carol’s right.  You are a blessing!  You will be a blessing.  Oh, Benny, I can’t wait to get to know you!  We’re going to have so much fun together, you and Carol and me.  You’ll be part of our family now, you sweet little thing.”  Watching her girlfriend, who seemed to have a natural affinity for dogs, had a calming effect on Carol.  Therese was a natural.  She would lead the way.  She would know what to do.

 

     “So darling,” Carol asked, “just how do we potty train Benny?”  Therese offered a beaming, lovely smile before replying, “Oh, I have no idea!”

 

 

                                      ____________________________________________

 

     By ten o’clock that evening, Carol and Therese were lying exhausted in bed.  They had each taken Benny outside twice, and he had peed two of those times.  He had also peed twice on his “indoor fire hydrant,” as they’d quickly come to call the pedestal sink, but they were thankful this at least, was on a tile floor and not the carpeting.  Benny had eaten a piece of toast, half an omelet and a piece of ham, and four saltine crackers, which had quickly become his reward for obeying a command.  He’d also had copious amounts of water, which in retrospect hadn’t made their lives easier.

 

     But now, the little mutt was nestled contentedly in his box, atop a soft blue and white blanket that Therese had carried with her since she was a child.  She had no idea how she came to own it, but in her mind, it was connected with most of the memories she held most peaceful and dear, and it pleased her that Benny was being held in its comforting warmth now.  He was clean, warm, well-fed, safe, and already adored by his new family.

 

     “Therese, are you sure your friend will be able to advise us?  He knows a lot about training dogs?  I wish we would have been able to reach Elaine.  I hope her sister is okay.” Carol rambled on, staring at the ceiling under the glow of the dim bedside lamp.  The younger woman turned on her side and scooted across the space separating the two of them.  She reached a hand out to gently stroke the side of Carol’s face, which in profile looked particularly regal, in Therese’s opinion.

 

     Distracted, she answered, “I wish I had my camera, Carol.  You look so lovely in this lighting…I could get the best shots…”  She sighed, completely taken with her lover.  “But, yes, I’m sure Dannie knows something about training dogs.  He and his wife have a four-month old puppy.  He’s always talking about it at work.  I’ll ask him tomorrow, don’t worry.”  Running her fingers through Carol’s silky, blond curls, she continued, “I do know he’s always talking about how important the crate is.  The puppy has a crate it stays in while they’re at work.”

 

     Carol turned now, a look of alarm on her face.  “Well, we don’t have one of those, sweetheart!”  The younger woman smiled patiently.  “I know.  But we do have a smaller bathroom.  Maybe we can put Benny’s box in there with water and a snack, close the door, and know he’s not running around tearing up the apartment.”  Carol visibly shivered, and with wide, dark eyes, asked, “Do you think he would do that?  Tear up the house?”  Therese laughed.  “It’s not like he’s a wolf! He can’t weigh more than fifteen pounds!  How much damage could he do?”

 

     “I never want to find out, darling.  I like your bathroom idea a lot.  It’s kind of like having a playpen for Rindy.  I could put her in there with some toys and know she was safe while I cooked dinner and such.  She couldn’t get out and into trouble.”  She stopped at the mention of her daughter, smiling tenderly but with sadness.  “I wish she could meet Benny!  Rindy would love him!”

 

     Therese brought her hand to Carol’s shoulder and squeezed gently.  “Well, since he’s ours now, she probably will meet him at some point, don’t you think?”  She received a poignant smile in reply, and her lover’s eyes filled with tears.  “Oh, darling, I certainly hope so.  I miss her so much tonight!  I think it’s Benny,” Carol whispered.  “He’s so little, such a baby… I miss my baby, even if she isn’t a baby anymore.”

 

     Therese could hardly stand to see the pain in Carol’s darkening eyes.  She enveloped her in her warm arms, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her ears, murmuring sweet sounds all the while.  “Don’t lose faith, love.  Alicia told me we have to keep praying for a change of heart in Harge.  I kind of want the Holy Spirit to whack him on the head!”  She paused, contemplating her next words carefully.  “Carol?  Can I tell you something?”  The older woman went still at the serious tenor of Therese’s voice.  She moved away slightly so she could see her deep emerald eyes, which looked almost black in the dim light of the bedroom.

 

     “Of course, sweetheart.  You can tell me anything.  But you sound so serious!  It makes me rather nervous,” Carol admitted with an uncharacteristic quiver in her voice.

 

     Therese took a deep breath, making direct eye contact.  When she spoke, it was with strength and certainty clear in her voice.  “I went to see Harge last week.”  The older woman’s eyes widened, looking startled, then mystified, and finally, curious.  Reading them closely, Therese continued, “I know I didn’t talk with you about it first.  But I didn’t want to, to be honest.  I didn’t want to stress you in any way.  This was _my_ thing.”  She could feel the waves of certainty flowing through her, as expected as those that roll in to the ocean’s shores.

 

     “I prayed about it a lot.  Which I know is surprising, in itself.  It’s strange…I keep finding I can’t stop praying, even if I’m not sure who I’m praying to.”  Her smile reflected an uncertain amusement with herself.  “And I talked to Alicia about it.  And in the end, I felt very led to go speak with Harge, to speak my truth, you know?”  Therese reached out to cup Carol’s chin, and her hand was warm and strong and steady.  “It wasn’t about me going to fight your battles, even though I think I’d lay down my very life for you.  This was truly about my need to speak to him about my perspective and experience of his behaviors toward us.”

 

     Carol’s question was tentative.  “And was he receptive?  I can’t hardly believe he would be…he’s been so awful…so fucking awful…”  Therese pursed her lips, remembering her visit.  “Well, he wasn’t fucking awful,” she answered truthfully.  Absentmindedly, she caressed Carol’s arm, from shoulder to elbow, and back again.  “He was very hostile at first, but…it faded.  It’s hard to remember all of what we said.  Alicia had told me to pray to St. Jude, and I kept praying even during the meeting!  I did learn that he seems very… _controlled_ by his mother.  And that she hates us, but he doesn’t hate you.  And that he loves Rindy very much.”

 

     Carol’s eyes closed.  It felt to her like the mere mention of Rindy’s name tonight wounded her with grief.  “I know he loves Rindy.  One thing he has always been is a good father.  Did you…did you think it was a good thing, meeting with him?  Will it make any difference?”

 

     Therese sighed.  “I don’t know, love.  I hope so.  I keep praying to St. Jude.  Alicia’s praying, too, and she has a lot of the other nuns praying.  For a “change of heart for H,” as she puts it, to keep our confidences.”  She stopped, shaking her head again, this time as thoughts of Alicia entered her consciousness.  “Alicia!  That woman!  I swear, my whole life with her has been an adventure!  She gets me doing things, believing things I never thought I would.”  A fond smile filled Therese’s face, her dimples appearing like crescent moons upon the smooth sky of her skin.

 

     Carol returned the smile as she, too, thought of the joyous, ebullient nun.  “Tell me about it!  I came home with a dog today!” she exclaimed with almost comical amazement.  As if on cue, Benny popped up in his box, placing his front paws on an edge and peering at the two women inquiringly.  Then he barked, a short, crisp sound that startled them both.

 

     Carol sat up.  “Benny!  That’s the first time I’ve heard you speak, little guy.  What do you need?”  The dog kept looking from one woman to the other.  He had an expectant expression on his now clean face, and his coat was shiny and as black as the midnight sky, except for the odd white patches here and there, including one that took up most of his left ear and gave him an adventurous air.  He barked again.  Carol looked at Therese.  “What do you think he wants?”

 

     The younger woman rolled her eyes.  “Why do you keep asking me?  I don’t have canine telepathy.  Maybe we just…guess?  What did you do when Rindy was a baby?”  Tilting her blond head to the side, Carol gazed at Benny thoughtfully.  “Well, sweetheart, you try things.  Is she wet?  Is she hungry?  Does she need to burp?  Is she just awake and wanting to be held?”

 

     “Who took him out last?” Therese asked, hoping it had been herself.

 

     “I think it was me,” Carol replied, but Therese could see her attempting to swallow her laugh. 

 

     “Uh-uh.  It was me!  I’m sure of it, because I was dreading going out in the cold.  You take him, Carol!  And if you are cold when you come up,” the young brunette replied in a sultry voice, “I’ll warm you up with my extra-special methods.”  She kissed her lightly on the cheek, her tongue shooting out for the merest instant.

 

     Carol’s eyes flashed as awareness shot through her body.  “Oh, I think it’s _frigid_ out tonight, sweetheart,” she said in between broken breaths, moving quickly to gather up the little pooch and head downstairs. 

 

     She looked back, her gaze seductive.  “I’m sure I’ll be freezing by the time I get back! _”_

 

 

                                       ____________________________________________

 

     “Hi, Alicia!”

 

     “Therese!  My darling girl!  How are you?” Alicia replied with characteristic enthusiasm.

 

     Looking down, Therese saw Benny curled in a ball on her lap.  She ran her fingers through his silky, semi-curly fur, loving the velvety texture.  He moaned lightly, his small tongue coming out to lick once or twice, nose twitching, and then with another moan settled back into his nap.  Her heart flip-flopped.  She was in love.

 

     “Well, I have this little dog in my lap,” Therese began to reply in a somewhat accusatory tone, “and—”

 

     She was interrupted.  “I had nothing to do with that!”  Alicia’s response was quick and amused.  “That was all Carol, my dear!  I took her to the Kelley’s because I wanted her to see what this ministry is about.  I’m hoping it might appeal to the two of you…but anyway, taking the dog was completely her idea!  I had no idea it would even be there.”

 

     Therese felt a smile warm her heart, grateful for the love she shared with this wonderful woman, the only mother she had ever known.  “Alicia, that’s a likely story!  Carol doesn’t even like dogs!  Then, she leaves to drive to Albany for your driving lesson, and comes home with one.  This has your name written all over it!”

 

     On the other end of the line, Alicia cackled.  “Oh, dear one, this has _the Spirit_ written all over it, and through and through!  I’m excited for both of you.  What’s he like?”  The old nun took a sip of her tea, picturing Therese a couple hundred miles away with that ratty dog hanging on her.  “To be honest with you, I would have never taken him.  He was filthy!”

 

     “Well,” the younger woman responded softly, “Carol got him all cleaned up, and he’s soft and black and beautiful, with these odd white spots here and there.  He’s very affectionate and playful.  Doesn’t bark much.  Loves to be held.  And pees constantly.  We have very little idea what we’re doing.  He thinks the pedestal sink is a fire hydrant!”

 

     Alicia hooted with laughter.  “Oh my, I’d love to know how you break him of that one!  Maybe you need to get a library book by some expert,” she advised matter-of-factly.  “Golly, you two have your work ahead of you.  Will you bring him next week to Elaine’s house, so he can play with Sparky?”

 

     “That’s the plan, although I think Sparky will be completely bored.  But I spoke with Elaine this afternoon, and she wants to meet Benny, and seems to think it would be good for both dogs to have each other’s company.  Carol and I are already worried that Benny will pee all over her house, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge…”

 

     “You will, darling.  And there will be two more sets of eyes to keep an eye on him.  It’ll be fine!”  She paused for a moment, and then asked, “So, did Carol tell you much about the outreach ministry?  You probably haven’t had the chance to talk much about it yet, but when you do, please pray about whether you’d like to be involved, Therese.  We could really use the help.  There’s so many people in need!”

 

     Therese’s reply rang with sincere assurance.  “I will, Alicia.  We both will.  I already know where my heart is leaning, but Carol and I will talk and let you know.  When would you need help?”  She could hear the heavy sigh as it made its way through the phone lines. 

 

     “Dear one, we always need help.  Every single day.  And if the Lord moves you, this weekend I’ll be making deliveries with a few of the other nuns as we take food baskets around for the Thanksgiving holiday.  The Kelley’s…” Her voice was filled with concern. “They have so little, Therese.  And there’s so many immigrant families just like theirs… The Lord has made His needs so clear.”

 

     “I think I know that, Alicia.  And…sometimes it’s so much easier to look the other way.  At least for me, it is.” 

 

     “It is for all of us, dear.  It is for all of us.”

 

     After ringing off, Therese lay her head back against the sofa, thinking about Alicia, and the life the nun had been called to.  It was a life of service.  Unending service.  Running a hand down Benny’s soft, furry back, she contemplated the ways she served others.  Did she?  She wasn’t even sure she felt this kind of calling.  She was a photographer!  “But Benny, there are too many people hurting to expect the religious to be able to meet all their needs, right?  Maybe I can do a little bit?  Maybe?  Maybe I’m good enough,” she murmured, still uncertain. 

 

     In the next instant, Therese jumped and Benny barked when the phone rang, as Carol came through the door simultaneously.  Leaning over, she picked up the receiver.  “Hello?”

 

     “Hi Therese! It’s Rindy, is my mommy home?”  Therese couldn’t stop the beaming smile that made its way across her face at the sound of the little girl’s excited, upbeat, energetic voice.  “Well, hi Rindy!  It’s good to hear your voice!” she responded, as Carol made her way over, an expression of shocked surprise on her face.  “Your mommy is home.  Let me hand her the phone.”

 

     The two women exchanged delighted smiles, and Carol quickly kissed the top of Therese’s head before taking the phone and saying, “Rindy? Is that you, sweet pea?  How are you, my darling?”

 

     “I’m good, mommy, but I miss you!  And daddy says it’s okay if I can come see you for Thanks…Thanks…” Her clear, young voice faded in confusion, and Carol jumped in as her pulse quickened with expectancy.  “For Thanksgiving, darling?”

 

     RIndy shouted.  “Yes, mommy!  Thanksgiving!  That’s the day!  Are you home?  Can I come over?” 

 

     Carol sat suddenly on the arm of the sofa, reaching blindly for Therese’s hand.  With her voice breaking, unable to keep back her tears, she replied, “Yes, my darling!  Yes!  Please come over for Thanksgiving!”

 

 

 

  1. 14



 

 

     Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, seemed interminably long for both Carol and Therese, who plowed through their respective work days in anticipation of Rindy’s arrival that evening.  Carol had spoken with Harge on the phone, a conversation she termed, “surprisingly pleasant,” and arrangements were made with their daughter’s best interests in mind.  She would come tonight, and return to Harge on Saturday for the latter part of the weekend.

 

     Finally home, the two women scurried around in a flurry of last minute preparations, cheeks flushed pink with excitement, with Benny scampering around at their feet yipping uncontrollably.  Carol, especially, seemed to vibrate with an energy driven by a potent mixture of longing and love.  Therese found it to be an almost combustible combination. To her trained photographer’s eye, Carol was a smoldering flame, a rich, warm, deeply complex fire fed by a maternal love Therese had never known but that made her ache with joy to witness.

 

     The younger woman crossed the floor, her slippers whispering on the hardwood surface gently, until she stood in front of her lover.  Lost in thought, the tall, lovely blond stood transfixed, gazing at nothing in particular.  Her blue-gray eyes were more blue tonight, the hue accented by the powder blue turtleneck sweater she wore with her slim, gray, wool skirt.  With her golden blond curls falling in casual radiance around the flawless skin of her face, Therese thought Carol could be a painting in the Louvre, or a sculpture welcoming visitors to the ruins of ancient Greece.  It made Therese catch her breath before commenting, “I’m not sure God could have created a more beautiful woman than you, ever.”

 

     Gently called from her reverie, Carol responded, “I’m sorry, darling.  I was distracted and didn’t hear what you said.”  The smaller woman took a step closer, reaching up to place a soft kiss on Carol’s cheek.  Therese shook her head, her emerald eyes glowing with love and wonder.  “You’re perfect, Carol.  I just said you’re perfect.”

 

     Carol chuckled as she drew Therese close, sliding her arms around her waist and tucking Therese’s head securely beneath her chin.  Breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo, Carol brought her lips to the top of her brunette head, leaving several kisses as she breathed deeply and gratefully.  “And you,” she replied prosaically, “are terribly biased, my darling Therese.  But as I’m about to see Harge, I’ll take even biased praise.”  Pulling away, Therese looked up with concern.  “Are you okay, Carol?  Do you need anything?  Is there anything I can do?” 

 

     A soft, tentative smile filled the face above her.  Then Carol shook her head.  “You don’t ever need to do anything more than just be by my side, sweetheart.”  She sighed.  “It may never be pleasant for me to see him, but…”  Now she squared her shoulders.  “But I’m okay!  I’m…healing.  I think I really am healing.”  There was surprise evident in her husky voice, and a burgeoning awareness.  “I think I just realized that, darling.  It’s not like it was.  I… _love myself more._ Yes!  _I love_ _myself more.”_ She smiled in contented delight.  “It’s beautiful.”

Therese gazed up, and she could feel love pulsating, almost shimmering on the air around them.  Placing her hands on Carol’s soft cheeks, she drew her down into a gentle kiss, and then another, their breath mingling, hanging like warm, sweet fruit on a tropical tree.  “Carol,” she whispered, “I’m so happy for you.  You deserve to love yourself!  And you _more than_ deserve this time with Rindy.”  With eyes closed, Carol ran the tip of her nose over one of Therese’s cheeks, breathing in her scent, her nearness with pure contentment.  She pulled her more securely into her embrace, loving the feel of the younger woman’s slender length pressed up against her.  Then she leaned back.  “You have _no idea_ how grateful I am to you, darling,” Carol whispered.

Therese put a finger to Carol’s warm lips.  “Shh.  Let’s just thank St. Jude, okay?”  A knock sounded at the door, and the sound of a high-pitched child’s voice could be heard coming from behind it.  Therese smiled.  “Now go greet your daughter!”  Benny, alerted to a new sound, sat up in his bed, his ears twitching and nose sniffing the air in curious expectation.  Therese glanced at him, amused to see his white, left ear quivering like a flag in the wind.  _A young pup_ _and a four-year-old!  What have we gotten ourselves into?_

Carol reached the door, opening it decisively.  And there was not a moment for her to speak, because Rindy was shouting, “Mommy!  Mommy!”  Carol was seized by a love so great it literally pushed the air from her lungs.  Clutching her chest, she lowered herself to her blue-eyed, golden-haired, pink-cheeked child.  She couldn’t speak, so great was her love and pain and joy.  Rindy flung her small arms around her mother’s neck, and Carol held her little body securely while tears welled up and spilled over unheeded.  Finally, words came.  “My darling, my darling, my darling!”

 

     Hanging behind out of respect, Therese felt her throat tighten and tears fill her eyes.  Through the haze, she felt Harge’s stare, and lifted her eyes to the handsome, dark-haired man.  A muscle twitching in his cheek, he nodded slightly, and she was surprised to see a small smile next.  Thoughts of St. Jude and Alicia passed through Therese’s awareness.  And then she heard a faint thumping sound, followed by the scratching of Benny’s nails as he streaked across the hardwood floor.  “Arr!  Arr!  Arr!” he sang out in his small-dog voice, “Arr!  Arr!  Arr!”  The pooch raced to the front hallway, peeing the entire way, as Therese stood shocked and transfixed, her mouth agape.

 

     Rindy pulled herself out of Carol’s embrace, her eyes big and round with excitement.  “A dog!  A dog!  Mommy!  Daddy!  It’s a dog!” the child shouted.  She dropped to her knees, and Carol thought distractedly that she hoped Rindy wouldn’t put a tear in her white tights as she giggled on the floor with Benny, who was jumping up on the little girl, aiming kiss after kiss at her flushed cheeks.  Laughing uncontrollably, Rindy exclaimed, “He has funny kisses, mommy!  What’s his name?”

 

     Carol stooped, reaching for Benny’s collar.  “Benny, Benny!  Enough!”  But her daughter’s giggles were infectious, and Carol found herself laughing, too.  “His name is Benny, sweetheart!  Therese and I just got him.  Benny!”  But she found herself incapable of disciplining the little dog, so endearing was the sight of him greeting Rindy with such uncontained enthusiasm.  Still giggling, Rindy stammered, “Look, daddy!  Come meet Benny!”

 

     Despite his shock, Harge was smiling, too.  In his perfectly cut, long, wool overcoat, he crouched down immediately.  He spoke with amusement in his deep, masculine voice.  “Well, hello, Benny!  It’s very nice to meet you.”  Harge reached out a large hand to the pooch, who regarded him quizzically, his head cocked and white ear twitching.  Benny sniffed cautiously before relaxing, and Harge petted him gently.  “Look, daddy!  He likes you!” Rindy announced with delight.  “He likes me, too!  Can we get a Benny?”

 

     Harge chuckled as he stood.  “Oh, no!  I’m not making _that_ decision on the spot.”  His handsome face broke into a smile.  “But maybe, Rindy.  Maybe at some point, okay?  There’s a lot to caring for a dog and you usually don’t get one without giving it a lot of thought, honey.” 

 

     Carol’s eyebrows rose, and she turned to see Therese rolling her eyes.  But the look on the younger woman’s face was one of devotion and love and joy.  _Well, not unless you’re us!  We take_ _filthy, abandoned dogs on the spot.  We love ebullient, old, Franciscan nuns.   We do spontaneity and risk and_ _beach houses.  We pray to St. Jude._

 

     _This is us!_

                                      __________________________________________

 

     Carol returned to their bedroom, closing the door behind her.  Therese watched her drop her red plaid robe on a bedside chair, an air of casual elegance following her and fascinating the younger woman.  Would she ever tire of looking at Carol?  Would it ever grow old—this flame of loving desire that was already flickering, sending prickles of awareness that felt like distant thunder, rumbling from her suddenly tight chest to her fingertips?  Her hands ached already for the feel of warm, silky skin.

 

     Carol slid into bed with a sigh.  “Well sweetheart, both of the children are sound asleep!”  Turning on her side, tossing a wave of blond curls from her face, she laughed lightly.  “Benny is curled up in his bed at Rindy’s feet.  She completely wore him out, I think.  You should have seen her insisting he needed to come brush his teeth _now_!”  She closed her eyes briefly, shaking her head.  “What in the world are we in for this weekend?”

 

     Therese couldn’t help but smile.  “I think we’re in for an adventure.  Just think, Carol.  Rindy, Benny, Sparky, and Alicia in the same room.  That’ll be enough energy to power all of Long Island!”  Then she smiled again, reaching out to cup Carol’s cheek.  Suddenly serious, Therese whispered, “Can you even believe it?  Can you even believe this is our life?  What happened?”

 

     Gazing into the depths of Therese’s emerald eyes, Carol thought, as she often did, of a wellspring, and the absolute wonder of the depth of love she felt for the slender beauty lying beside her.  The older woman shook her head in reply.  “I have no idea, darling.”  Moving over, she slid an arm around Therese’s waist, slipping a hand underneath her pajama top and against the heated skin of her back.  “Maybe there are no words…”  With her face in the crook of Therese’s neck, she began leaving tender kisses, then running her tongue along the fragrant skin of her collarbone and jawline.  Finding her lips finally, Carol kissed her deeply, and passion quickly flared between the two women.

 

     Catching her breath eventually, Therese whispered, “Carol…oh, god…why are we doing this?  Can we do this?”  But her hands were busy tugging at the material of Carol’s nightgown, desperate for the soft feel of her skin under her suddenly aching hands.  Her breathing hitched, Therese closed her eyes as she felt Carol’s hand close around her breast.  “There’s Benny…and Rindy…”  But Carol was moving over her now, tugging off her pajama bottoms even as Therese yanked desperately to pull Carol’s gown up and over her head.

 

     Poised above her young lover, Carol smirked, her hips moving in slow seduction.  “I locked our door, sweetheart,” came her husky-voiced reply, just before taking a rosy nipple into her mouth.  Therese gasped and then groaned, pleasure shooting out along her nerve endings as swiftly as lightning through the night sky.  When Carol bit down, she groaned louder.  “Oh my god, Carol!” The other woman raised her head, her eyes dark with wild passion, her hands suddenly everywhere, her long, slender legs separating Therese’s thighs as she brought their mounds together with unerring accuracy. 

 

     “But you probably shouldn’t make sounds,” Carol huffed as she planted her arms and began their dance.  Therese’s eyes flew open, and she looked so alarmed Carol almost laughed.  “ _No sounds?_   No way!  Ah!” she cried out as she felt fingers pinch one of her nipples.  Carol shushed her by taking her mouth, her tongue seeking and finding the sweet, moist recesses she craved.  She continued kissing Therese deeply, reveling in her lips that felt like warmed velvet and tasted like honey.

 

     Moving, moving, Carol led them on, and it was so graceful and wild and erotic that Therese was eventually silenced, the only sounds now their sighs, their labored breathing, the murmurs from moist mouths onto heated skin.  Opening her eyes as they crested together, Therese held onto Carol, looking deeply into her eyes as they shook with tremors.

 

     _This is love.  This is love._

                                 ___________________________________________

“I see the ocean, mommy!”  The shout came piercing from the back of the Packard.  “Are we almost there?  How much longer?”  Rindy peered out the back window of the Packard, her blue eyes reflecting excitement and the many shades of gray clouds scuttling their way across the tempestuous November sky.

 

     Smiling patiently, Carol glanced in the rearview mirror, her heart turning over at the sight of her daughter.  _Oh, I’ve missed you!_  It was like a miracle that the child sat there, her blond curls falling softly against her cheek as she tried again to lift herself high enough to see the Atlantic.  Patiently, Carol replied, “Not long at all, sweetheart.  We’ll be there before you know it!”

Rindy turned to the seat next to her, where Benny sat in his travel kennel.  “Do you hear that, Benny?  Just a little bit longer and we’ll be there!  And you get to see the ocean!  And ‘Licia and “Elaine and…what’s the other doggie’s name, mommy?”  Carol smiled, picturing the huge black Newfoundland in her mind.  “Sparky!  His name is Sparky, darling.”  Rindy turned again to the little mutt.  “Do you hear that, Benny?  His name is Sparky!  Another dog for you to play with, but you have to be nice and share your toys!  Right, mommy?  Benny has to share!”

 

     Carol caught Therese’s eye with an expression of amusement on her face.  The young brunette smiled, wondering if Sparky was ready for the tiny storm that was Rindy.  With her eyes back on the wooded, country road, Carol responded, “Well, yes, Rindy, that would be nice. But he may not understand what that means.  He’s a dog!”

 

     In a very matter-of-fact voice, the child responded, “It’s okay, mommy.  I’ll teach him!  Right, Benny?”  The little dog shuffled about in his cage, whimpering slightly, almost as if he was anticipating a trip to the trainer’s.  In the front passenger seat, Therese bit her cheek to keep from laughing aloud.  _Wait until she meets Sparky!_

     Carol made a turn to the right, the tires crunching on the gravel that signaled the beginning of Elaine’s long and winding driveway.  A thick stand of pines lined either side, towering to such a great height that the car’s interior dimmed.  A feeling of peace settled over her as she remembered their trip here in September.  It was as if she could already hear the rhythmic sound of the waves that came so faithfully to the Long Island shore, and smell the remembered sea breeze, tangy with the scent of the mysteries that lay beneath its surface.  She felt Therese’s hand on her thigh, and looking at her young lover, could see in the interplay of light and shadow a reflection of her own serenity. 

 

     Carol squeezed her hand in understanding, a sense that many blessings awaited them washing over her with certainty.  As she pulled the Packard to a stop in front of Elaine’s side door, Rindy peeked her head up and shouted, “We’re here!  Mommy, we’re here!  I remember!”  Benny sensed the little girl’s excitement and began to bark, which was a rare occurrence for the mild-mannered mutt.  “Get me out, mommy!  Get me out!”

 

     Carol laughed.  “ _Please_ get me out?  Hmm, sweetheart?”  But Rindy was oblivious for a moment.  As Carol let the child out of her seatbelt, she kissed a dewy young cheek.  “Nerinda, you need to remember your manners.  _Please and thank you and you’re welcome._   Okay?”  Rindy shook her small head impatiently.  “Okay, mommy, okay!  Let’s go!”

 

     And then it was a commotion of hugs and tears and barking and a high-pitched child’s voice, as Elaine and Alicia bustled out of the house, seemingly unaware of the frigid cold, with Sparky at their heels, just as unaware and perhaps grateful.  Therese gravitated to Alicia and her plump, matronly bosom.  The nun was beaming, as usual, her smooth, round face flushed under the shelter of her gray curls and habit.  Therese felt as if she was being flattened, so tight was Alicia’s hug.  Tears came to the young woman’s eyes, and she brought her lips to Alicia’s cheeks, first one and then the other, again and again.  “Muah!  Muah!  Muah!  Alicia!  It is so good to see you!”

 

     So great was the joy of the four reunited women, they briefly lost track of Rindy and the two dogs, who sniffed at each other briefly before Benny immediately crouched to Sparky in subservience to his new Alpha male.  Through a haze of joy, Carol became aware of Rindy’s voice speaking with authority.

 

     “Now doggies!  We’re going to play ‘school’ while I’m here!  And you need to listen, because I’m the boss of you!  Okay?”  Carol chuckled surreptitiously, but was shocked to peer down and observe both Benny and Sparky sitting and looking at her small daughter with rapt attention.  Elaine pulled at the Carol’s coat sleeve, her blue eyes twinkling with amusement. 

 

     “Well, well, Carol.  You just may have given birth to the first female president of the United States!”  The tall blond shook her head, bemused and wondering where her child found the wherewithal to stand her ground in front of Sparky.  The beautiful, black beast outweighed her by at least one hundred pounds, for heaven’s sake!  “Good lord, what are we in for?” she asked to no one in particular.

 

     Alicia clapped her hands with her trademark enthusiasm, her eyes shining with life and love.  “We are in for _fun_ , Carol!  We are in for _fun_!”

 

                               __________________________________________

 

 

     The Thanksgiving table was set beautifully with Elaine’s best bone china and deep red napkins.  A centerpiece of mums of various color graced its center, and it now sat heaped with a golden brown turkey, a bowl of steaming dressing, green beans, fluffy white mashed potatoes, a fresh salad, rich, red cranberry sauce, and a gravy boat with its contents piping fragrant steam to the sensitive noses of all gathered at the table, including Benny and Sparky, who thumped their tails and groaned as if in agony.

 

     Rindy, dressed in a powder blue dress with a white peter pan collar, gazed about wide-eyed.  Noticing the empty chair and plate at the table’s end, she asked, “Elaine, who else is coming to dinner?”  Their hostess’s eyes teared up briefly before she answered in a soft and gentle voice.  “That’s for Maggie, sweetheart.  And she can’t come, but I still like to set a place for her and remember all the times she did.  And light this little candle in her memory.”  She pointed to the small white votive on Maggie’s empty plate.

 

     Rindy smiled, sitting up a little straighter.  “Is Maggie your friend that died?”  Elaine nodded and replied, “Yes, honey, she is.” 

 

     “And you miss her now?”    

 

     The silver-haired, older woman smiled gently.  “I do, very much.  But it helps to talk about her, and say her name.  Thank you, Rindy.”  The child nodded shyly, reaching for Carol’s hand in an unconscious gesture that tugged at her mother’s heart.  Therese noticed and felt her throat tighten.  The young woman was so deeply moved that Carol could spend this day with her daughter.

 

     Alicia cleared her throat.  “Perhaps we can say a prayer of Thanksgiving now?”   As the other women nodded approval, the old nun made the sign of the cross.  “Let us pray, then.  Dear God, we gather today to remember our blessings and our gifts, and to pause long enough to hold them in our hearts with thankfulness.  You are a good God, and we thank you for your goodness.  We thank you for this food to nourish our bodies, this beautiful, warm house, the majesty of the ocean and the earth’s bounty.  Most of all, we thank you for the bond of family, and the deep love and friendship we share.  With gratitude—”

 

     “’Licia?” Rindy asked, her young voice like a shiny, new bell pealing out over the dinner table.  “Can I say thank you, too?”  Beside her, Carol felt Therese grab her hand and squeeze her fingers so tightly she almost flinched.

 

     “Well, of course, child!  God would want you to!  What would you like to say thanks for?”

 

     Now Rindy clasped her small hands together importantly, and yet solemnly.  Taking a deep breath, she prayed, “God, thank you for Benny and Sparky and mommy and daddy and Therese and grandma.  And thank you for ‘Licia and Elaine and Maggie.  And thank you for the turkey and the ocean and sand and trees. And God, thank you for St. Jude.”

 

     At this last, Therese and Carol made eye contact fleetingly, surprise showing clearly on each of their faces.  Alicia’s lips twitched slightly before she closed her eyes to finish their prayer.  “And Lord, I thank you for this dear child and her generous heart.  We thank you for all these gifts, and pray in Jesus’s name.  Amen.”

 

     As platters were passed and plates filled, Carol found she could barely contain her curiosity.  She turned to address her daughter, but Rindy was busy giving instructions to her pupils.  “Sparky, _no!_   Benny, _no!_ You can’t have dessert if you don’t eat everything on your plate!”  Her face twisted into a comical grimace momentarily.

 

     Swallowing a smile, Carol looked at Rindy, gently redirecting her.  “Rindy, how about you eat what’s on your plate, okay?  Then _you_ can have dessert with us.”  The other women nodded and murmured support for this suggestion, and the little girl obediently forked a small piece of  mother thrturkey and began to chew.  “But sweetheart, can I ask you something?”

 

     Shrugging her small shoulders, Rindy replied pleasantly, “Of course, mommy!”  Then she put a large forkful of mashed potatoes in her mouth, oblivious to the fact that all four of her dinner companions had the same question for her.

 

     “I was just wondering…how…how do you know anything about St. Jude, darling?”  RIndy’s fork clattered to her plate, and she looked at her mother with an expression of patient understanding.  “Well, from daddy, silly!”

 

     Carol, Therese, Alicia, and Elaine all exchanged brief glances before Carol asked, “And what did daddy say about St. Jude?”  RIndy put down her fork and looked up at Carol through scrunched eyebrows.  “Nerinda,” she replied, attempting to mimic Harge’s voice, “when you say your prayers, thank God for St. Jude.”

 

     Carol felt her heart turn over, hope dawning in the places that had remained frozen for so very long, the places she had dared not let herself feel.  Maybe Harge would experience a change of heart?  Just maybe?  She looked at Therese, and saw that same hope reflected on the young woman’s serene and lovely face, pooling like a gentle sea in the emerald depths of her eyes.  Therese smiled, reaching out a hand to tenderly stroke Carol’s forearm, and her touch was a profound blessing.

 

     “Mommy?  Mommy?”  Rindy’s voice penetrated through her contemplations, pulling Carol back to this Thanksgiving table, to Therese and Elaine and Alicia, to Benny and Sparky and the bounty before them, to the miracle of all the gifts that filled her life this very day.  “Did I say it right?  Did I say the St. Jude prayer right?” the little girl persisted.

 

     Leaning down to kiss the top of Rindy’s head, Carol saw Alicia beaming at her from across the table.  “Yes, my darling!  Yes!  You said the prayer exactly right!”  

 

  1. 15



 

 

     The Christmas season in New York City was beautiful, busy, exciting—and as far as Therese was concerned, exhausting.  There was a frenetic energy in the air, an increase in tourists who’d come to view the holiday decorations, shop on Park and Madison Avenues, and maybe enjoy a show.  This was all wonderful, or so she tried to convince herself.  But if truth be told, the young woman wished everyone would _just go away_ , so she could wander around Central Park with her camera in relative peace and not worry so much about the crowds of irritated, sometimes rude people who jostled her about and brought with them a sense of impatient entitlement.

 

     It made Therese increasingly thankful for the sanctity of home.  This space she shared with Carol and Benny was her haven, a place where the rest of the city fell away, where the stresses and demands of work receded for a few precious hours and she could just _be._  Looking down at the little mutt, curled up in her lap and sound asleep, she sighed deeply and with contentment.  She stroked his ears, first one and then the other, finding herself soothed by the soft, silky texture.

 

     “Benny,” Therese said quietly, “you _are_ a blessing!  Carol was so right, buddy.  It’s the perfect name for you.”  The dog emitted a slight groan, and then wiggled his hind legs as if to work himself more deeply into Therese’s warm lap.  She chuckled.  “You are completely irresistible.  I’m so in love with you!”  She took a sip of her tea, smiling because she couldn’t stop herself from doing so.  Just then, Carol emerged from their bedroom, her robe flowing behind her.  The younger woman smiled again, watching as the tall blond made her way over to the sofa with tea cup in hand.

 

     “Leave it to you to make an old, plaid housecoat look like a robe of royal splendor, Carol!”

 

     Curling up with her legs beneath her, Carol looked elegant and graceful despite the self-deprecating expression on her face.  She shook her head.  “This thing is ancient, darling, and you are incredibly biased.  But I’ll take the compliment!  Although I think your new true love is Benny, isn’t he?” she asked airily and with amusement.  Therese smiled, her dimples creasing her cheeks in that way Carol found so completely beguiling.  Leaning down, the young brunette placed a kiss on Benny’s forehead.  “Well, I am terribly besotted with him!”  She shivered slightly.  “I tell you, to come through our door, to come home, to know Benny will be waiting here for us…to know you will be here…it’s such a gift, Carol.  The holiday crowds have been relentless, so loud…”  Her voice faded.  “But here, it’s just you and me and Benny, and Rindy sometimes, and it’s so peaceful, at least most of the time.  Our _home!”_ She looked at Carol now, green eyes aglow with a gentle light.  “I still can’t get over it sometimes.  I never had a real home, ever.  And all of a sudden, I do.  We do!  Don’t get me a thing for Christmas, Carol!  This is more than I ever dreamed of,” she finished, her voice trailing away, fierce and brilliant, like the tail on a comet.

 

     Quieted by the urgency in Therese’s voice, Carol just stared at her for a moment, a gentle smile on the older woman’s face, a feeling of tenderness washing over her. “I feel the same way, darling,” she replied with a nod.  “Although I had a home as a child, and then with Harge and RIndy…but this,” she gestured around the living room with a graceful hand, “and you, and Benny… It’s really _home._   _I’m home._ ”  Carol’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment, and she took and released an expansive breath.  “And I think I’m _home to myself_ , for the first time ever.” 

 

_“Inner gifts_ ,” Therese murmured softly.

 

     “What, sweetheart?” 

 

     Therese smiled, her eyes reflecting tenderness, her fingers still stroking Benny’s velvety black coat as the dog slept soundly.  “Inner gifts.  You’re talking about inner gifts, Carol.  Alicia was mentioning these to me as we walked on the beach after Thanksgiving dinner.  She said inner gifts were the ones that healed the soul.  And the ones you can’t buy.”

 

     Carol shook her head in agreement, reaching over to pet one of Benny’s small ears.  He responded in his sleep, yawning and stretching before settling again.  “Well, darling, I agree with Alicia, don’t you?”  She sat back in the sofa again and sipped her tea.  “ _Inner gifts._   I like that!  And no, you can’t buy them anywhere…” 

 

     They fell into silence then, content to gaze at the Christmas tree which was adorned with gold lights and colorful bulbs, an angel at its pinnacle with a trumpet in hand and long golden locks flowing behind her.  Therese’s mind went back to childhood and all the Christmases at St. Agatha’s.  The building itself was cold and drafty, but it was a time when Alicia and her few staff members went over and above in their efforts to make it warmer-- to decorate, obtain a small gift for each child, and put up a tree that seemed to Therese at the time to be the most wonderful, magical sight she had ever seen.  She remembered the nativity scene especially, with its wooden stable, so rustic and imperfect.  The baby Jesus, mostly naked.  Wasn’t he cold?  Did he just pee in the hay?  Why didn’t Mary and Joseph put diapers on him?  And some pajamas so he wouldn’t get cold? Did he even have a penis under that sheet?  And what about—

 

     “Therese?  Where have you gone?”  Carol’s soft, throaty voice broke through her musings, and Therese blinked as she turned to look at her.  “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?  What are you thinking about?”

 

     “Oh, whether baby Jesus had a penis, to be honest,” the young brunette replied without guile, her face breaking out into an unrestrained, dimpled grin.

 

     “ _What?”_ Carol shook her head, then burst out laughing.  “Did baby Jesus have a _penis_?” she asked, just to be clear.

 

     Therese laughed, too, smiling at the memory, her green eyes twinkling.  “Well, of course!  He was just laying there in the hay with a sheet around his middle.  I always wondered if he was cold, did he pee in the hay, and whether he really had a penis if he was supposed to be God,” she explained in such an open, honest voice, Carol thought she was hearing an eight-year-old Therese again.  “One year, Billy and I decided to ask Sr. Alicia.”

 

     Carol laughed again in merriment.  “Oh my god, that poor woman!  And how did she take that?”

 

     Therese seemed to vibrate, as if joy was awake and bouncing around her heart.  “She made the sign of the cross and looked up,” she answered, crossing herself and raising her eyes in imitation.  “She said, ‘ _Kyrie Eleison_!’  And then I’m sure she explained that of course, baby Jesus had a penis!”  Therese’s chest and shoulders shook as she laughed, and Benny opened an eye as if to see what was so funny.  “God, Carol, if there really is a heaven, Alicia already has a space reserved!  She was an absolute saint with us!”

 

     The older woman smiled fondly at the thought of the Franciscan nun she had come to love so much herself.  She tilted her head, studying Therese’s face, lovely in the glow from the Christmas tree with pink cheeks accenting the smooth, creamy complexion.  “It’s so nice to hear you tell a happy Christmas memory, sweetheart.”

 

     Therese looked at her with a tender expression.  “I’m glad to have one. The holidays were hard without a family, you know…a place where I belonged…people I belonged to.  But Alicia did her very best to take the edge off.  And people were so kind, Carol!  We _all_ received one gift.  That’s a lot of presents for people to donate!  One year I got my camera.  Wow!  It was the best Christmas ever!  That really helped me find my way in life.”

 

     Carol gazed at her, and not for the first time thought of the economic scarcity Therese had grown up in and the wonder and gratitude with which the young woman now lived.  It was simply beautiful to witness, and the older woman felt deeply moved.  She leaned forward to place her teacup on the table, and then moved gracefully over until her knee touched Therese’s thigh.  She brought a hand to the younger woman’s cheek, then ran her fingers through her silky hair, tucking a few strands behind the shell of her ear.

 

     Carol leaned over to place a kiss at the very corner of Therese’s lips.  “Do you have any idea,” she whispered, “how beautiful you are, inside and out?”  She kissed her again.  “And how much I love you?”  Another kiss.  “How much of a gift you are to me?”  She kissed her again, and this time the breathless brunette turned her head slightly so that their lips met.  It was a slow meeting of soft lips and warm tongues, not seductive in the least but striking in its capacity to arouse and express a profound sense of their love for each other.

 

     “Well,” Therese whispered against Carol’s mouth, “I probably don’t know, but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe you.  I love you, too…you’re just as much of a gift to me…”  Hearing Benny groan, she placed a gentle kiss on Carol’s cheek, then looked down at the contented mutt, who was now doing a full-blown stretch while he yawned.  The two women smiled at each other simultaneously, sharing a tender moment of love for their pet.

 

     “Are you sure he’ll be okay at the Kelley’s house tomorrow?”  Therese’s eyebrows wrinkled with concern. 

 

     “Well, I can’t say for sure, but we’ll be there, too.  It’s not like we would let anything happen to him!  Louise seemed so warm when we met, but frazzled…barely getting by.  I can’t imagine how hard things are for her right now.  For all of them.  And the little boy, Henry…he was just so sweet.  I didn’t meet the husband or older boy, but…it doesn’t matter, sweetheart.  It will be fine.  And we’re there to deliver a Christmas meal.  Louise was so appreciative last time.”

 

     Therese had a distracted look on her face again, and her companion shook her head in resignation.  After a few moments, Carol said, “Therese?  You’re gone again…”  The younger woman smiled, a pleasant, dreamy look in her eyes.  “I’m sorry, Carol…just thinking.  I’m going to get a few gifts for the kids.”  There was certainty in her tone.  “Nothing extravagant.  Just a few little things…”

 

     The phone rang then, its jingling jolting both women from their quiet place.  Carol rose, gliding to the offending item and lifting it from its cradle.  “Hello?  Oh, hi Harge.  How are you?  Is Rindy okay?”

 

     Therese watched Carol’s face as the other woman listened, seeing her eyebrows furrow and then relax, then furrow again.  “I’m sorry to hear that.  I hope she’ll recover quickly.  And of course, we can take Rindy!  We’d both be delighted!” she informed Harge, nodding and smiling at Therese while motioning with her free hand.  “Tomorrow morning is fine.  Okay.  And please give Cecelia my best.”

 

     Hanging up the phone, Carol was smiling.  Therese raised her hands.  “Well?”

 

     “Cecelia has to have her appendix removed and Harge asked if we could take Rindy for a few days.  I know I said yes without asking, darling, but—”

 

     Therese cut her off.  “Carol!  Of course, we can take Rindy!  You never need to ask my permission!  She’s your daughter and can be here anytime and all the time, as far as I’m concerned.  We can just take her to the Kelley’s on Saturday, right? Alicia will love to see her!”  She smiled, her green eyes dancing merrily at the thought of both Rindy and Alicia.

 

     Coming up behind Therese, Carol leaned down, pushing the younger woman’s hair off her neck with a graceful hand.  She inhaled Therese’s scent, kissing the crease of her neck and then behind her ear.  Then she embraced her upper body, placing their cheeks together.  Squeezing gently, she murmured, “Therese darling, you are simply the most wonderful woman…and such a good friend.  Thank you!”

 

     “Oh…this feels so nice,” Therese murmured and sighed. “How about if I take Benny to do his business and then we just lay and hold each other?  Can we?”  Against her cheek, Carol smiled and nodded gratefully.  “I’d like that a lot, sweetheart.”

 

     It all took a while, but finally, Benny had been out and was now settled for the night, and both women had washed their faces, brushed teeth, and were laying together in bed.  Therese had her head in the crook of Carol’s shoulder, an arm around her waist, and a bent leg laying comfortably on Carol’s slender thigh.  She moved her cheek against the silky fabric of her pajama top, nuzzling her nose into Carol’s warmth and breathing deeply of her scent. “Mm…you feel so wonderful!” she whispered, her eyes closed. 

 

     Carol kissed the top of Therese’s head, her arms tightening around the younger woman’s slim form.  “So do you, sweetheart.”  She gazed up at the ceiling and watched the shadows flicker there in the gentle light from the bedside candles.  A sense of gratitude and deep peace washed over her, warming her and bathing her limbs from within.  Carol hesitated before she spoke again.  “Do you know…I think this is one of those _inner gifts_ you and Alicia were talking about…this friendship…this intimacy.”  She took a deep breath, and Therese could feel the rise of Carol’s chest and the steady beat of her heart before she spoke again.  “I would never know it without experiencing it, though,” and her voice sounded mystified now, “and I think a part of my soul _is_ being healed.  Except I wouldn’t have even known it was broken.”  She paused, as if to consider her own discovery.  “Does that even make any sense?”

Therese smiled to herself before lifting up on an elbow, looking down at Carol with a tender expression on her face.  The candlelight flickered against her smooth complexion in muted tones, an orange shimmer dancing in the depths of her green eyes.  She nodded.  “It makes perfect sense, Carol.”  Therese reached out a hand and softly stroked Carol’s cheek.  “I feel the same way. Like I’m walking along and suddenly realize I’m not limping anymore, even though—”

“You didn’t realize you were limping in the first place?”  Carol finished, her blue-gray eyes wide with surprise.

“Yes, exactly!  That’s exactly it.  It’s…mysterious, isn’t it?  I don’t really understand how it works.  But it works,” she concluded, a note of certainty in her voice.  She couldn’t resist leaning down and kissing Carol gently upon the lips.  Then she kissed her again, lingering, brushing her lips back and forth.  She pulled away so she could look into her eyes, darkening now with emotion.  “Does it ever scare you?”

 

            Carol nodded, reaching out a hand to cup Therese’s cheek, running her thumb gently back and forth along its delicate bone.  “Yes, all the time, darling,” she whispered.  “It makes me feel out-of-control.  Like I’m deep sea diving or jumping out of airplanes with a blindfold on!”  Carol shook her head, a memory coming to her.  “When I began teaching Alicia to drive, she was such a disaster.  It’s amazing she didn’t pitch us both out of the car!  And I can remember her saying she was going to pray for guidance and turn the steering wheel over to the Holy Spirit.”  She shivered slightly.  “It made me crazy, Therese!  I wanted to say, _Oh, no you don’t.  Give me the damn steering wheel because I’m a much better driver than the Holy Spirit_!”

 

     They both laughed, at Carol and at the beloved Alicia.  Then Therese added, “That’s so Alicia.  Let go!  Surrender!  Go deeper!  Pray for the inner gifts!”  She laughed lightly again, but then sobered.  “It _is_ scary.  But it’s also exhilarating and so _alive_ , don’t you think?”

 

     Carol nodded, her head leaving the pillow slightly, the silky blond curls moving as if caught in a gentle breeze.  “Very.  It’s very, very alive!  And I wouldn’t go back…not for anything, sweetheart.  Even on the days I think I need tranquilizers because the Spirit is driving too much!”  They laughed again in mutual understanding, and then Therese moved, suddenly unable to resist her desire to be nearer to Carol.  The young brunette gracefully swung a leg up and over her so that she straddled her, kissing the warm skin above the v-neck of the silk pajama top before tucking her head securely under Carol’s chin and into the crook of her shoulder.

 

     For a moment neither of them spoke, enclosed in a sweet cocoon that felt too sacred for mere words.  Carol kissed Therese’s forehead almost mindlessly, overwhelmed by warmth and love and an intimacy that seemed far too beautiful to define.  Feelings of peace filled their embrace, leading to a growing sense of lassitude and pleasant drowsiness. Carol breathed deeply, loving the feel of Therese, the soft, reassuring weight of her slender body.

 

     “Sweetheart?” she whispered after a while, tightening her arms.  “I don’t really have words…except I love you.”  Therese smiled drowsily, turning her head and leaving a kiss on Carol’s breast.  “I love you, too.”

 

 

                                  _____________________________________________

 

 

     On Saturday, the Packard sailed north to Albany with Carol behind the wheel.  Therese sat beside her, with Rindy in the back seat directly behind Therese.  Benny was on his bed next to the little girl, who had talked to him incessantly since she’d arrived the previous afternoon.  Glancing over her shoulder, Therese had to swallow a laugh.  Rindy had Benny by the neck, holding him close to her sweet little face as she whispered something unintelligible into his ear.  Benny, for his part, looked at Therese almost imploringly, his dark face made crooked by the pair of short but strong arms squeezing him so tightly the little dog was practically wheezing.

 

     “Rindy, sweetheart, Benny is so tiny.  Perhaps you shouldn’t hold him quite so tightly…”

 

     The child loosened her grip immediately, and Benny let out a small bark.  “Okay, Therese!  I was just telling him where we’re going.”  She paused.  “But Therese, where are we going?” she asked, her hand not losing contact with Benny as she began stroking the fur behind his neck.

 

     Carol had been listening closely and piped in.  “Darling, remember we are going to meet the Kelley family and take them a special Christmas meal and a few presents?  And we’ll see Alicia there, too?”

 

     Rindy smiled, delight clearly written on her face.  “Oh!  That’s right, mommy!  And there’s kids there for me to play with?” she asked hopefully.  Carol’s eyes were focused on the two-lane highway, but she turned her head slightly as she answered.  “Well, maybe just for a little while.  There’s two boys, Martin and Henry, and a little baby named Maggie, sweetheart.”

 

     “And a mommy and daddy?”

 

     “Yes, darling, although I don’t know if they’ll both be home,” Carol replied.

 

     “And why are we taking them food and presents with Alicia?  Do you know, Therese?”

 

     Turning, the young brunette made eye contact with Rindy, startled once again by her pure, childlike beauty and unmistakable resemblance to her mother.  “Yes, I do.  The Kelley’s moved here not long ago, sweetie, from a country far away, across the ocean.  This is their very first Christmas here! And Alicia and her friends like to help people, Rindy, and she invited us to come help her, too, so the Kelley’s can have an extra special Christmas.”

 

     The little girl didn’t pause for even a second, but began instead telling Benny: “Now Benny, they came from far away…”  Therese shook her head, amused once again.  Carol reached over a gloved hand, finding the younger woman’s hand and squeezing gently.  Therese gave her a sweet smile, and Carol could see love pouring from her glowing emerald eyes.

 

     “This kind of thing…” Carol offered, “It’s unfamiliar to me, you know?  The first time I came I felt _so_ ill-equipped.” She shook her head at the memory.  “But with you here, by my side…”  The lovely blond squared her shoulders. “I can do this!  _We_ can do this!  All of us!” she commented with passion, her words ringing out clearly, like the striking of a mallet to a xylophone.  Therese reached over and gently squeezed her thigh.  “Carol, of course we can!  Of course, you can!  And Alicia will be there.  That gives me all the support I could possibly need!”

It wasn’t long before Carol was pulling the big Packard into the city of Albany, and shortly thereafter, the area where the Kelley’s lived.  Looking out at the row of beaten, gray tenement houses, Therese felt a sense of familiarity, of recognition.  _Oh, yes, now this I know!  This I know…_

 

     Carol came to a stop in the tiny, dirt parking area in front of the Kelley’s apartment, which caused Rindy to perk up in the back seat.  “Are we there, mommy?  Are we there?”  Carol looked in the rearview mirror quickly, adjusting her hat before replying, “Yes, sweet pea!  We are!  We’re here, and you’ve been so helpful with Benny…”

 

     Within minutes, Alicia, too, arrived, bringing the convent’s donated car to a graceful stop beside them.  The cold December wind whipped the old nun’s black veil around her face as she came around the back of the vehicle, cane in hand.  Two pink spots formed high on her cheeks, and with her twinkling blue eyes and silver-white hair, Carol thought she looked like a religious version of an elf.

 

       
     “Hel-lo, my darlings!” Alicia sang out, her voice undeniably merry.  “Oh, it’s so good to see you!  Come here!  Come here!”  It was a flurry of hugs and tears, Rindy’s excited, “Hi, ‘licia,” Benny’s barking, and an overpowering sense of love that permeated the reunion between the three women.

 

     In Alicia’s matronly arms, her face buried in the scratchy wool of her overcoat, Therese sighed with joy, her heart bursting with so much love for the old Franciscan nun she thought she could draw the sun from behind the steel gray December clouds.  “Oh, Alicia, it’s so good to see you!”  She kissed one of the nun’s powder-soft cheeks, then the other.  “I love you, I love you, I love you!” she exclaimed, punctuating her words with more kisses.

 

     Alicia’s heart filled with an uncontainable joy.  She held Therese tightly to her breast.  “Darling girl!  I love you, too!  What a gift you are, child!”  Down around Alicia’s thighs, Rindy pulled at her coat.  “Hi, ‘licia!  It’s me, Rindy!  And look, mommy and Therese brought Benny!”

 

     Stooping, the old nun embraced the little girl, while Carol held onto Benny’s leash as he barked excitedly.  “Rindy!  It’s so good to see you and Benny, sweetheart!”  The child smiled up at Alicia, looking as beguiling as a cherub with her full, flushed cheeks, sparkling eyes, and golden curls.  “We’re here to help you make a happy Christmas!” Rindy announced importantly.

 

     “Yes, child, yes!  And so we will!”  With that, Alicia opened the rear door of the car, where several cardboard boxes sat, filled to bursting with various food items, several small, brightly-wrapped packages, and a small, blue ball, perhaps perfect for kicking.  Carol moved toward the trunk of the Packard.

 

     “Rindy, darling, hold Benny’s leash for mommy, okay?  Therese and I have our own items to carry in for the Kelley family,” she instructed.  Soon, the three women were trudging toward the family’s front door, with Rindy following quietly and Benny giving an occasional bark.  The door opened just as they arrived, revealing a weary-looking Paddy and Louise Kelley.  Louise held baby Maggie, who had clearly grown in the five or so weeks since Carol and Alicia had met her.  Martin and Henry stood slightly behind their parents, two thin, handsome boys in trousers and thin shirts, with wavy, black hair and green eyes, who currently looked only at Rindy and Benny.

 

     Paddy Kelley spoke.  “Sister Alicia, ladies, welcome.  Won’tcha come in from the cold?  Please!” he invited.  “Martin, Henry, help the ladies carry these boxes, boys.”  Obediently, the boys reached out to take a box, though Carol thought them far too skinny to assist.  They were surprisingly strong, though, and soon each box was placed on the floor around the small kitchen table, surrounded by its three wooden chairs.

 

     Looking around, Carol saw the home was as small as she recalled, austere to the eye and chilly, but clean and certainly warm in spirit.  Benny sniffed busily at their feet, and Henry spoke in a low, quiet voice, looking up at Carol.  “Missus?  Is this the dog from the woods?”

 

     Carol smiled at the boy, taken by his soft, lilting speech.  “It is, Henry.  We named him Benny,” she replied.  “And this is my daughter, Rindy.  Rindy, why don’t you take Benny over by the sofa, so the boys can pet him?  Just for a few minutes, darling.  We won’t stay long.”

 

     Louise Kelley shifted Maggie on to her other shoulder, saying, “Please, come sit for a few minutes.  Sister, come get off your feet.  Can we offer you all a cup of hot tea?”  Touched by her generous hospitality, all three women nodded, and Alicia said, “Please!  And let me introduce a dear friend of mine.  This is Therese Belivet,” she offered with typical enthusiasm.

 

     “Hello,” Therese nodded, offering a smile.  “It’s so nice to meet you!  Thank you for having us.”  Paddy and Louise looked at each other quickly, and then he said, “Goodness, miss.  Look what you’re doing for us all.  Without the good sister and good people like you, we would be having toast and tea for our Christmas meal.  We thank you!” he replied with a nod, and Therese was moved by his quiet dignity and humility.  “It’s been hard, you see.  Now, I’ll be seeing to the tea.”

 

     As Paddy moved to the small kitchen area, Therese caught herself being mesmerized by baby Maggie.  She was swaddled in a threadbare blanket, but sleeping peacefully, cradled in Louise’s lap now, with one chubby fist under her plump chin.  She wore a white knit cap, and Therese thought perhaps she had never seen anything so beautiful in her whole life than this thin, obviously exhausted mother in a fraying yellow sweater, who gazed down at her child with unrestrained adoration and love.  Therese’s hands ached for her camera, and yet she was certain it could never capture the depth of this love.

 

     “Would you like to hold her, Therese?”  Louise spoke softly, a gentle look on her face.

 

     Therese took a breath, her green eyes shining.  “Really?  Oh, I’d love to!”  She rose to take the baby from her mother’s arms, feeling Maggie’s warm weight, sitting back down and pausing just a moment before kissing her forehead.  Alicia and Carol watched her silently for a few moments, catching each other’s eyes and exchanging a meaningful look.  “Oh, she’s lovely!  So sweet and just…beautiful!” 

 

      It took Carol’s breath away, seeing this woman she loved with a baby in her arms…filled her with an intense desire to see Therese hold a baby of her own…to raise that baby with her.  In her perceptive way, Alicia observed, and wondered, and hoped.  She had no idea how, but perhaps someday the Lord would see to it that her dear “daughter” had a child of her own.  She would pray about this, she decided firmly.  Yes, Lord, I will pray!

 

     Paddy returned to the table carrying a tray laden with mismatched teacups, a small bowl of sugar, and a pitcher of milk.  He politely placed cups out, listening to the voices of the older children, who were sitting on the old sofa, passing Benny around and completely taken with him.  “Here you are, ladies,” he stated politely, pouring tea into their cups.  Then he turned.  “Kids, would you like to come have a little tea or milk and a biscuit?”

 

     Henry’s eyes lit up.  “Oh, yes, papa!  But…it’s not Sunday.  It’s still okay?”

 

     Paddy smiled fondly at his younger boy.  “Yes, lad, it’s okay.  We have company!  We’ll make today Sunday.  But go wash your hands first now,” he instructed, ruffling Henry’s hair when he drew near.  Martin came next, with Rindy following and Benny quickly collapsing on the sofa in apparent relief.

 

     Rindy came to stand next to Carol, tugging at her sleeve.  “Mommy, can I have milk and a biscuit, too?”  Carol looked at her, awash with love for her blond, blue-eyed child.  “Of course, darling.  Let me come help you wash your hands, okay?”

 

     Over at their pedestal sink, Martin spoke up.  “I can help you, Rindy.  If that’s okay with you, mam.”  Carol smiled at the boy, grateful.  “Yes, it’s fine.  Thank you so much, Martin.  How very kind you are!”

 

     Finally, all the children were crowded around the little table with cups of milk and a shortbread biscuit for each of them.  Louise, who was once again holding and rocking Maggie, asked, “Sister Alicia, can you please say grace for us?”

 

     Alicia clapped her hands lightly.  “Heavens yes!  There’s nothing I’d rather do more than say a prayer now.  Well, actually, I’d really like to eat this cookie…but we should always thank the Lord first now, shouldn’t we?” she answered truthfully, making the children giggle, and the adults laugh.  But they quieted quickly, and the old Franciscan nun clasped her hands together and bowed her head.

 

     “Lord God, we come together with these new friends during this Christmas season when Christ was born.  I ask your blessing upon each and every person here, all of us your children.  I ask that you grant us the grace we need to become more like Christ ourselves, and that your great love be born in us.  I thank you for the gift of love and friendship, and for the food placed before us now.  Keep us always humble and grateful.  I pray in your name.  Amen.”

 

      For a while, everyone enjoyed the hot tea and sweet biscuits.  Then, as the children and Alicia each had a second biscuit, Carol and Therese helped Louise and Paddy empty the boxes and put the food away.  They unloaded ham, a large bag of russet potatoes, fresh green beans, bread, butter, canned corn, beans, beets, and applesauce, several oranges, a bag of shelled walnuts, a half-gallon of milk, a homemade spice cake, and a tin of coffee. 

 

     Louise and Paddy kept murmuring, “So much!  So much!  Thank you!  Thank you!”  Finally, Therese produced four colorfully gift-wrapped packages, handing them to the grateful couple with a dimpled smile.  “Something small for each of the children, and something for the two of you, too.  To say, ‘Merry Christmas!’”

 

     Louise shook her head, her eyes filling with tears.  Paddy, too, was choked up, and through the knot in his throat he tried to speak.  “Ah, Therese… and Carol.  You blessed souls!  This is too wonderful!”  He put his arm around Louise and pulled her close.  “We’re not above saying that without these gifts there wouldn’t be a thing for the children to open this Christmas.”  He stepped forward, grasping his guests’ hands and pressing lightly in an attempt to convey his gratitude.  “Thank you!  God bless you!”  Louise smiled through the tears, whispering, “Yes.  Thank you so very much!”

 

     They were made aware then of a burst of laughter coming from around the small table, with Alicia’s robust chortling sounding the loudest of all.  They looked over to see her immersed in conversation with the children, color high in her cheeks and blue eyes twinkling merrily, her habit flying to and fro as she gestured to make an animated point.  The boys’ eyes were shining, too, with happiness and joy, as they laughed at Alicia’s words.  And dear, dear Rindy, up on her knees to reach the table better, sat as close as she possibly could to the old nun, looking at Alicia with adoration in her deep blue eyes.

 

     Therese looked around at this lovely gathering, knowing there was no where on earth she’d rather be than right here with this lovely Irish immigrant family; with her beloved Alicia, her one and only mother; with Rindy, the child who had come to own her heart; and most especially with Carol, at whom she gazed now with enough light and love to power the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center.

 

     Carol, too, felt an intense wave of belonging, of rightness, knowing she not only was supposed to be here, but wanted to be here, and no where else-- in this drafty, cramped, old apartment with this kind and humble immigrant family; with Alicia, the Franciscan nun who had come into her life and somehow become her most trusted advisor; with Rindy, whom she loved more than anyone and anything in the world; and finally, with Therese.  Lovely, gracious, sexy, wise, young Therese, the woman who had stolen her heart, once and for all.

 

     Listening to Alicia chortle once again, Carol shook her head, almost mesmerized.  This was it, perhaps Alicia’s greatest “driving lesson” of all! (Because, to be honest—who had been “teaching” who, really?)  It all came down to this—when we receive love, we must give it away; when we are blessed, we must go out and bless others. 

 

     _Yes, that’s it!  That’s it!_   Because in the end, we only truly keep that which we give away.

 

 

_The End_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story, that it brought you a smile somewhere along the way!
> 
> Peace to all.


End file.
